what if ... then what

tonight is the night of the 'what if's and 'then what?'s
i can't stop thinking in those weird directions and wonder ... what if this had worked out? what if i didn't lose that? what if i hadn't done this or that?
and look at everything i currently have and everything that's going on around me, and again i wonder ... "then what???!!"
where is this all going? i have no clue ... but it sure tells me it's time to sleep. ...

p.s. this is very hard to explain but somehow i miss you all ... every single one of you

Deep Longings

I have a final tomorrow ... I've been having this weird headache since yesterday that just won't go away ... I'm sitting in this silent cafe trying to get enough focusing energy in my head so i could finish this final chapter i have left ... I'm extremely tired

I need to lose all this stress ... i need to lose this headache ... i need to stop daydreaming ... i need to go diving ... everytime i close my eyes i see this view ... hopefully in a month i can see it for real.





Picture taken at the Reefs of St. John Island ... offshore from Halayeb in the south of Egypt. July-2007

NOTE TO SELF

My situation is MY situation ... and so is my schedule, it's all MINE and it's me who controls it. If you want to interfere with that, it's up to me to decide whether or not to let you in it. And i should not give a rat's ass what your excuse is to fuck it all up and have the right to totally say no to whatever it is you wanna do with it, simply because it's mine!
When I am free, i'll let you know and will be glad to do anything for you, but until I am, I'm certainly not.

This message is not intended for a certain specific person from those who will definitely take this personally, because i know all of you will ... it's intended for all human beings currently living on this planet.

Thank you and good night!

Cold but I Love it

Today i can finally admit that it's getting cold in here ... i finally have those chills and shivers .... i'm even typing as fast as i can to get under the covers :) ... and i'm thanking GOD i finally have a laptop to use in bed (my hands are out though :)) ...
today i also finally feel good for some unknown reason despite life being so shitty to me. I just decided (or maybe haven't really) to just go with the essential flow ... that is focus on the things that matter and the essentials .. and it's going quite well i guess... as one of my favorite people always says: "Good things happen to those who wait" and i'm just hangin in there.
I was listening to the only functioning CD left in my car when this song came up ... and it really cheered me up so eventually it's the song i'm recommending for the day

Song of the day: Everybody wants you ~ Josh Kelley

Confessions and So-Called Revelations

I was having the usual thinking over a cigarette time ... when it came to me:
In all my writings i'm stating objections to life ... things i wish ... things i hate .... and questions that seam so rhetorical. Do i really have no answers at all??? I seriously doubt it!
I think i'm running away ... i have all the answers but just don't want to admit it.
I'm constantly afraid of the consequences of knowing ... afraid i can't put up with the responsibility of acting right upon knowing ... i'd rather stay where i am than jump into the unknown ... or the known for that matter ... it's like i can't make myself take the leap out of my irresponsible childhood ...
and that being said ... i still don't know if i'll do anything about it ...

ma 3aleena ... wish me luck in my exams

Sometimes

sometimes i'm not in the mood for stupidity
sometimes i'm not in the mood for meaninglessness
sometimes i'm not in the mood for handling either
sometimes i'm not in the mood for tolerating people acting upon them
sometimes i don't care if they're close or not
sometimes i just can't stand the noise
sometimes i can't stand being criticized
sometimes i can't bare being judged
sometimes i get sick of these judgments being the starter for their conversations
sometimes i can't stand them taking them back because they're wrong ... then going through the same shit the next time we deal
sometimes i don't feel like doing favors
sometimes i don't feel like repeating favors
sometimes i can't stand that i'm being taken for granted
sometimes i just need my own space and time
sometimes i need to act like a child
sometimes i can't tolerate childish jokes and behavior
sometimes i don't mind fooling myself into feeling that i'm the grownup i'm not close to being
sometimes i just need to be selfish without hating myself for it
sometimes i need to be more thankful
sometimes i need to be more responsible
sometimes i just need to reconsider
sometimes i need to stop thinking
sometimes i should just focus on the task at hand
sometimes i need to feel small
sometimes i need to feel tossed around in a spiral of a big wave
sometimes i dream of my perfect impact
sometimes i wish i could fall off this dune again
sometimes i wish i could fix all this
sometimes i want to keep it all as shattered as it is
sometimes i just wish i could take it all back and make you understand what you don't
sometimes i wish you could see me as i am and not think this way about me
sometimes i wish i could have one sincere conversation with you
sometimes i need to believe more in fate
sometimes i need to take life in
sometimes i can't stand the fact that once i fix something another gets broken
sometimes i need to feel at ease
sometimes i dream of being completely careless

sometimes i need to stop trying to control everything and JUST ... LET ... GO!!!



