Wednesday, July 2, 2008

A Little Brush of Reality

After yesterday's revelations, my head wouldn't stop. Souad says it's normal and human. I think it's against everything I was trying to be. Souad thinks i'm stupid for not noticing it all along ... I swear I didn't. If I had lied, i didn't know i had. Everything felt real ... every single time... but the truth was apparently different.
And now I remember every single look my best buddy gave me for the past two years everytime i told him A was in fact for real but the problem was the timing of it in the middle of everything that was going on i couldn't just give it what i could and she had the right not to handle it and i was too late in my recovery.
he gave me those extremely sarcastic looks as if i were the most stupid human alive .... and i hated it ...

God this subconscious is unbelievable! is it like a totally different person inside of us?? with a mind of its own (i can't call it a he or i'll go insane)?? or am i starting to burn a few fuses in the head??

Anyways ... so what's next? They say the first step in solving anything is admitting it. I admit i am extremely immature, and extremely stupid in my understanding of life, relationships, people, and i could even add selfish. I am a person who has no self control whatsoever and who should have enough strength to use his head and actually act upon it. I can reach certain states of denial that are truly unbelievable ... i myself cannot believe it till now ... and my denial can last for years...

I need to start calling my own bluffs.

The wise fishy told me that even if you can't stop (which she believes is totally human as well) at least be honest about it ... i wish i were a little bit less of a perfectionist.

To end this i need to send a message to two particular great people.

Dear A and Souad,
I know I have already called you both to say this, but i guess i didn't get the message through properly. I am seriously and sincerely sorry. I should've been more honest to myself and to you in times which i obviously wasn't. My denial had obviously beat my own common sense and sense of judgment. I swear none of this was obvious to me as it apparently was to everyone else.

Sorry again, and i want to assure you (if it matters at all) that I value you as one of THE most amazing people i've ever known, a thought that will never change, and it hurts me to see how fucked up i was to lose that.

You're totally unbelievable in ways i cannot describe... and you're a hell lot wiser than you should be. And I hope you don't go away.


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