on the new car plates

today and for the first time ever, i got to accept and like the new plates issued for cars! I mean they can be really amusing.
Ya3ny today i was stuck in traffic for a loooong time and i read on the plate on the car in front of‏ هطأ ‏then i look to the car next to it and read نطأ ‏‎ and the one on the other side يطأ‎ and i couldn't stop laughing :)
7atta el 3arabeyat fel balad dy 7at-ta2!

OWSI Update :)

Kov is setting off to finish off the open water training for his first course ever this weekend. I'm super excited and anxious. So far it's going great!!

I feel a lot of potential in this and hopefully i can take it further than i can imagine :)

So Friday and Saturday: Sharm doing Open Water Rescue training.
Sunday and Monday: Off to Dahab to do some more fun diving!!

Oh and isn't this the cutest smiley ever??!!

Eight Things

So i finally get a morning off for the first time in like a month! so i'm freely checking my blog and all other blogs i like.. i'm checking facebook ... i'm chatting ... i'm doing absolutely NOTHING!!!! and it feels great.
So i was also tagged about a month ago by Sara and she asked me to tell 8 things about me and to tag 8 people. So here i go:

• I've been in love with the same person for close to 5 years now and despite every stupid fallout we ever have and every foolish or not foolish thing i did in reaction to every one of those i still love this person and want to eventually settle down and marry her
• I've had and still have lots of passion for lots of things but somehow i just don't take them to the next level or can't just take it further to accomplish something with them. The latest of those is photography. I still do photography but not as actively as before and i still dunno why i don't post a portfolio or something.
• I hate stupidity with all the meanings of the word. Whether it's slow reactions, meaningless slow drivers in the middle of the streets or those always stopping halfway across corners. Or people making me have to repeat myself a zillion times saying the same thing.
• However, i have a thing with teaching. One of the best feelings in the word to me is just getting something through to a person who didn't understand or get it. The cartoon expression of having the light bulb over their heads turn on just brightens up my day
• I've been SCUBA diving since i was 12. And have recently been able to reach teaching status in it. And it just makes me feel great to be able to combine two of my passions like that (see previous note for details).
• Music gets to me more than anything else in this world. Some tunes can just move me to the extent of tears without having a word of lyrics in them.
  
• I wish i could travel all around the mediterranean and Europe by car. The trick about that is to start in Jordan - lebanon - Syria - Turkey - and come back from the other side from Morocco - Algeria - Tunis - Libya. Why i wanna do this by car is to just go slow enough to absorb and feel all those places instead of just zapping through them with a jetplane. Yup feeling things constitutes a great deal of why I enjoy the things i enjoy :)

I think all the people that could've been tagged have been tagged :) ... so just feel free to tag yourself if you haven't been!

It's even more Official

according to PADI, and as of yesterday, i'm officially licensed to teach and train until the end of 2009 :)

IT'S OFFICIAL!

Kov, as of 2pm this afternoon, is a PADI OPEN WATER SCUBA INSTRUCTOR!

more news from Sharm

i think i need to be more organized. And a lot more confident. I'm still hesitant about the test timing. But i still insist i'm doing great.
Dear dad, Qaaty and everyone who's been super supportive: THANK YOU! and i won't let you down isA

news from Sharm

- first day of sea training was hectic. I'm doing fine but i think i'm capable of doing alot better. Two more days of training to go.
- my course director is considering enrolling us in the Dahab IE because the other two guys are going too slow on the theoreticals. I dunno if i should feel good and buy myself two extra days or just get it over with it here.
- i need a major dose of Qaaty.
- something just feels off though. Like a constant thing in my throat. Like this dark cloud on my chest that's making me become too aggressive.
I hope it all ends well

OFF TO THE IE

Today, Kov sets off to Sharm to make the final preparations and attend the PADI Instructor Examination on the 9th and 10th.

Pray for me and wish me some really good luck and a nice certification :)

i'm not getting better and time is running fast. I need to be well for my big examination. Ed3oly

silence!

suddenly i decided to fall silent.
Then i gave up.
Then i regretted it.
Then I felt that bitter feeling i know so well
And i decided i should seize to try and talk again.


Sometimes familiarity is a bitch:-):)

Ayy-DC

so i'm finally on my way to becoming a SCUBA Instructor. I'm spending 12 hour in class everyday (including weekends), i'm living on caffeine and nicotine. And i have a flu that gets worse everyday (no wonder why).
I'm awfully in love and am in a constant state of missing and longing.
And as i'm masterful at always putting myself in such a situation. I'm super short on time.
I CAN do this!
Kov now go pass out.

"And the fluffy white lines
That the airplane leaves behind
Are drifting right in front
Of the waning of the moon" ~ Cake

This was taken from their track "Comfort Eagle" ... And i never noticed how beautiful this thing actually is before i saw it for myself yesterday. And it made me wonder. How come i've never noticed those lines ever at night???!!!

Morning Metaphors

el kateena lessa mra77ala - الكتينة لسة مرحّلة

Socialist USA?

I read this post on hareega's blog and it struck me how we're going on the same exact track ... only that everything he fears would happen there has already happened here... but not for socialist reasons, for the benefit on a few MF's on top...

and now they even wanna SELL the country ... literally ...

3ala ra2y Insomniac .... bala waksa


N.B. please read Hareega's post here

And Finally

Ladies and gents... as of today ... i'm Finally ... a bashmo-fucking-handess (a.k.a engi-fucking-neer)!!!!

College Update

well ... it's clear that college wants to leave its mark on me even though i'm hopefully leaving it soon! i've been asking about my results over and over the past period since the beginning of the month and each time they tell me to come see the next day ... i got tired and thought i'd just sit back and go when i hear it came out. i sent this message on the student forum asking if anyone heard anything and got this reply:

سالت اول امبارح السبت فى شئون الطلبة قالولى لسه ، قلتلهم امتى يعنى قالولى ميعرفوش
روحت لوكيل الكلية ، هو اللى ماسك الكنترول قالى لسه
فى واحد عند الوكيل قالى ان شاء الله هتطلع الشهر ده فى حدود اسبوعين او 10 ايام عشان الوكيل هيطلع حج فلازم يطلع النتيجة قبل ما يسافر



No Comment!

hmmm

Sometimes i hate waiting. Probably cause it gets me to question WHY? and what got me to wait? Should i wait? And what the hell it is that i'm doing.
On a premature scale of judgement, this just doesn't feel right!

Dear Mr. Panadol, Thank YOU!!!

Historical Question: Did the guy who invented this amazing drug get a Nobel Prize??? He SHOULD!!!

late night insomniac numbness

he still can't sleep ... and he's getting all obsessive about the weirdest shit again. tonight's obsession is numbness. The feeling of numbness and the feeling of the blood rushing back to where it was just deprived from going. He numbing his arms, and hands on purpose, and enjoying it everytime. In face, his fingers are numb typing this post you're reading write now... the numbness is gone, then he stops writing and numbs it up all over again ... and types with the keys tickling his numb fingers...
how could something so repulsive to most people just feel that great if you look at it closer?

Welcome Back Insomnia

For the past three days i reach this stage when i'm too tired i can't move, look into any light even that of my computer screen, and still i can't sleep!

UGH!

Interesting ...

So something got me to go reading through my OWN blog today ... and I came across this post and realized something. In almost a month, everything i was hoping for in this post I actually did! Maybe my life isn't as fruitless as i think after all ...
Hope the same happens with the more important issues in my life :P (can never give myself the satisfaction can I?)

Late Night Randomness

• Why does google send me a notification when i comment on my OWN blog?? shouldn't i know that i have just done that???
• same with comments by ME on other people's blogs that i follow!

• I'm starting to develope a sense of acceptance towards my typos :D they're getting more hillarious every day ... maybe i'll start another blog especially to document them :D
• i'm still in love!
  

MY HEROIN!!!

So ka3boora and i have covered extreme mileage over the past 24 hours :D
Heliopolis - shorook - 6 october city - alexandria road toll station - dream land - 6 october city - downtown - shorook - heliopolis - dream land - 6 october city - dream land - heliopolis ...

AAAAAAAAAND that included some offroading!!! i was coming back from magaahel el ma waraa2 al kobry when i though me7war would be hell ... and so would midan el remaaya ... and i heard from some special person that there's this little unpaved road between Fayoum road and the beginning of the ring road from the other side ... so i thought i'd give it a shot!!!!