Today's Music is Nine Inch Nails

My quest for meaning is still endless, yet it's always in my heard and never my head.
It's in the deepest parts of me, yet never comes out enough to be recognized by my intellect.
Is it actually there? Or is it my own created fiction?
Am I simply running away in my head? scared to face reality? scared to face this world? so i just create one of mine in which all is well? in which i feel safe?

The trick is, it can never be safe. It just can never be. why can't i ever live with that?

Why does one has to fuck things up so bad in attempt to just make it better? or do i ever know what i'm making out of it? actually i don't mind my fucking it up ... but do i have to know that i'm fucking it up while i'm doing it??

Mirrors (A Short Story)

It's funny how today i was complaining about how i hated my writings ... 5 minutes later i was reading an awesome short story written by an online friend of mine, and i feel like i really have to share it with you all. This is GREAT STUFF!!!!

Mirrors
By: Noha Al-Sewaify

A Walk alone is always good after a long, tiring day. It was a cold winter night, rain was pouring with an echoing sound, his thoughts clashing in his exhausted brain matched the echo with an even louder noise! Or at least it seemed so to him. It was nearly 3 Am, nobody else was in the street, except for a stray, skinny kitten, and the moon.

The rain began to pour even harder, through the darkness and the raindrops, a blue sign that read "Mirrors" caught his eye, he ran towards his salvation, the sound of his shoes splashing in the water was as loud as his heartbeats. The moment he walked through the door he felt as if he's stepped in another world, it was warm and empty, as if it was waiting for him. He sat at a corner table and ordered a coffee. "Do you have any cigarettes?", "yes, there you go" the boy said offering him a cigarette. Funny as it is, he felt as a boy getting a long-desired toy, his wife doesn't let him smoke in the house, so he's given up smoking since they got married. It's been seven year. He stared at the cigarette for a minute or two, fantasizing about that first inhale he's about to take… and then he put that cigarette between his lips, lit it, closed his eyes, and inhaled.

A tall, slim woman in a long, purple coat rushed in, she closed her umbrella and brushed off some raindrops off her coat, she had soft, red hair, and a pale skin. He watched her take off her coat, and order a cup of hot tea, she was wearing a deep red dress, it reached slightly below her knees, she had long, smooth legs, and a beautiful figure. Her face was covered with quiet an amount of makeup, from her dark mascara, to her dark, red lipstick. "What was a gorgeous woman like her be doing there at three Am, and on such a cold and lonely night?" he wondered!

"Do you like what you see??" she asked him in an aggressive, angry tone, "oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stare. You just reminded me of someone I used to know" he said in an apologetic tone, "oh really? And who would that be?" she said carelessly throwing her long, red hair back, "someone that's not there anymore", "I'm sorry" she seemed embarrassed of her playful attitude, she stood up, grabbed her cup and approached him, "I'm Nadia" she offered him her manicured hand, "nice to meet you, Nadia, I'm Adam". She sat herself on his table, crossed her legs and sipped her tea.

For a couple of moments afterwards he seemed lost in his own thoughts, she interrupted saying "a rough night ha?", "yeah, I had a stormy argument with my wife, can't get myself to go home yet", "I was talking about that heavy rain" she said and smiled, "oh…that too", "what did you argue about?", he was altered by her rude question, and even more by the fact that she didn't look like she realizes that it was, "it's just not the same anymore", "you look kinda young, how long have you been married?", "seven years, how about you?", she laughed a loud, flirty laugh and said, "who me??! I've never been married, and never want to be, it's too much heartache and responsibility", "you got that right".

Soon enough, the morning came, the sunlight softly entered the street outside, and shortly made it to their table. He stood up and said "I guess it's time to go home, it was nice meeting you, goodnight, or should I say good morning?" he said with a blank look on his face, "just say, see you later", "bye" he said, shook her hand fast, and left

Reaching his house, he saw his two kids getting on the school bus, they didn’t see him, he turned his key, opened the door and walked in. The house was clean and quiet, he opened the bedroom door softly so he wouldn’t wake up his wife, her dark hair covered half her bright, exhausted face, she smelled like fresh bakery, God how calm, and peaceful she looked. He slipped under the covers without changing, the bed was warm and inviting, so what if he missed one work day? He’s been on time for over nine years now, he’s entitled to miss a day if he feels like it.

