As usual when i sit there to write something of what i feel, i find myself running in circles in my head on how to put it down. I'll try not do that so this will be too direct and to the point.
I have been abused for four years, I have major trust issues, and I lost faith that the thing people call 'love' exists. I seriously cannot define it anymore, and hence you will never find me talking about it much.
For the past years there hasn't been a time in which i opened my heart and wasn't hurt badly in return. There wasn't a time in which i was dependent on a person and was not deserted in return. There was not a time that i felt something good and wasn't forced to regret it later. There wasn't a time in which i did something i thought was special for a person without that person talking considering it lame and meaningless... maybe i'm over-victimizing myself by rules of common sense, but this is genuinely how i feel. I can never trust a person over these precious things in my life and in myself. I can never feel without worrying what would happen to me next, i'm always waiting for my scoop of ice-cream to fall to the floor. And better yet, I've become less tolerant towards any kind of abuse, even the slightest of bitchiness from anyone strikes memories of everything i've been through for the past four years. I can't go there again ... I can't be that person, and i DEFINITELY cannot allow anyone to a place where there's even the slightest possibility for them to hurt me like that again.
So I'm scared, and i'm sorry but ... i deserve to be.
The feeling i dread most in this world is loneliness ... not just any kind of loneliness ... unfair loneliness ... when u've been deserted in your most critical times of need, in times when u're in most need of support ... when the reasons you hear about yourself are the furthest thing from being true... and when despite all the shit u're in you're treated as if you're guilty when u're not ... and when your deserter apologizes later only to desert you again minutes after ... and when they just come talk as if nothing is wrong, and no harm has been made ... when you're blamed for the existence of things you made clear from day 1. so i'm over sensitive? well then again ... i deserve to be.
I'm sorry but it would take me a LONG while to be able to trust again ... especially with how i've already seen a great deal of my fears re manifest themselves during the past week. I don't think i'm over-reacting ... but seriously, i cannot be hurt again ... especially if it's for nothing wrong i did ... and especially if i don't deserve it ... i cannot allow myself to follow someone else's agenda anymore ... especially with how little appreciation i feel... I need to feel more appreciated in the times of my actual needs ... not when everything falls apart ... i need that to be the norm, not the treat to make me stay a while ...
i don't know what else to say