Was scary as hell!!!! but, i don't think i had so much fun and so much adrenaline in me for a LOOOONG time :D damn that was fun!!!!!!

ka3boora ... i love you more and more
baba ... thanks for teaching me some techniques that saved me day despite you not noticing it
A ... i just hope all is worth it :)


Feeling: Like a person in Love
Listening to: nothing at all :D

SELL MY SOUL FOR ANYTHING ... ANYTHING BUT YOU!!!
I wanna Live ...
I wanna Love ...
But it's a long hard road out of hell






I'm still hooked to this Manson track!!!

You never said forever is gonna hurt like this
I wanna live
I wanna love
But it's a long hard road out of hell


~ Marilyn Manson

SHES BACK ON THE ROAD!!!!

Ka3boora's back on the road ladies and gents :)

mechanical work is almost done ... now for a few face lifts, butt work, some accessories AND MAJOR CLEANING!!!!

i think i might end up marrying this car :D

the farther I ... fall I'm beside you
as lost as I get ... I will find you
the deeper the wound ... I'm inside you
for ever and ever I'm a part of


YOU!

Nine Inch Nails (NIN) ~ We're in this together

We Just Lost Cabin Pressure

.

Thank God for That!!!

"I don't see myself when I look in the mirror ... I see who I should be
I don't see myself when I look in your eyes ... Thank God for that!!

I don't see myself when I look cross the river ... I see where I should be
I don't see myself when I look from the sky ... Thank God for that!!

I don't see myself when they fail to deliver ... I see what I should be
I don't see myself when I look at the flag ... Thank God for that!!"




quoting StarSailor ~ In the Crossfire

...

it's been a really long day... He comes back home, goes to the bathroom and decides to wash it all away. He turns the hot water up, takes off his clothes, and sits on the toilet watching the steam rise to take on everything around him. His favorite thing is undergoing heart surgery and he feels too sad for her. He's just too worried. He remembers he's still got his shoes on... Takes those off as well. He's thinking about her again, if thinks about tomorrow, and how he has to go find his ka3boora a new heart. People can laugh at him for being so touched and attached to his car. But he just won't care, after all it's his most beloved thing ever... It's the only thing that was actually there in both the good and the bad, and made him feel better in all his times of need.
He obviously had his shoes on too tight that he's stuck there unable to move out of how numb his feet are...
At least he now has something to laugh at/about :)

"I'm Not an Artist I'm A Fucking Work of Art"

Marilyn Manson ~ (S)aint

Chronicles of HE

HE gets a call routed from outer space. HELLEEEEEWWWWW ... it's her!
for the first time in a loong while, she's calling again ... why now? ... oh well ... it's a big day and it's probable she's decent enough to ask how it went ... but hey, when she's in town she doesn't bother and now she's calling through outer space?? ... interesting ... indeed
conversation goes like it usually does ... nothing meaningful ... how's life? blablabla ... she hates her most financially rewarding job ... he hates his delayed life in Cairo ... oh well ... everyone seems to be calling him for no other reason than to bitch about their lives ... he can take one more ...
"I really miss you!" .... the words stormed into his ears and the whole world froze ... he stuttered a bit and managed to make a joke out of things ... but wait a minute ... WHAT???!!!
what the hell is that supposed to mean?? like seriously what good could come out of that?? is this yet another attempted cycle??
his head is whirlpooling with ideas ... visions .. one thing is common between all of them, none of them are pleasant. bitterness struck his heart like blunt knives ... the kind the would hurt but not cut ... he wants to just scream it all out in her face but it would never go as he plans ... and he'll never be able to portray it the right way ... he's just sick of feeling like such an ornament ... an instrument ... sometimes he just needs to vent it out

Darkness

For the past two days i've been considering changing the way this page looks ... it used to be black before ... and when i decided to change things a little i set it as dark gray...
Trying other colors over the past two days just never felt right! it can't be bright ... by no means can it be bright ...
the theme stays as it is ...

Sitting ... waiting ... wishing

Today i hopefully took my last exam in college ... hopefully now i've passed this phase in my life ... which is one major step towards getting where i want in life ...
Now all i have to worry about is getting out of Geish, and working my way up from there. my fingers are all crossed.

The past week has been very rich musically... i spent hours studying which means hours of music. Each day i rediscover and obsess with a track, and each day i find a new one. loud songs, old songs, chilled out songs ... you name it, i've passed through it all ... but i guess it just came down to one song that really stuck in the middle of all that ... and it was Jack Johnson's "Sitting Waiting Wishing" ... a major recommendation to all you people out there

get the song if you don't have it, and enjoy :)

Chronicles of HE

He's going back to this state again. He's missing something, a concept maybe. A dream he was trying to catch that now looks so far away. A sense of relief he used to get from the thought of being on a certain track, a line, a light he followed through his tunnel that just started getting dimmer and dimmer, till he can't see it anymore.
He stumbles across reminders everyday, every hour, or even more. Reminders of his mistakes, good memories, bad memories, but they all had one things in common... calling them mistakes will surely be premature judgment, they're all things that just went wrong. And it's how they got that way that he's constantly trying to figure out.
Word games, music, places he drives, foods, cafes, a wonderful 30 day diary, pictures, and loads of thoughts. He wants it all back in a way, but he sure as hell knows that he can't. Even if some things are acquirable they sure as hell can't be all acquired together, and acquiring any of them in particular doesn't look like a great idea either.
He knows, but he still feels that way though. Maybe it's insanity, or maybe it's just plain human. He's constantly fighting against all reason, it all meant something to him, but to the whole world it might seam otherwise.
Maybe each and every memory was just part of his big dream. None of them had everything, none of them were completely right either. In their combination is his comfort. Maybe that's it: The things he misses in them separately are what he wants combined... now how selfish is that? or is it plain ambitious?
Another question might be: Well if you know all the variables in the equation like you portray in your head, then how come you still feel that way? how come you miss each and every single one of these memories if you know how wrong they are as a whole?
And the most logical answer remains: it's the concept, the track, the line, the light! the hope that maybe something would turn into the best thing that could ever happen to you...

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, loneliness is a bitch!

Musique-al update!

Well i've been confining myself in my home to focus on studying for my last exam next thursday. I'm bored to death, and i'm studying at an unbelievably slow pace :S ... however it's picking up more everyday. which is good. Other bright sides to it is that i'm not smoking, and for some reason i hardly ever feel the urge to smoke when i'm home. and ofcourse i spend much less :D

Another side-effect of being confined in my room is that i must have music on, so my last fm scrobbler has been really happy for the past few days, and i have to say i'm happy i'm rediscovering lots of things i haven't listened to in a LOOOONG time. I'm obsessing about different bands every 6 hours :D

Live, Pearl Jam, Muse, and currently StarSailor :)


And Hey, everyone reading this should check out Starsailor's album "On The Outside"

Random Thoughts

* My sister looked absolutely amazing on her Katb-Ktaab
* Ka3boora looks very sexy from my window, but i'm still not gonna fix her before my exam ... keep on trying to tempt me you bitch!!!
* Why does google have to notify me that i commented on my own bloody post?? don't you think i know already??
* I'm totally not a group person i finally decided. I function better and totally appreciate one on ones ... be it with a guy or girl
* البقاء لله
* i think i should restart my battle against nicotine soon
* I stayed home for almost the entire day and didn't exceed 11 pages of studying :$
* hopefully i'll get in rhythm tomorrow
* I need some change of surrounding, or creatures in my surrounding
*I listened to more Fountains of Wayne in the past 24 hours than i did my entire life
* I need to go around more with Nickie ... maybe shoot some night scenes i've been contemplating for a while

Temporary Peace

As much as they do rock and i love them most of the time, but people really do suck sometimes!!


thanks for making my state of peace temporary...

9-10-08

This date marks my sister's Katb Ketaab. My sister is getting officially married, and although i'm sure it doesn't show at all, i'm actually super happy/excited for her.

Noona, I love you! and i wish you all the happiness in the world. More happiness than you can ever imagine. Happiness that would stay with you for eternity.