She sat there at the café’ staring at space for a moment or two after he left, she didn’t wanna go to that empty apartment again, she’s scared of being alone, loneliness can kill you slowly. “I’m sorry Miss, but we’re gonna close now, you can come back in one hour, we’ll be open again” the boy said, “how much do I owe you?” she asked in a hostel tone, “that’s ok, the gentleman has already paid for both of you”. She took her umbrella and her coat and left.

Lyla woke up to find her husband asleep next to her in his full clothes, he smelled like cigarettes and coffee, she sat there staring at him, after a while she left the bed and went to take a shower. The water was so hot and relaxing, she closed her eyes and let the water wash down the kids, the stress, and the bitterness of the argument from the night before. As she drank her coffee she wondered how her life came down to this? She always thought she’d live an exciting life, her friends always thought she’d be the happy, successful one. School was her fame time, she was the centre of attention, her strong character made her the teachers’ pit, and the group leader, as her long, dark hair, green eyes, and flirty attitude made her the boys’ out-of-reach fantasy. How did it all come down to this? The kids are all that she’s got, her 5 year old boy was a sweetheart, and the 4 year old was the prettiest little girl in the neighborhood, she loves her kids, but that’s not all, is it? Something’s missing, she is not happy, a tear fill in her coffee, so she got up, and threw it down the sink, along with her disappointment, she got dressed and went to the supermarket.

The dinner was set on the table, the smell was so good, Adam came down to find his wife sitting alone on the table waiting for everybody to join in, “where are the kids?”, “washing their hands” she said without looking at him. “I made a pretty painting this morning, mom, it was so pretty that the teacher put it on the wall”, “you ‘painted’ one honey, not made one, you don’t make paintings”, the boy looked very disappointed and ate silently, “that’s great son, what did you paint?” Adam said trying to save the situation, “a cow and a tree and a dog”, “nice, maybe you can ‘paint’ another one so mom could hang it on our refrigerator”, “can I mom?”, “of course baby, I’d love that” she said and kissed him on his forehead, “now eat you dinner before it gets cold”.

“I have to get a cat or something” Nadia said to herself walking in her cold apartment, “a cat would defiantly keep me company”. She went straight to take a bath, filled her tub with warm water and her favorite French perfume, she added some moisturizer, and lit a few candles. As the water fill, she took off her dress and stared at her own reflection in the mirror, she was a beautiful woman, and she knew it. Lying there in the tub she thought of that poor, miserable man from that night, how sad it must feel to be in an unhappy marriage, and she’d know, she often heard her mom crying through the bedroom wall, she used to watch her tears fall in the side mirror, as she, the child, was in the back seat, it broke her heart every time. “I wonder how his wife looks like? She’s probably one of those women that let themselves go, fat and all messed up, do they have any kids? Children are such a disaster to one’s looks, they ruin your figure, your hair starts to fall, your skin all exhausted”. She took a couple of handful of the warm water and started throwing them down her back, “if I ever have a daughter, she’ll be the prettiest little girl alive, she’ll have my hair and my nose, maybe she can have her father’s skin I’m too pale” she paused at that thought, she couldn’t think of any man with a nice skin, she just couldn’t think of any man, there was no man, a tear fill in the water and took her mind of the thought, she laid back her head, and stared at the ceiling.

“You know, you could have been much nicer to your son this evening” Adam said to his wife as she was reading a book in bed, “and what makes you such an expert? You barley know your children, I’m the one who has to make sure they speak properly, I’m the one who has to make sure they eat properly and behave like human beings”, “they’re not yet human beings, they’re still kids, Lyla”, “then I suppose you’re still a kid too”, “what’s is that supposed to mean”, “it means whatever the hell you want it to mean”, “is that gonna be the end of all our conversations?”, “ha, what conversations??!”, “listen, I’m trying to talk to you and you’re being so unbelievable”, “am I? That’s just great, and what do you call your coming home at 7 am this morning?”, “I was out on a walk, I needed the fresh air, I felt that I was suffocating in here”, “a walk and a cigarette” she said, turned off the light, and turned her back to him. Both of them laid awake almost all through that night, their backs to each other’s.

