Wednesday, March 5, 2008
The point of this blog to me however, is to get out whatever bugs me, whatever silly insecurity i have in me, whatever complaints i might have of myself of the world of any fucking thing... whether it makes sense or not... it's my venting place!!
i write stuff when i'm angry ... i write stuff when i'm broken ... i write stuff whenever i feel anything wrong. i'm not obliged to correct that later when i feel better ... i'm writing for me more than it is for anyone else! because seriously, if i act upon what i feel when i feel it, i'll be the world's greatest criminal. So if you personally know me and think i'm too impulsive then freakin watch out!
Anyways, to cut the crap short, i'm leaving this blog and finding myself another outlet. Don't bother to ask about it if you personally know me :)
p.s. the music list is still on however.
song of the day: Massive Attack ~ Angel
Monday, March 3, 2008
you get so carried away with this mood that you fall for the same old teen mistake of ("this could never happen to me") and you get screwed by other people who did absolutely nothing but steal your work, and you get no credit at all.
You thank God for that unpleasant experience and for how it came at such an early stage so that it can be recovered in other tasks later (and since you're the one who invented everything all the sequels are bound to only you. So the ball is still, and mostly will be, in my court.
The problem is that you're just too straight forward. You hate ta7weer w waga3 el demaa3' especially when you deal with people, and even more specially when they're just strangers not friends, and even more than more specially when they're so acting nice and being friendly for no apparent reason. I call those shabab el maskaat w ard el nefaaq cause each time you get into the nice mode with them you find them sticking a pole up your ass ... nicely!
I just can't fake liking something i resent ... my friends hate me cause i can't pretend not to be mad when i am... strangers who give off the wrong first impression never end up knowing me because of all the "WTF" looks i give and can't hold back when they're around, so now i have to come up with some plan for this project to work... have to create some sort of safe mode that gets me my credit by being an undercover jerk ... haijerkov :D
wish me luck ;) and watch out from me!!!
Saturday, March 1, 2008
So that particular thought left me thinking if i'm really like that?! Is this all about my not being able to stand being alone as they say? or is it that i just can't stand how stupid i am to go through four years of needless crap for nothing that's eventually worth it AND throw away some really precious things that could've actually made me happy and changed my life to the better along the way?
"ma3refet el naas konooz ya ebny" W always said ... all i can say is that, but apparently i just put them in the wrong places: bad people really close to me so they can fuck me up, and the good people i just hurt and wash away ... ma 3aleena
After i attempted to write this post a few times and ofcourse as usual i get off track alot along the way and find myself writing about something that's totally different, i decided to take a break and check one of my recent favorite blogs: Insomniac's My Oblivia. Ironically today's post was titled "Alone". Despite her describing it as "thought vomit", i just loved it. guess it makes me wish i could just let it out as clearly as she does. So i'm using this opportunity to finally add something that makes sense over here:
"Alone Again, naturally
Why do people hate alone? Why do they fear alone? I don’t think alone is bad; there are much worse things.
Alone is my favorite poem by Edgar Allan Poe. Alone is what I am in every emotional moment, and I don’t hate it, nor am I afraid of it; probably because I have seen what’s worse, which is being with someone who made me yearn for being alone.
It’s been a while since I felt upset about anything lately, but of course something had to happen and change that… yesterday was the worst night in a while, and today wasn’t great either. And this is when it hit me, lying in bed holding both of my kids and trying so hard not to let myself cry; I am alone!
I didn’t want to call my aunt to rant, I didn’t want to call H for some moral support, I didn’t want to share my moment of weakness with anyone. I kept talking to myself and reassuring myself it will be ok, I know it will be, and when it does, I want it to be my own work, without anyone’s help!!
Years ago, I felt that way, and I called him thinking he was a shoulder I could cry on… and here I am right now because of that stupid notion. I am right here in this very place because I mistakenly thought he would be there for me instead of depending on myself.
Alone is not bad, alone is just fine. This is what I have to tell myself every time I feel that overwhelmed. I should not need anyone to make me feel better, I should know how to feel better on my own; this is the only way I wouldn’t get disappointed.
I did not let the negative energy consume me; I didn’t mope in my bed and let half awake sleep take advantage of me. I got up and started cleaning up; that’s the best I can do now when I am feeling angry and/or hurt, clean up! It’s funny because I am quite the messy person by nature, but now I know exactly where everything goes, it took me around an hour to fold every item of clothing back to where it belonged. And I did it because I decided to be alone, instead of running to the phone and dialing a friendly number.
Thank you for the hurtful and thoughtless words! They reminded me of all the things I had almost forgotten. They reminded me of why I so wanted to leave before, and they also reminded me that I should not expect help from anyone.
I can do it alone; I would rather do it alone than depend on someone who is bound to let me down making me feel so worthless and inadequate once they get tired of my existence or stop finding great company in my presence.
To that I have to agree that there are lots of aspects of one's life that could be much better if they were alone. There's not much pressure and requirements towards somebody, there are no restraints to your freedom, you can totally focus on whatever it is that you have at hand without worrying if that meant you're ignoring someone whose feelings you care about and wouldn't want to make them feel bad.
So if we put all this in a practical equation, it's a sure winner... but i guess that to me, i'm not all that practical ... maybe it's just not in my genes enough.
I miss sharing special private thoughts, feelings, places, experiences, and even stupid meaningless words and actions that i wouldn't normally do with just anyone. I miss feeling misunderstood, despite my actually almost never feeling that ever in my past relationship...
bottom line (abl matawweh tany) is ... i guess i could just totally agree and wish for that stupid volume to get piped down so i could just live normally ... if that could just be done ... Alone would be just great ... although i'm still not quite sure i want to wish for that.
I know i'm not being very conclusive but ... then again, when the hell was I whenever it came to that?!