On bright sides ... :)

suddenly i'm starting to enjoy the bad things when they happen, and also their consequences. After my happy eid was over, i decided just for the heck of it to go to Sudr with a coupla friends of mine, my car isn't in the perfect shape for such a trip but i thought 'what the hell!'. I went to Sudr and did absolutely nothing but sleep and chill doing absolutely NOTHING! and guess what! it was a BLAST!!
on the way back my car as expected broke down, and i was left with my two friends stranded in the middle of the highway trying to hitch-hike or at least make someone stop :D ... finally when we jump started it from the truck of one kind man, we drove back for an hour and a half to cairo in complete darkness! so the trip wasn't really void of any action was it??!! :) oh and for Ka3boora (my car) to prove to me that it has a mind of its own, it died again the instant we reached cairo! before i even got home:) she might be a bitch but i still love her!!

anyways, so i'm now without a car, and usually i'm too lazy to go anywhere without having a car since Taxi drivers are both assholes and ripoffs, it sounds like a perfect opportunity for me to just sit there at home and study for my exam which is in less than ten days!! good idea yeah??? anyways, if any of you would care to pass by and take me out for a Shisha, i still wouldn't mind at all :D

MY Happy Eid :)

Actually I take it back. It was a really happy Eid. And my favorite part of it all is that it was all unplanned. This eid i met a really interesting person, and spent the whole time doing things i absolutely love doing, and hopefully helping someone (her) enjoy her time which i also love doing :)
i did lots of photography, went to lots of my favorite spots, went swimming, late night driving, sang out loud and make myself look stupid, and had tons of great conversations enjoying the best views :)

i'm happy, and grateful, and very sad it was so short ... but i still have a smile on my face everytime i think about it. It's been a really long while since i felt genuine enjoyment :)

Happy Eid

to everyone who reads this. Something in me is just glad Ramadan is over ... was pretty hectic ... but then again my whole life is starting to be... i'm just hanging in there, and hope all this could just be over soon...\

koll sana wento

الحمد لله

Yesterday was one of the most emotional/action-filled days i've ever had in my life. On a whole lot of levels, and all i can say is الحمد لله

I usually am one of the people who fail to look at the bright side in tragedies or bad incidents but in yesterday's case i'm thankful. Thankful my friends are ok, thankful for having such friends, and thankful for the thing we have together... i don't think i could've had it if i had a brother my age.

On other levels, i think i'm finally coming into peace with certain issues in my life finally ... i hope all stay that way.

الحمد لله

Trick Question

howa sha3b masr el nedeef ba2a kollo shamem ree7a we7sha leh??

An Actual Conversation I Had Today

i dunno why i'm posting this ... i can't seam to even be surprised by it but this is an actual conversation that happened with me and one of my best buddies today

Him: Kov, Sa7eb!!!
me: huh?
Him: You need a girl in your life!
me: Is that true!
Him: I'm not kidding, ana 7assak keda ba2eet 3alatool ma7'noo2.
me: that's not only because of loneliness but it's about a shitload of things going wrong in my life, and you know that.
Him: still, you need a girl. With all the shit that's going on, you need something good to make you happy.
me: So it's like a piece of merchandise i buy from a supermarket or something?
Him: No, but you're capable of hooking up!!
me: So you want me to hook up with someone just to make me feel better?
Him: w eh ya3ny?
me: i'm not really approving of the concept of hooking up just for the heck of it ... it just doesn't feel right.
Him: leeh manta el tabee3y betsa7eb
me: 7abeeby, ana 3omry masa7ebt unless i felt something serious, or had a serious intention about it ... i know that's hard for you to believe
Him: ok fine, but it's not like you're gonna be fooling somebody, if it's clear for both of you that you're just making each other feel better w betsattefo ba3d on the short term then it's ok ...
me: huh?!
Him: ok fine, i mean even if you're just aiming at something serious. Keep your eyes open for it
me: who said my eyes are closed? It's not like i'm not willing. I just can't find a suitable person ... plus maba2aash feyya dmaa3' wala taaqa lel ta7weer wel tazbeet wel araf da uslan
Him: Sa7eb!!
me: !!!


Thing is ... that's not the first time one of my friends brings that subject up in the same exact way ... which makes me wonder, what the hell is the impression i'm giving out??!

Status Update

Kov is currently working to convert one of his favorite hobbies to something serious :)

oh and he suffers from extreme hypo tension everyday starting 9:30pm :/


wish me enough luck to make you guys read good news pretty soon :)

Dear Nickie

I love you, and i love you with all my heart. I'm grateful for you beyond imagination. I'm thanking you for giving me the first genuine feeling of joy since as far as i can remember. and i'm also thanking everyone who helped me get it, especially monmon :)

- Metallica's new album sucks ... again
- I'm taking a break from taking new pics and trying to organize the shitload i already have so that i would come up with a good collection suitable for anything, and to analyze everything so that i could take it to the next level
- I'm contemplating buying one of those swivel flashs
- I need Ramadan to end 3ashan a treat ka3boora to a major fixup
- I need to go Diving, hopefully by mid-October
- I MADE A BOUNTY KILL ON MOBWARS AND NOW I'm FREAKIN RICH!!!!
- I'm both anxious and relieved at the same time
- I miss my late night drive with the top down
- I miss late night conversations about nothing
- I need to witness a total solar eclipse before i die!!
- I am addicted to minty SevenUp ... and i make my own now :)
- I'm still looking for conc cherry syrup to make my own cherry coke too :P





Still listening to Echoplex

On the irony of being human

Sometimes i'm just truck by the endless stupidity of human thought. Especially when it comes to justifying conflicts and actions we take towards other people. Somehow, both sides are never at fault, and when they are and willing to admit, it's always also the other person's fault for putting themselves in that situation in the first place.

Like you can break someone's heart, you wouldn't consider yourself at fault, and when it comes to hit you that you might have done something wrong, then it's also the other person's fault cause their heart is so breakable!!!

interesting ....


Disclaimer: This is not my soul opinion, but you have no idea how many people agreed to this idea throughout my conversation over the past few days .... i'm ....errr... intrigued?

Today i finally slept!
i finished my morning job so i can now sleep at night again :)
at least for now!

Death Magnetic??

So Metallica have made yet another album, "Death Magnetic", as i've discovered. And of course as of all the new albums i've heard this year by practically everyone, the first impression sucks ... but i'll postpone the review till it sinks in further.

the question is, though, judging by Hetfield's ways of vocaling this album as well as in the previous album "St. Anger"; does he plan on switching to rap or something??

man u'd better get back to SINGING, or at least look it up in the dictionary!

The Sad and Worrying Truth

ok i was actually feeling like crap reading this ... but only because it's painfully true.
I'm not usually the one to discuss politics here or publicly, but seriously where the hell is this country going??

please read this
http://www.economist.com/world/mideast-africa/displayStory.cfm?source=hptextfeature&story_id=12202321

Final Approach

This is to commemorate a year from taking one of the biggest leaps i took in my life ...





hope i land sometime soon

Dear SI

Taking off the mask of the stronger you isn't necessarily "URGH" material... i remember someone once calling it brave and honest... people should practice what they preach more....

Dear AT

we all learn sooner or later that some things are just not worth it no matter what status they used to hold in our lives ... we should all start searching for greener pastures to graze :)

POSH

Today i learnt that we egyptians started using abbreviations instead of language ... MM means Mega Mozza for instance ... i found that extremely hilarious... anyways digging deep into the matter i came up with an abbreviation of my own ...

POSH ... standing for 'Piece Of SHit' :D

have a non poshy night :)

Get Tacky with me

So Kov has done za cool ass move of putting a muse-ic track on hiz baydje

nya3a3a3a3a3a3a3a

seriously i can just never get enough of this track ... for almost 5 freakin' years and i just still can't get enough ... can i even call it an epic track??

alright i'm gonna stop now :)

Caring for/about strangers is a really weird thing

not a bad kind of weird, it's just that i'm not that used to it ... and lately it's been happening alot.

I just hope i don't overdo it like everything else

Good morning to you all,

and hope your day is lovely :)

Bomb voyage indeed

So i've been working my ass off this past week ... whether or not i'm fasting ... no matter how tired i may get ... i just can't quit ... and i can't refuse anything i find to do ... no matter what it is ... no matter how shitty the pay might be (like my night job now) ... i thought i was becoming a serious workaholic ... but today i assured myself that this is not the case.
I'm avoiding having my own space ... because i don't want to be left to think!

Today i woke up, and once i returned back from prayer, i collapsed. My body is refusing engaging in any kind of activity. So i was left alone in bed ... and then this stupid brain started working.

Trying to make sense out of current situations failed, creating huge amounts of resentment .... then it turned to remembering ... how come i don't have a single good memory with you that you just didn't spoil? how come we don't even have a decent picture together?? seriously how come i can't think of a single thing without feeling like my stomach is gonna jump out of me??

i need it to stop ... because i don't wanna resent things more than i do ... and it's not really for your sake, it's for me. I'm sick of negative feelings ... and you provide me with nothing but.

It's time to rewind ... obviously this past period was a hige mistake ... i tried ... but you gave me no other choice ...

thanks for being the usual BH and making the world make sense again ...


here's to all the believers in "change"


---------
Feeling like: I really wanna throw up (with nothing in my stomach)
Listening to: Nine Inch Nails' Ghosts instrumental collection

It's called a Changeover.