Her short, lavender skirt, white, silky blouse, the wind running through her long, red hair, the high heels, the lipstick, it all made everyone on the street turn, look, and stare, she loved that, although she always pretended that it annoyed her, but it didn’t. “You’re late again, Nadia” her boss said as she walked in his office, “I’m so sorry, the traffic was…”, “never mind, you’re lucky you look as good as you do in the morning” she laughed out loud, but his remark shook her to the bone, that’s all she was, something good to look at, “do you want me to get you anything, sir?”, “yes, my morning coffee, sugar”. Passing by the coffee machine she over heard two women talk about her “yeah, she comes in 25 minutes late and she gets away with it”, “of course, cause she can, she probably already paid the price last night”, “I don’t really think she’s sleeping with him, I think he just enjoys looking up her so-called skirt, or down her so-called blouse, though he doesn’t really need to look down, there’s not much left to peep at, it’s all out there anyways”, the women laughed, and went their separate ways. She gathered herself together, made the coffee, and took it to the boss. Just another cup of coffee on another day.

Adam went to buy the birthday cake, his little girl was really the apple of his eye, he went to 3 different stored to get her one with “the little mermaid” on it, they invited about 30 guests for that birthday. Meanwhile, Lyla was home making appetizers for the big night, the kids helped too. By six pm his parents and hers were already there, they got the kids a bunch of lovely toys and candy. “Can you be any slower? they keep asking about you”, “well, excuse me for wanting to look good for, it takes a lot to clean up after five hours in the kitchen”, “you look lovely, honey” he said softly and kissed her on the cheek, she was so touched by his tenderness, she smiled at him, his heart pounded for that long-forgotten smile, just like the old days, they stared at each other for a moment, “mom, grandpa is asking about you, he said if you don’t go down now, he won’t give you any chocolate”, “ok, let’s go baby” she said and gave her husband her hand, when they walked in the room her dad said “here comes my princess” and stood up and gave her a big hug. The rest of the evening was fun, a lot of kids, a lot of noise, a lot of food, and a lot of laughs, “you look nice, Lyla, where did you find this dress” her best friend asked, “you won’t believe it, I got it on sale from that mini mall down the road”, “well, nobody can wear it like you do, I wish I look as nice as you after seven years of marriage”, “you are still charming after 3 sweetie”.

When blowing the candles Adam stood behind his wife holding her, he was proud of how beautiful she looked, and how much effort she gave into the party, their daughter blew her 4 candles and everyone clapped, they both kissed her, then all the kids ran out to play. Later, a cousin offered Adam a cigarette “no thanks, when we got married, Lyla told me that she won’t let me smoke in the house, so I quit”, “so your wife made you quit”, “well, she used to know how to make me do anything” Adam said with a sigh, “not really, I used to think I know, but now I’m old enough to know how well you can let me down” Lyla said in a bitter tone, while looking at her husband, then turned to the friend and continued “I caught him smoking the other day”, everyone was silent for a moment, then his mother said “thanks for the lovely evening, Lyla, this was fun”, “oh, it was nothing, thanks for taking the trouble of coming all the way for her birthday, that made her very happy, all of us really”.