The movie goes on

and nobody in the audience has any idea...

Ramadan Snippets 2

Has anyone noticed that this is the second year we are worried about fasting in the heat? and has anyone noticed how in both this year and last year there was a great heat wave going on that was broken right on the first day of Ramadan?

Sobhan Allah

i remember this just because i had the same exact thought last year ... and it's happening again :)


despite the great weather however, i'm still incapable of enjoying it because of my blood pressure sinking to record lows :( ... i really wanna go do some photography in the time of Iftar while the whole city's at home and with no one in the street ... i miss my camera

Exactly the Same

Trent Reznor started one of his best tracks saying
" I believe I can see the future , as i repeat the same routine"
and that's exactly what's going on.

I just hate it when i'm right, and whenever it happens that i can forsee things i just wish over and over that i might be wrong. but apparently i'm too experienced when it comes to you that my wish is never granted.

So the thing i'm left to do is just do what i 'should' 3ashan mayeb2ash 3alayya 7aaga ... and for me to be in peace with myself knowing that i did all i could ... even if i didn't have to do anything in the first place ... bass yeb2a esmy 3amalt 7aga ...

so apparently it's coming down again ... in the same old way ... and obviously the same old results ...

nefsy ashtem bass mesh 3aref a2ol eh ... it's not really worth it ...


Song of the day is once again: Nine Inch Nails' Every Day is exactly the Same


"Can't Remember how this got started ... oh ... but i can tell you ... exactly ... how it will end ... " ~ Trent Reznor

إييييااااااااااااااحة

• Every 1st of Ramadan i suffer from extremely low blood pressure. This year it started the moment i woke up not in the afternoon as it usually does
• My car broke down ... again
  
• I work day and night now (which i don't know is good or bad)
• Drivers are exceeding my expectations this year
• WHAT THE HELL DOES إياحة mean?? then again what did وحوي mean??
• I'm still not watching TV :)

HAPPY RAMADAN TO YOU ALL !!!

all apologies?

ever felt like sometimes when u work so hard to get an apology, it just feels useless when u get finally get it??
does that mean i shouldn't have tried to initiate anything to clarify things or make them better? but then i got what i 'wanted' and things got clarified and i got an apology... then why the hell don't i feel it?? and why the hell do i still feel like shit??

Recycle Your Rubbish

so my brother is an Animal Planet addict, which is great cause it's much better than today's cartoon characters whose heroic acts constitute nothing but playing cards where monsters come out ...
anyway, so slowly i'm becoming an addict too ... but my true favorite thing about the channel are their ads about protecting the environment for the animals' sake. "Animals own the planet" as they say :)

my favorite of these ads is right here ... enjoy

the number you're calling is out of reach. YAAAAAAAAY!!!!!

Has anyone ever tried calling an Etisalat number that's switched off or out of reach??! well if you haven't then you should. I think they have the happiest lady ever talking in their recorded message. elly howwa nzaam YUPEEE!!! the number u're calling is out of reach! let's celebrate!!! otlobna 3ala 09007400 w matestannaaash!!!
begadd mesh msadda2ha ...

3alam mostafezzza

this might seem trivial to a few but ... i've been nicotine free for 48 hours now ... which is an accomplishment i haven't been able to achieve for 2 years :$ ... and today included long driving kamaan :)

anyways ... let's see how long i'll last this time ...

good luck dear me

فأنا مكاتل مكاتل مكاتل

so i was initially trying to write this whole post in arabic and obviously failed :)

question: what's with army people and the letter ق ?
i mean it's really hilarious when a guy starts shouting and making himself look as tough as scary as hell so you'd be disciplined fel tabour and then he instructs on you how to yell صاعكاااااا. Yes my dear friends سيادة النكيب mabye3rafsh ye2ol ق.

olt estha ... maho kan esmo tamer bardo. but then i was surberized to see that this thing was an infection they all had! 7assool (حاصول محمد) who was the small-ranked guy in charge of our little 'platoon' started working us through el taboor ... yemeen dorr ... shemaal dorr ... salam lel amaam ... and the best of all, mo3tadal 7'atwa tanzeem!

this is basically us banging our feet to the ground as if we're marching but while staying in place, and singing behind حاصول:
سأصنع
من دمي
للعدى
رصاصا و كنابل
...
بطل ضحك يا كابتن يابو كاب انتا
و لو خيروني
بين الخلود و الفدا
فأنا مكاتل مكاتل مكاتل
يا كابتن لو شفتك بتدحك تاني حاطلعك تغنيها لوحدك في نص الطابور

sa3kaaaaaaa :D

KATEEBA SAFA - NAFFAD LNAFSAK!!!

tarbeya 3askareya is finally over :)
been two of the most useless weeks i've ever spent in my life but now it's over!! we took the final 'exam' this morning and were sent home finally.
now i can do something useful, try to find a stable job, work on my photography, and prepare for my upcoming test in early september.

2aal 7edd etnein 2aal ... :D

whatEVER

Whatever you need
whatever you got
whatever you want
I'll take back again!!

~ Our Lady Peace



i think music is starting to get to me again ... :)

Right Where it Belongs

i know i posted this song once before ... but here we go again ...

Quoting the legends

As you look around this room tonight
Settle in your seat and dim the lights
Do you want my blood, do you want my tears
What do you want
What do you want from me
Should I sing until I can't sing any more
Play these strings till my fingers are raw
I do my best to please
What do you want from me

Do you think that I know something you don't know
What do you want from me
If I don't promise you the answers would you go
What do you want from me
Should I stand out in the rain
Do you want me to make a daisy chain for you
I'm not the one that you need
What do you want from me

You can have anything you want
You can drift, you can dream, even walk on water
Anything you want

You can own everything you see
Sell your soul for complete control
Is that really what you need

You can lose yourself this night
See inside there is nothing to hide
Turn and face the light

What do you want from me


~ Pink Floyd

Counting Down

I'm counting down the days till:

• tarbeya 3askareyya is over
• till i can get a job
• till i could finally know my status with the army
• till i feel good again
• till i hit the road again
• till i hit the water again
• till i look up and see the sun rays playing with the water surface above me
• till i can sleep on the sand watching the stars above me and hearing nothing but tiny waves breaking on the shore next to me
• till i can look beside me and find something pleasant to look at
• till i can actually grasp the things i need to grasp and take my photography one step further
• till i have my name where it can be looked up at
• till i can actually sleep

feeling: in a deep state of longing
Listening to: Portishead

I don't know who you are, but you seem very nice, so will you talk to me?

So i have nothing else to do today but sit here ... i look around and seems everyone's doing this tag thing ... yulla :)

RULES:
1. Put your iTunes/music player on Shuffle,
2. For each question, press the next button to get you answer,
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT!!

After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do them themselves.



1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
Aftertaste ~ Ben Lee
(oops?)
2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Re-Offender ~ Travis
(LOL ... i wish in a way)
3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Sorrow ~ Pink Floyd
(huh?!)
4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Long Line of Cars ~ Cake
(haha ... true!)
5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Be Free ~ Paparoach
(oh my ... maybe ...)
6. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Citizen Erased ~ Muse
(maybe i should've picked another playlist :))
7. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Comfort Eagle ~ Cake
(HAHA ... i wish!!)
8. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Supermassive Black Hole ~ Muse
;)
9. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Straight Out Of Line ~ Godsmack
i'm ditching them tomorrow :P
10.WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
One Step Closer ~ Linkin Park
this is looking hopeless
11.WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
No Jesus Christ ~ Seether
hmmm...
12.WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Echo ~ Vertical Horizon
(NOW THAT's AWESOME!!)
13.WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Angel ~ Massive Attack
(awww ... )
14. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Wipe That Small Off Your Face ~ Our Lady Peace
(LOL don't you dare tell whomever she is)
15. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Right Where it Belongs ~ Nine Inch Nails
(ouch! but makes perfect and scary sense)
16.WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Where Did It All Go Wrong ~ Oasis
...
17. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Maybe Tomorrow ~ Stereophonics
true!
18.WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Tremor Christ ~ Pearl Jam
out of bounds
19. WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
Everything for Free ~ K's Choice
i love this song :)
20. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOURSELF?
Risingson ~ Massive Attack
yeah baby!

Quitting (contd.)

starting today i'm hopefully quitting at least two things

So i haven't really been bloggin much ... and i haven't been talking much either ... something in me just doesn't feel like talking. and when it does, it doesn't last for long. It's really suffocating...

however the valve turned on last night in the weirdest of ways, i spent something like two hours driving around and singing with my stereo and for some reason it just felt great ... i'm sure my company in the car didn't enjoy it one bit though :D

thank you music!