When everyone was gone, Lyla went to the bedroom leaving all the mess till the morning, she put on her sweats and washed of the makeup and the party, she was already in bed when Adam walked in, he silently slipped in, both said nothing, then after a few minutes he said “so, I let you down?”, she was surprised he remembered something that she had said, “and what’s with that ‘thanks for coming all that way for the birthday’ that you said to my mom, it’s her GRAND DAUGHTER’S birthday”, “what are you talking about? I was trying to be nice”, she was surprised by the absurdity of what he was saying, “and how long have I been letting you down?”, “since we had our first child”, “funny, I think of the exact same thing, but in my head, it’s you who let me down, you who completely threw everything away, your baby was all that mattered, I was nothing”, Lyla sat up and looked at him and said “and you did nothing, you left me here with all the work, you continued with your life and your friends as if nothing has changed, and when you came home, you expected me to be all anxious to see you, and throw myself in your arms, forgetting that I have been wearing myself out, for your house, your son, and you”, Adam sat up as well “don’t say you wear yourself out for me, for your son, sure, your house, but not me, I was the last on your list, I used to be the first, remember?”, “no, you weren’t the first on my list, you were my list, all I had was you, I quit my job, my social life, all for you, you were all that I have, but now I have our children too, our home, I can’t keep up anymore, I’m a human Adam, don’t you remember what that’s like?” her tone louder and angrier, “well remember that I never asked you to give up anything, and if I recall correctly, you were glad to give them up’, “well, I was a naïve, fool, I was in love”, “you were in love??!” they both paused, then in a lower voice she said “do you even know why I told you not to smoke in the house? Because I figured out that it will make you quit, and I wanted you to live forever, cause I couldn’t imagine my world without you… and not for the kids, not so that you’d b there for them, we didn’t have any kids back then, I wanted you there for me, and you didn’t get it, you just don’t get it, now you can smoke two packs a day for all I care”, “what are you saying? You don’t care anymore?”, “no, you don’t care” she concluded in a low tone, and then turned her back to him.

The next morning Adam was late for work, he didn’t get any sleep, driving to work, he thought of that red-haired woman from the café, he wondered how she was doing, he didn’t even know why he thought of her, what was her name? Something Russian, Nadia, that’s it, Nadia, he wondered if he’d ever meet her again, he’d ask her how she was doing! Weird as it is, but she didn’t look happy, she was very beautiful, but sad, well since he’s late anyways, he might pass by that café, maybe she’s having breakfast! He took an exit and drove to the café.

“Good morning, sir, I’m on time today”, “yes, I see that, how come?”, “I woke up thirty minutes earlier”, “well, it’s fine as long as it doesn’t affect the way you look every morning” he said and winked at her, she smiled and ached, “should I make your coffee now?”, “you know what, since you’re early, why don’t you go the extra mile this morning, why don’t you be a doll and go to that café down the street, and get me breakfast, sugar?”, “sure”, she took his money and went.

Adam sat at that same corner table drinking tea, she wasn’t there, but since he was, a cup of tea would reduce his lose! He sat reading the paper when he heard “hi, it’s you again” he looked up and there she was, in a pink dress, and all that red hair and lipstick, “hi, how ironic for us to meet again like this, Nadia, right?”, “yeah, and you’re Adam”, “yeah, how is it going?”, “great, and you?”, “wonderful, why don’t you sit down?”, “well, I really shouldn’t, I’m getting breakfast for my boss”, “wow, doesn’t that annoy you when they ask for such things? You shouldn’t get breakfast to anyone, matter of fact, breakfast should be brought to a woman like you” he said and smiled, she felt flattered and said, “ok, what the hell! Let the bastard wait” and they booth laughed.

There was something about him that captured her heart, it’s not his looks, he’s not that good looking, he is handsome though, can’t be his dark eyes, cause she always fill for bright eyes, it could be his sense of humor, or maybe his tenderness, somehow he had a fatherly warmth around him, it diffidently has a lot to do with the way he treats her, not because she looks the way she does, but for who she really is, although they just met, but he seemed to know who she really is, and respect it, one thing for sure, it’s not that ring on his finger.

“I’m gonna leave now, I gotta go to work, besides, the bastard must be starving” he said smiling as he pointed, with his eyes, to her boss’ breakfast on the table, then stood up, “yeah, you’re right” she said smiling, then she stood up and said in a low tone “wanna take my number, maybe next time you’re coming down here you could give me a call!!”, he was taken by the suggestion, but not annoyed, not at all, he looked her deep in the eye and said “I’d love that” he remained staring into her for a few moments, she trembled a bit then said “it’s 555-7676”, “I won’t forget it” he said and gave her a charming smile, he then rushed out the door, and away. For a minute or two she stood still holding her boss’ breakfast, then she took off, “I’d love that, and I won’t forget” he was such a nice gentleman!

Adam arrived home late that night, he didn’t want another confrontation with Lyla, as he walked in the bedroom door she took her eyes of her book, and gave him ‘the look’; “it’s eight pm”, “so??”, “so??!! You’re three hours late! We had dinner alone”, “what do you mean alone? You just said it, ‘we’, you ate with the kids”, Lyla shook her head and continued reading her book. He changed his clothes and went to bed without anymore words, “so, do you wanna tell me where you were?”, “I don’t, but do you wanna know?”, she got furious and said “yes, I’d like to know”, “we had to work late tonight”, “couldn’t you have called to tell me that you were going to be late”, “why???! I thought that we settled that last night, you don’t care, right?” the minute the words came out of his mouth, he knew how harsh they were, but she couldn’t see it on his face cause it was turned the other way, she swallowed his cruelty, and turned the off the light..

Lying in her bed late that night, Nadia felt weird about the whole thing, Adam was often on her mind, more than a married man should be, and what’s with that giving him her number idea? What was she thinking, or what was she not? The guy has a wife somewhere, maybe kids! He did say that he argues with his wife a lot, she has to be a stupid woman to drive such a nice man away. “She probably married him for his money” she thought, “he doesn’t look that rich, but he looks like he’s doing well, maybe it was one of those settling marriages, poor Adam, looks like she treats him really bad! What woman would do that? She must be a heartless bitch” she said out loud, “If I was her, I’d take care of him, yeah…if I was his wife, I’d make him happy” she thought, then went to sleep.

Lyla was making breakfast for the kids the next morning, Adam noticed she didn’t make any for him, she was still mad, she doesn’t have the right to be, after all, she’s the one who said she didn’t care anymore. “You take the kids to school today, I’m too tired”, “but I’d be late for work, you’ve nothing else to do”, “yeah, I have nothing else to do, but you’re taking them to school”. Adam was mad at her childish attitude, but he drove the kids to work, as soon as he arrived to work, he looked around, and after he made sure nobody was close, he picked up the phone and dialed Nadia’s number, “hello, Nadia? It’s Adam from the.., “I know who you are, I’m so glad you called”, “good, hmmm”, “listen I gotta go to work I’m already late, but, you wanna meet me at the café at around lunch time, one or so?”, “yeah, that’ll be great”, “alright, see you then, bye”, “bye”. Adam hung up and sat there talking himself into how ordinary and casual what he just did was, it’s not like he’s having an affair, not that Lyla would care if he was, besides, Nadia isn’t that type, she’s got more respect for herself, she wouldn’t, neither would he, then he worked away the hours till lunch time, till he meets her again.

“I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m going crazy” Lyla said to her best friend as they were sitting in the latter’s kitchen, “I try talking with him, but we always end up arguing or yelling, it’s like we’re two strangers, strangers who don’t even like each other, they simply remind each other of an long-forgotten lover or something” she let go a tear and sipped her coffee, “well, maybe you should try finding out if something else is bothering him”, “what else?”, “I don’t know, did anything change in his routine lately?”, “well, he got home late a couple of times”, “how late”, “like three, four hours, once he stayed up all night” her friend had an uneasy look on her face, but said nothing, Lyla then said “nooo, he wouldn’t, he’s not the type”, “what do you mean he’s not the type? He’s a man, isn’t he? Don’t get me wrong, I love Adam, but I’m just saying, if a man can’t find comfort home, he seeks it elsewhere”, Lyla drifted away with her own subsections a bit, her friend felt for her and tried to ease her pain “you know what, you’re right, Adam is a good father and a loyal husband, how about this, why don’t you bring the kids over here tonight, and plan a nice evening for the both of you alone?”, “that doesn’t sound so bad, I’ll do it, I’ll call him as soon as I get home, and tell him not to be late, I’ll say his parents are coming over or something”, “sounds good”. The two best friends went on discussing other things, but Lyla’s mind was all busy with plans of what to do when Adam gets home.

Nadia was so thrilled by his phone call, she figured, now that they’ll meet for lunch, she’d probably be late returning to work afterwards, besides, she wanted to take a little more time fixing herself, so, she called in sick, not that her presence is that important, or anything, let someone else bring him the damn coffee. She went shopping for some food, the café’s food isn’t that nice, they might just come back to her place, after all, it’ll be midday, and he’s a respectable man, not a big deal. She got fresh flowers, a couple of vases, scented the apartment, took a bath, wore an exciting, red dress, manicured her toes and nails, she must have really liked Adam.