Interesting Late Night Thought

You meet someone, and you're definite you have seen them somewhere before. You're so damn sure you knew that person ... there's that weird sense of warmth and familiarity between the two of you but neither of you can remember where or if you have ever met before.

The question is: Is it possible that people can know each other closely and drift so apart they forget each other, then meet again and just be friends again as if nothing has ever been? can friendship just be sent to oblivion that easily??

Third

So for some reason i've been hooked on Portishead the past few days. I've been taking their discography in order one album after the other ... until i reached the third album, also called "third", when this obsession just faded away...
why do all the good bands have to screw up that bad these days??
I've hated the new albums of Coldplay, REM, Maroon5, Portishead ... or let me make this easier, i haven't heard a good new album maybe since Seether released 'Finding Beauty in Negative Places' or NIN released 'The Slip'.

but then again i kinda didn't like those even at first so i hope things change cause i'm getting pretty bored and i need some good new music!

And the question is ... ?

-Who puts Ukrainian referees in a match between Russia and a middle-eastern country and expects them to be fair?? Yes once again Egypt was screwed by the referees in their match against Russia this morning!

-How much education do they provide for military people here?? i've heard more stupid crap (was supposedly scientific) from the tarbeyya 3askareyya high ranked people than i've heard my entire life...

- Do i just seem to attract bitches or bitchy behavior?

- How cool can driving really early in the morning down the streets of Cairo be??

GO EGYPT!!!

One of the best and yet least appreciated athletic teams in Egypt is for sure our handball team. However, there's a reason people don't give them that much attention anymore. Their form just keeps fluctuating, one year they are GREAT, the next they are unbearably disappointing. Actually it's more like a game-to-game thing, one game they rock, the other you wonder where did all the spirit go.
Today those guys played like heros! Despite some refereeing i could go as far as to call 'unfair', and despite being outnumbered for most of the second half inwhich they started behind, they settled for a draw against Denmark, the champions of Europe. And i say settled because they could and would've won if it weren't for some bizarre decisions by the referee in the last 5 minutes of the game causing them to play with one less player for the final minutes of the game, which they started behind, but managed to keep their act together and actually take the lead before the danes got a draw in the very end.
Seriously if they could keep that form, i could expect a medal.


GO EGYPT!!!!

TRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNN!!!!!

Today was my first day in the stupid tarbeya 3askareya thing i have to go through before i graduate from college ... and it proved to be as stupid and useless as i expected it to be... we just stand in useless lines doing some stupid military walks and talks, sit in a crowded hall listening to meaningless crap about history and ethics that are not alive anymore ... and go home hating this country and our lives.

However, i have to get up around 6am every day which is good, and it's really useful if you really wanna learn how to control your nerves! (always an upside to anything these days :))

This morning, i was washing my face when exactly at 6am, i heard the sound of an alarm clock ringing somewhere in the building. It's the same noisy old alarm clock with bells that i used to hear ringing at the same time when i was a child preparing my stuff and waiting for my school bus. As noisy as it is, something in the way it sounded made me feel just great. I'll be waiting to hear it's noise again tomorrow :)

oh and we also had lobia for lunch!! not the ones with the black dots, the other plain white ones... i think i hadn't had that since i was a kid bardo!!! something just feels ok despite all the shit that's going on so i'm thankful :)

Some things are not to be redefined ... sometimes not even defined at all in the first place ... or maybe that's just the way I work. I love my friends, I love having that particular amount of friends... they're just about the only people I can truly be myself around ... no worries ... no judgments ... not too many question marks ... people that can understand and appreciate...

That's exactly why i hardly ever hang out with anyone else ... there's never a time when there's nothing going on in my head.. there's hardly ever a time when my day has been just about nothing ... so i'm thoughtful most of the time ... and lately i can just fall silent for an entire outing ... just out of being tired from what happened before in the day, or thinking of what will happen the next day... my friends never judge me for that ... or make me feel bad about it ... at least i hope they don't :)

sometimes it's just ok to be there because u enjoy the feeling of being there ... being around this particular company ... and that's it. u don't need to be entertaining the crowd or trying to prove something about yourself to them ... because whatever it is about you ... it's already there ... and they already know it ... and that's what gives them the name 'friends'.

so here's to all my real friends out there ...

Three

Someone once told me not to try with the same person more than three times when it comes to anything ... whether it's calling that person ... asking him for something ... or even trying to initiate a conversation.
It's funny how the number three constitutes a major part of my life... it seems like everything comes in three ... everything is triangular ... and i'm becoming extremely obsessed...

Gas Hed Marches On

My Results are out!!
I achieved one of my two goals, which is to get an A+ on my graduation project. However my other goal of not flunking anything was a failure because of a stupid subject called (Fuzzy Control Systems) ... so i'm now graduating in November isA

I don't feel bad at all actually ... not good either ... there's this feeling of indifference growing over me for some reason. However i'm proud of the A+ in the project, first because i know i worked my butt off to earn it and second, because my team consisted of only me and one partner. and we practically did most of the work together. And it again proves to me that i could do a hell lot better if i were to be put in a more practical environment. my self image is restored :)

now i have to strategize what i'm gonna do with my life for the next year... until i know where i stand from the military ... ed3ooly

song of the day: Live ~ Gas Hed Goes West (will shortly be posted on the e-group)

Back from the deep blue

I seriously can't think of another time inwhich my mood is any better than the time i'm on a diving trip or just returned from one. and i can sure say that this year's big trip was amazing.
Destinations were Brothers Islands and Daedalus Reef, around 10 hours by boat off Marsa Allam in the south of the Egyptian Red Sea coast.
my underwater camera wasn't working:( but the sharks were so active that i actually was able to take a few shots using Nickie, so i'm still happy :)

conclusions:
- Sharks are really some of the most beautiful and graceful creatures on this planet
- Nature is not to be tampered with (we were actually caught up in a current so strong that we were flapping like flags holding on to a line, as in our bodies were thrown back and forth)
- My dreams of owning a nice boat to live on in the Red Sea have to come true one day
- Sob7an Allah
- Love is a seriously tricky issue


now i'm back to the noisy busy life of Cairo... back to the pressure ... to fixing ka3boora and waiting for my results (which rumor has it's coming out tomorrow), and looking for yet another job cause i'm now flat broke ... again...
but this time i feel refreshed and that i can totally take it on ... everything will eventually pass ...

one of my fav. bloggers ends his posts by "Sooner or later we all fall down" ... i just feel like adding something to the end of it ... "eventually we get up again" ...

I Want

For some reason and despite my recently going through something similar, this post from D got to me. and to these things she mentioned i add to myself the following:
I want a sense of stability in my family and to feel good about my dad

I want to enjoy the things i have to the most without being burdened by wanting more, in other sense i got lots of things i've always dreamt of having the past 6 months, it's about time i appreciate it.

I want to lose weight

I want to play music again

I want to listen to Muse's "ruled by secrecy" all night long and until i sleep.

I want unconditional love without worrying what's next

I want my own place ... and my own space ... and my own life

I want control ... and self sufficiency

Dear Anonymous

Thanks for your voice of wisdom, it's really appreciated.
I'm sorry you were alarmed by the negativity in this blog. However, it's normal that you find that it has too much complaints. The purpose of it actually is to just vent the negative side out so i can focus and function in my real (non-cyber) world.
So don't be alarmed, there are other better sides of me that you won't find out through this blog ... unfortunately the only things that get here are the ickiest and the worst.

thanks for passing by, and more negativity coming up your way soon :P

right when i feel everything's goin well and i can breathe ... it all gets fucked even worse than before...


allahomma la3teraad

I NEED

A good conversation where i can rant without being ridiculed and without having everything i believe is right be talked about as if it's complete nonesense

To seek support where i can actually find it

Not to lose hope in the fact that such a thing might actually exist

masks anyone??

One amazing characteristic of humans is how righteously fake they can be... not towards others, but even towards their own selves. I discovered i was i few days back ... and today i concluded i'm not in my own in this particular category.
Some claim the worship or love noone but love in itself, which is a great thing to hear. They base lots of their words upon that, theories, views ... a whole mask of a personality ... but it ends at that. Actions speak louder ... reactions scream in an even more deafening manner.
A year ago i would've really condemned such a thing and called it selfish... but looking deeper and from what i've seen lately ... we are all that same person. We all go around wearing masks that cover the face of the person we fear from the most ... ourselves. If we see that person and look him in the eye, we will see all his weaknesses and vulnerabilities ... our weaknesses and vulnerabilities ... and we never ... EVER ... wanna go there. We claim we're strong, we do lots of things to make us believe we do but we don't ... and i personally i'm one of the prime suspects guilty of that.
truth's a bitch ... so we lie ... to ourselves mostly ... but we lie ...

right now i need to remember one fulfilled promise ....

longing?

the anti-people person who's been me for a coupla days suddenly misses lots of unrelated people!!

i just don't get it


Listening to : Jack's Mannequin ~ The Mixed Tape

Tell me please
Who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was it something that I couldn't see?
Never knew this would be so political
And please
I'm still wearing this miserable skin
And it's starting to tear from within
But it's obvious that doesn't bother you
So please
Don't keep telling me that it's okay
I don't buy all the shit that you say
And quite honestly I'm fucking sick of it
So please
If I cut off this nose from my face
Then I wouldn't feel so out of place
But it still wouldn't be quite enough for you
So please




Staind ~ Please

peace please

today has by all means been just about total nothing ... i slept most of it ... feeling the space and the whole nothingness of what i have to be doing ... i miss being just lazy, even if it gets boring half a day later. I need this peace.
Peace and quietness is all i need actually ... i need to have things go my way ... without interference or noise ... i need to just let go ... of everything in my head ... and heart.
i'm not out of angst ... but i just want to shut it off for one night. i can't bare a single person trying to force anything on me, whether it's a place to go, or a time inwhich we're going ... i wanna just chill ...
i'm not up for any complications ... i'm by all means anti-7waraat today .. and yesterday and tomorrow and anytime soon...
yesterday i went out with a few friends, supposedly to celebrate my being done with college ... and i didn't enjoy it at all ... there's always something someone is bitching about ... the job ... the time ... the waiter ... the prices ... not to mention that it was THEIR choice of place... and THEIR choice of timing ... THEIR recommended plates ... none of this was mine ... wasn't this my celebration?? and then another was just acting as noisy and obnoxious as he could ... it was just too much ...
i .... neeed ... peace .... and quietness ...

nothing more ....

not a message when i wake up angry at my not answering my cell when i were asleep ... not a message wishing me luck with my life just because i'm too tired to go out the next morning ...
when the hell did everyone either turn obnoxious or bitchy??

kefaaya 7waraat ... w sodaa3 ...

kefaaya

Done

انهارده خلاص ناقشت مشروعي و نمت و حسيت بالفراغ :)

con-fused

it seems that i can't fall in love with anything that ain't hazardous to me by all means of common sense ....
it seems that i can't try the hardest except for the things that seem too impossible ...
it seems i can't believe except in the unbelievable ...

and i just can't stop ... cause i do believe ...

eventually all falls down on my head ... and i just pick myself up ... and move on ... as in keep going ... doing the same thing i believe in ...

and i can't stop believing ... i just can't

Another Kov?

today i discovered there was another Kov on this planet!! :@
yeah yeah as if it was an impossibility ... yes he resides on a totally different corner of the planet, Brasil, but yet again ... that SUCKS!!!

sorry man if u ever come across this ... i've always valued my uniqueness:P

So I was in a birthday in Azhar Park a few weeks back .. and my cam was still new'n'all so i went early to take pictures... i spent most of the birthday just taking portraits of the people around me ... and blinding them with my flash while at it :D.
I noticed this little girl in the table behind us. She had the deepest eyes i've ever seen in a kid. She was really curious about what i was doing. She watched really curiously as i focused and played with the camera taking pictures of everyone ... but if i turn it towards her, she just dodges or gracefully just looks in another direction and act all not interested. I moved around and pretended i was shooting my friend, out on the zoom lens and zoomed in real hard to get HER instead of HIM.
weeks later i take a look at the pics again and find her picture ... and i believe it's one of the very best portraits i've ever taken!!
i was too embarrassed to walk to her parents' table and ask them for any means by which i can send them the pic ... but seriously now if i had those means i would have.
ladies and gents ... the girl that drove my camera insane:

TALLA3ET 2OMAAAAASH!!!!

After months and months of work, research, development, debugging, testing, more work, and more debugging and testing ... i can finally say ... our graduation program finally talla3 2omaaash!!!! :D

I still hate J2ME (The programming language ya Jade :P) ... and i still hate computer engineering .. but hey .... TALLA3ET 2OMAAASH!!!!

now i have less than 48 hours to finish off the documentation :) but hey ... TALLA3ET 2OMAAAAASH!!!!!

A Little Brush of Reality

After yesterday's revelations, my head wouldn't stop. Souad says it's normal and human. I think it's against everything I was trying to be. Souad thinks i'm stupid for not noticing it all along ... I swear I didn't. If I had lied, i didn't know i had. Everything felt real ... every single time... but the truth was apparently different.
And now I remember every single look my best buddy gave me for the past two years everytime i told him A was in fact for real but the problem was the timing of it in the middle of everything that was going on i couldn't just give it what i could and she had the right not to handle it and i was too late in my recovery.
he gave me those extremely sarcastic looks as if i were the most stupid human alive .... and i hated it ...

God this subconscious is unbelievable! is it like a totally different person inside of us?? with a mind of its own (i can't call it a he or i'll go insane)?? or am i starting to burn a few fuses in the head??

Anyways ... so what's next? They say the first step in solving anything is admitting it. I admit i am extremely immature, and extremely stupid in my understanding of life, relationships, people, and i could even add selfish. I am a person who has no self control whatsoever and who should have enough strength to use his head and actually act upon it. I can reach certain states of denial that are truly unbelievable ... i myself cannot believe it till now ... and my denial can last for years...

I need to start calling my own bluffs.

The wise fishy told me that even if you can't stop (which she believes is totally human as well) at least be honest about it ... i wish i were a little bit less of a perfectionist.

To end this i need to send a message to two particular great people.

Dear A and Souad,
I know I have already called you both to say this, but i guess i didn't get the message through properly. I am seriously and sincerely sorry. I should've been more honest to myself and to you in times which i obviously wasn't. My denial had obviously beat my own common sense and sense of judgment. I swear none of this was obvious to me as it apparently was to everyone else.

A,
Sorry again, and i want to assure you (if it matters at all) that I value you as one of THE most amazing people i've ever known, a thought that will never change, and it hurts me to see how fucked up i was to lose that.

Souad,
You're totally unbelievable in ways i cannot describe... and you're a hell lot wiser than you should be. And I hope you don't go away.


yours,
Kov

!!

So on his first brush he just breaks?! he usually kicks his own ass when he feels like that but he decided to take a calmer more reasonable approach to things this time.
He's just done something he didn't think he would ever have done ... he felt things he never thought he'd feel again ... he just broke in ways that defy everything he's been doing for numerous months ... he just can't explain ... actually it's very explainable but it's the reasons behind it all that are questionable.

The only solid conclusion he can reach is: This is not over ... and it has never been ... and i've been just fooling myself. Or not feeling myself, maybe trying to make myself believe in something else. One very wise person once told him "if u believe in something for long enough, it's gonna end up being a reality" ... so maybe that's what he was trying to do ... and apparently he failed ... bigtime. and maybe this just means something.

Another troubling theory is that he hasn't actually failed ... he's just going after the wrong things. he might already know that things won't work ... but he's just too weak, broken, and needy to resist getting a feeling he's been striving for for years... even if that feeling is temporary ... so maybe he's just after a temporary remedy ... anything to make him believe he's nothing like he was made to feel about himself throughout the past few years of his life ... something to kill a serious self-doubting feeling that's killing him inside every day.

Another even more troubling fact is, if he's to be put in the same place he would do it all over again ... the most troubling fact of all is that it's not certain if it's because of her or because of him ... meaning if it's someone else he probably would've done the same ...

so is it the general need to cure a burning instinctual desire? or is the need for her? he now knows his feelings aren't dead ... but at the same he's out of trust. He can't act upon how he feels or he's doomed to be fucked all over again. People don't change ... life proved it to him over and over and over again... why doesn't he ever lose the urge to test these theories?? or is it the childish animal's constant pursuit of his ever flaming fantasy?? or is it just not wanting to throw years of working for something that now logically seems impossible to work??

she got to him this time ... again ... she got to his head ... again ... but he caught a lie ... one that he can't call though ... but he did catch a lie ... a serious one as well ... and still he's tempted ...

ok i can lose my grip and stop the reason now ... get a grip u weak little FUCK!!!???

and still i want this ... i don't know if it's her or anyone or me or what!!!

ok forget about me ... it wouldn't be fair for her ... but the trick is ... she knows everything i think ... i made it extremely clear ...

the same very wise person also told me "you can't appoint yourself responsible for other people's mistakes ... they are responsible for them. Life can never be about YOU that much" ...

the only logical solution is not to act upon anything ... not with this mindset ... and not with this level of instability ... not with how fucked up i am inside... a wise person said that's being a coward. But that's the only way the outcome could be safe. that's if i'm strong enough to abide by it ...

weak and cowardly ... interesting mixture ... really ... A & Souad were possibly right about that one!

would it work to just call it a lengthy recovery so i can feel better about myself??

is it?? is it not?? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??!





am i THAT lonely and starving for anything that makes me feel desired in any way?? is that it? is that how pathetic i am?? ... and in the middle of it all ... she calls me predictable ... and now i feel more pathetic!

paradox contd.

quoting NIN again:
"This is not my face ... and this is not my life
there is not a single thing here i can recognize
this is all a dream ... and none of you are real
i'd give anything ... u know i'd give anything!"



Nine Inch Nails ~ Head Down

paradox

sitting beside my darkest memory and it feels weird. A bittersweet mixture whose existance i absolutely resent.
I hate my subconscious ... I hate the fact that i can't define any feelings ... Or maybe i just deny certain types of them. I wanna be well. I'm sick of all the residues that just wont go away.
I wish i could lose these fantasies, or just quit subconsciously holding on to the wrong things. I'm saying 'subconsciously' because i know i shouldn't . I need some peace

bedtime ramblings again

failing to write for the zillionth time, i just decide to blurt out whatever before i sleep. Someone once told me that it works great with me ...
I'm dissatisfied ... and i feel totally clueless about what's going on around me ...
The things i believe in never seize to let me down ...
The things and people who used to make and give sense are changing into the total opposite ...
I feel like i'm drifting away ... not from one person ... but from everything i knew and used to take for granted ... and i feel like i'm in this new, dark and really lonely place...
take a deep breath ... and breathe life into your chest ...
take a deep breath ... and think ... no strike that ... take a deep breath and feel it ... rest your head ... give your brain a break
take a deep breath ... and ignore how much it hurts ...
take a deep breath ... it will all be over soon ... and i assure u it wouldn't be anything close to anything u ever wanted or planned ... just ...
take a deep breath ... the bottom is near ...
take a deep breath ... it will all disappear ...




and i'm sorry

hmmm...

I would like to show my greatest admiration and respect to the brilliant human being who invented the statement: "This is gonna hurt tomorrow!"

dear sir,
chapeaux!


Dear Jade, pls accept my ending this like you end your posts:

----------------------------------
Feeling Like: I'm inside Nine Inch Nails' track: "The Mark Has Been Made"
Listening To: the sound of the fan in my room

Enough Already

if whatever you do is not gonna be seen or gonna be denied then why the hell should you do it? If you would go all the way in the middle of the heat while you're completely hypotensive just for the person you're trying to make things better with to run away in the middle of the street then why the hell go? If they apologize just to act all bitchy again as if you were the one who did wrong then why the hell should you accept an apology in the first place? if you try to still make a move to fix things and being all rational and civil about it for them to just go like "i don't care" or "i'm not interested" then why the hell should u bother?? if this is all a collection of the same person then what the fuck are u thinking?? were u settling?? looks like it! should that be something you're supposed to put up with?? HELL NO!!

so dear self, being an asshole is sometimes a good solution if u're being treated like one anyways ... at least it requires much less effort and is more fun.
if u're constantly being called sick ... then u might as well act like it to earn it :D
and sometimes ... really ... it's just not worth it... and you shouldn't be sorry. And this time i'm not. I've thought i've seen weird and sick, but really this is a whole new level ... and for some reason it doesn't feel as bad, maybe i'm starting to really get used to it.

i have lots of other mean things to say but i guess i've sank low enough for one night :)

and YES, being an asshole is sometimes fulfilling ... especially with people who completely deserve it!

The Package

yesterday i noticed how lately i've been just blurting things out without getting into anything deep ... i stopped trying to write maybe. Today was mostly contemplating what's going on so i could articulate it ... too many inputs... sure not helping especially with my so called skills of self expression.
So i was driving a friend of mine around this morning and this song started playing ... and as i tend to think lately ... "How the hell didn't I notice how really great this track is??"
anyways, ladies and gents ... i give you A Perfect Circle's "The Package".




Clever got me this far
Then tricky got me in
Eye on what i'm after
I don't need another friend
Smile and drop the cliche
'Till you think I'm listening
I take just what I came for
Then I'm out the door again

Peripheral on the package
Don't care to settle in
Time to feed the monster
I don't need another friend
Comfort is a mystery
Crawling out of my own skin
Just give me what I came for, then I'm out the door again

Lie to get what I came for
Lie to get just what I need
Lie to get what I crave
Lie and smile to get what's mine

Eye on what i'm after
I don't need another friend
Nod and watch your lips move
If you need me to pretend
Because clever got me this far
Then tricky got me in
I'll take just what I came for
Then I'm out the door again

Lie to get what I came for
Lie to get what I need now
Lie to get what I'm craving
Lie and smile to get what's mine

Give this to me
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine

Lie to get what I came for
Lie to get what I need now
Lie to get what I'm craving
Lie to smile and get what's mine

Give this to me
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Give this to me

Take what's mine, take what's mine, mine...
Take what's mine, take what's mine, take what's mine,
This is mine, mine, mine [whispered]

Today was a REALLY weird dramatic day ... it started up with the usual shit (i hate the feeling i get waking up) ... then it turned into hope and eagerness to work ... then it turned into total disappointment and dispair ... then totally giving up and going to see the match and to hell with the project ... then more hope and work ... then success and absolute JOY!! and finally that joy got mixed with a little heartbreak ...

it's funny how those two exact feelings can actually exist together in the same heart in the same exact instant ...

life and its timings ...

life ... u're numbing me out to seriously be "Jack's total lack of surprise" ... now it's for real and not just a pretentious quote i put in my "about me" section in any profile i've got!

TIRED

I'm tired ... and i'm tired of being tired ... and i'm tired of tiring myself with no outcome ... and i'm tired of the consequences of being tired

BAD DAY

Today included everything i could ever not want in a day:
I overslept ... I discovered I haven't been called for a second interview while other people were (although i'm still convinced i did great in the first one) ... I woke up to discover that i'm probably and yet again following the same exact trail of crap i do to myself ... i spent about 5 hours in college working on my project all to no avail ... my friends all gathered and went out without calling me in an outing that includes my ex ... my parents didn't wake me up early enough so i had to miss my brothers exhibition at school and now he'd be really disappointed in me ... and i still can't figure out how i can ever have those needs satisfied ... and as usual ... i'm completely broke ...

mobile insomniac thoughts

shouldn't i be allowed to feel what i feel? Should i treat it like fake when it's real? Should i just ignore and pretend instead of further try and comprehend? Till when an i gonna be sentenced to lose? When i don't think i'm a loser at all. In fact things can always go for the better and this mind boggling will all go away soon. I believe!

Broke

I've been flat broke ... i spent all my reserve money on the camera ... i haven't been taking my allowance regularly (obviously the financial crisis is in the whole family), and i've been out of work (thank you college) for quite a while.
I don't mind any of that really ... it's a stage, a phase that will pass ... i will finish exams and get a job and things will be stable again. The thing i mind is people's attitude!
People receive the fact that you have no money with either complete disregard, or complete disbelief. It's like how come you have no money? how come u can't get money for us to celebrate this birthday in this posh place ... the minimum charge is just this (sum that's more than twice what's in my pocket) ... and then i have to be the one driving them around so i end up paying even more in gas and parking and all that crap ...
yes i do calculate everything trivial cause guess what ... i AM broke ... why can't anyone believe it???!?!!!
why can't anyone appreciate it instead of just jumping on my back with things to do that are beyond my ability??!! and things to do THEM?!

suddenly i'm thankful i have an exam tomorrow ... so i'm home tonight ... and don't need to go anywhere ... there's no gas in the car anyways :D

A Word To The (So Called) Wise (a.k.a. me)

You can never feel satisfied or free with so many things to hide ... just let it go ... let is ALL go ... and that way, if you don't come clean, the cleanliness will come and get you!

Nickiiiiii

Today i took Nickie (my new camera) on her first small photoshoot :) and i actually liked a coupla pics :) i'm in love again!

I SLEPT!!!!! I FINALLY FUCKING SLEPT!!!!!

well i did have a loooong conversation last night and got a big load off my chest, but was that the reason?? could my being on off terms with anyone affect me to the extent of not making me sleep?? That has never happened to me before!

but hey!!!!! I SLEPT!!!!!!! :D

:)

today was my first day back to workin on my grad project. Was going really slow in the morning till we eventually gave up and went home. I went back to find the internet connection cut off ... so i just thought what the fuck and went out instead of working some more ... but u know me, the internet addict!!!
I found the cafe had connection so right away, my laptop was out and i was online :) ... god can't i stand a few hours???
it was boring ... so i just thought i'd try once more. and wow ... worked like a charm ... and i have a program that does most of the stuff we invented in one!!! yeehaa!!!
and now i'm on dialup for the first time in YEARS!!! ugh

i still don't like engineering or software development :(

but overall ... i'm happy ... for some weird reason ... i finally finished getting acquainted with my camera, and i'm not waiting for a chance to go on a serious photoshoot with it :)

song of the day is definitely: Sheila Nicholls ~ Bread and Water

Dear Kov

life is sending you the same message for the zillionth time ... please ... please ... PLEASE get it and stop repeating the same mistake again.
some things are just not worth it goddamnit

1,000,000

It's official ... my NIN obsession has returned ... i find myself hung on a different song each day ... Trent Reznor, sometimes u're a lyrical genius ... seriously


I wake up
On the floor
Start it up again
Like it matters anymore
I don't know
If it does
Is this really all
That there ever was?
Put the gun
In my mouth
Close your eyes
Blow my fucking brains out
Pretty patterns
On the floor
That's enough for you
But I still need more

I JUMP FROM EVERY ROOFTOP
SO HIGH SO FAR TO FALL
I FEEL A MILLION MILES AWAY
I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL

WHAT/WHY/HOW

i was setting off to write a post that's deep ... structured and had lots of thoughts and concepts that i started to find interesting ... and i DID put it into order this time ... but then i erased it all because i can sum it up in just this line.

Life seams to work hard on letting you lose yourself, conscience, and all the things that prevent you from being called an animal ... and it does it in the strangest of ways and in even more stranger timings that don't make sense... i just hate feeling tested and under the microscope most of the time ... especially that it feels that i'm being animalized a little bit more with each new experience i go through in this life ...

oh well ... i don't know what/why/how to think or react anymore

OMG

8 years ago i went to visit my aunts in Jordan. There I went to the movies and saw a movie i really liked. It was called "The Jackal" starring Bruce Willis and Richard Gere. There was this song that played in the movie that i absolutely ADORED!!!! made me wanna get the movie and all its music.
When i came back to Egypt, noone had ever heard of the movie, and of course the soundtrack. Each time i remember the movie (and it was alot) i remember this song. Yesterday i torrented it for the zillionth time ... but this time I FOUND IT!!! i didn't find the soundtrack though ... i asked a brilliant lovely friend of mine and she found it for me and went completely out of her way to make sure i get it ... and now i'm listening to the song and am a kid again ... really happy!
at least it's taking my mind a bit of really stressful things i have in mind that are really troubled and questioning myself. I feel like i'm in one of those hot spots when anything i say can make me lose or keep something i really care about ... and i'm just too tired to think about it now despite how precious this is to me...

Sou ... Thank you can never be enough! you really fulfilled an 8 year old dream!

Done?

So today was my supposed last final in college ... my performance in the last two wasn't so great so i hope the ARE the last and i won't have to repeat any of them in November. Fingers crossed.
Leaving college i wasn't so happy. Of course i still have an oral sometime in the next 48 hours, and i also have a project to deliver on the 8th ... but that wasn't it. This is a place that took too much away from me ... just thinking about it makes me sick. So my dear Faculty of Engineering ... all i could think of while leaving you behind is NIN's chorus ringing in my head ...

"
And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing here
I can recognize
This is all a dream
And none of you are real
I'll give anything
I'll give anything
"


Nine Inch Nails ~ Head Down

it's 4am and i still can't sleep. Hope i have enough brain power left in the exam tomorrow :s

Contrast

I've been sold out ... on the day before my exam ... i was gonna be happy with the fact that i have kept myself safe from the Egyptian-in-Kolleyya-Khazwa2a experience throughout my years of college ... but it came here ... not before my last final.
Well ... everyone's been there .. so i should too ... and after all if it weren't now then i would've never seen it ... yenfa3 keda bardo?? :D anyways i'm not mad or anything ... i'll just work harder for the whole day trying to figure out those vague last two chapters ... hope it all goes well.

I'm happy ... enjoying my glass of wine one little sip at a time ... and i'm sure all will be okay ... i'm looking forward to lots of things ... i'm looking forward to my camera ... hopefully after tomorrow ... or tomorrow if i'm too weak to hold it :D

Over'n'Out


Listenin to Suzanne Vega's Discography .. and reloving it all over again and again ... i love this woman. Nine Objects of Desire is the sexiest music album ever!!!

cheers to homoginity

I'm tired again ... too many inputs ... just too many ... and now it strikes me as ironic cause most my subjects are about one for of 'control' or the other ... no wonder i'm doing that bad! i liked PLC though... anyways ... mesh el adeyya

i've lost my ability to read ... i can't be patient enough to read the articles of my favorite bloggers even ... and i can't really write the way i want either (what's new in that??!) ...

i'm being called lots of things ... i think of myself as lots of things ... some of them intersect ... but i don't think they should.

there's a different between vague and lost ... it's like the same difference between truth and denial ... it's just there... and now i'm feeling really scared again...

i don't feel like clarity ... i feel like stretching on that thing they stretched Mel Gibson with at the end of Brave Heart ... i want to feel different ... fresh ... or new ... just anything different from this shitty pattern that doesn't wanna go away ...

you're not stupid ... i am ... i don't wanna lose what this means to me ... but there's always more i can't get to ... and i just can't right now ... i said it before and it still is ... i can't. where's the rewind button in this life?
a friend of mine said she saw me on May 9th and i seemed so happy she didn't wanna spoil it by even saying 'Hi' ... i want that day back ...

CONGRATULATIONS MONMON!!!!

So after a week of stress and bad exam after the other .... i finally receive some news that i can call GOOD ... wait ... not good, GREAT ... even more than that ...
Monmon has finally passed her PhD Dissertation defense and is now Dr. Monmon :)

i'm so proud and happy :) beyond description

i'm glad all the hard work we put into research and interviews .. and all the weird encounters were all worthwhile :) ... so monmon, congratulations

your friend, research assistant, and partner in crime,

NeMo

Dear Souad

As usual when i sit there to write something of what i feel, i find myself running in circles in my head on how to put it down. I'll try not do that so this will be too direct and to the point.
I have been abused for four years, I have major trust issues, and I lost faith that the thing people call 'love' exists. I seriously cannot define it anymore, and hence you will never find me talking about it much.
For the past years there hasn't been a time in which i opened my heart and wasn't hurt badly in return. There wasn't a time in which i was dependent on a person and was not deserted in return. There was not a time that i felt something good and wasn't forced to regret it later. There wasn't a time in which i did something i thought was special for a person without that person talking considering it lame and meaningless... maybe i'm over-victimizing myself by rules of common sense, but this is genuinely how i feel. I can never trust a person over these precious things in my life and in myself. I can never feel without worrying what would happen to me next, i'm always waiting for my scoop of ice-cream to fall to the floor. And better yet, I've become less tolerant towards any kind of abuse, even the slightest of bitchiness from anyone strikes memories of everything i've been through for the past four years. I can't go there again ... I can't be that person, and i DEFINITELY cannot allow anyone to a place where there's even the slightest possibility for them to hurt me like that again.
So I'm scared, and i'm sorry but ... i deserve to be.
The feeling i dread most in this world is loneliness ... not just any kind of loneliness ... unfair loneliness ... when u've been deserted in your most critical times of need, in times when u're in most need of support ... when the reasons you hear about yourself are the furthest thing from being true... and when despite all the shit u're in you're treated as if you're guilty when u're not ... and when your deserter apologizes later only to desert you again minutes after ... and when they just come talk as if nothing is wrong, and no harm has been made ... when you're blamed for the existence of things you made clear from day 1. so i'm over sensitive? well then again ... i deserve to be.
I'm sorry but it would take me a LONG while to be able to trust again ... especially with how i've already seen a great deal of my fears re manifest themselves during the past week. I don't think i'm over-reacting ... but seriously, i cannot be hurt again ... especially if it's for nothing wrong i did ... and especially if i don't deserve it ... i cannot allow myself to follow someone else's agenda anymore ... especially with how little appreciation i feel... I need to feel more appreciated in the times of my actual needs ... not when everything falls apart ... i need that to be the norm, not the treat to make me stay a while ...

i don't know what else to say

Kov