“Why are you standing in the street?”, “waiting for you, hi, how are you?” Adam was a little puzzled, but more enchanted by how pretty and sexy Nadia looked, “I’m fine, I’m very fine, how are you?” he said smiling, “I thought, you know, since it’s lunch time, and the café’s food isn’t all that, I prepared lunch at my apartment, it’s right over there” she said softly and pointed to an apartment in the building across the street, Adam looked where her finger pointed, and wondered what she was thinking!! but whatever it was that she was thinking, he had NO idea what to say to her, then she said “I promise you won’t be late for going back to work” she said as she grabbed his arm smoothly, and started walking towards the apartment.

Later when she arrived home, Lyla picked up the phone and called her husband at work “Adam hasn’t got back in the office since he went out for lunch ma’am, but I’ll be glad to tell him to give you a call back as soon as he walks in”, “oh, thanks very much” she put the phone down, and struggled a bit to wash off the negative thoughts, she started preparing for that nice dinner, he likes pasta, she’ll make pasta, and chicken, it’s 4 o’clock! He’s been out for lunch for over three hours! Maybe she’d make a cake too, he likes cake, he might be on a business errand or something, but wouldn’t the secretary know?

Both tables were all set, both women hoped, and all three hearts pounded. Lyla sat alone, in all her glamour, waiting away her doubts, and her husband. Nadia sat across the table from the husband, hoping he enjoys her cooking, and her. “it’s quite a late lunch” Adam said, trying to break the tension in the air, “yeah, it’s an early dinner”, “I suppose you didn’t go to work today” Adam said while examining the obviously, newly decorated apartment, and the full set table, “no, I didn’t, I thought since it’s your first time over, the apartment should look it’s best” she said giggling, he, on the other hand, didn’t look as happy, what does she mean “the first time”, and why did she go through all this trouble? She missed a work day for this! Spent a decent sum of money, and time, what could she be thinking???!! Nadia stood up, moved across the room and turned on some music.

In the meantime, Lyla was standing in front of the clock wondering where Adam was! She turned around and faced an actual-size mirror, she looked good, in a long black dress, and simple makeup, what’s this, wrinkles? She took a closer look, she had wrinkles, she’s thirty two and has wrinkles! Damn those years, they took away her beauty, her youth, and maybe her husband. She battled with a persistent tear not to mess up her makeup, she walked away from the mirror, turned on some old jazz, and sat again on the table, waiting.

Adam watched Nadia take the dishes to the kitchen, she reminded him of Lyla, he loved Lyla so much, he loves her, it’s just not the same as it used to be when they were in school, he caught his own reflection in a mirror across the room, who was that man? A middle aged man, in a strange woman’s apartment, on a Tuesday afternoon! The children would be so ashamed if they knew what their father was doing, his parents, his friends, and Lyla! She’s been with him through a lot, obstacles and drama, and at some point, through the happiest memories of his life, actually, She was the happiest memories of his life, the green-eyed girl from the art class.

As Nadia was washing her hands in the bathroom she was staring at the running water, what a man, he never made a move, didn’t talk down to her, he respected her, she’d love to cook him dinner every night, to watch him joke around and speak of the world, to dress up for him when he comes home from work? But what is the point? If every one of those nights he goes back home, to his wife, while she cries herself to sleep? She looked up, then smiled to herself in the mirror, a sad smile, and walked out.

When Nadia walked in the room, Adam was standing by the door, with his jacket on, “I’m sorry, I can’t”, he said with sorrow in his eyes, and an apology in his voice, she smiled softly and said, “I know” she walked up to him and stood very close as she held his hand for a goodbye, they stayed in each other’s eyes for a moment or two, then, he walked out, and away. She sat on the floor behind the door for a while, smiling through her tears.

Lyla stared at her husband as he walked in and across the room, he looked so wrapped up in his own world, “you’re late” she said, “sorry” he didn’t even look at her, not knowing what words were coming out of his mouth, and she knew that too, “no, you’re not”, “please, I can’t do this again, not tonight, can I just go to bed?” he said and walked on to the bed room. Lyla sat still on her table, what just happened? He didn’t notice anything! He didn’t even look at her! He walked straight through her! She began eating the pasta and the chicken, swallowing her tears down along.





Noha Elsewaify,

Title

So it's been a week since i wrote anything. It's not because there hasn't been anything to write, it's actually been a really intense week. but for some reason i just entered one of those anti-writing phases... you know when you just sit there with the composer open yet you just don't feel like it??

I can say the best thing that happened this week was Friday. I discovered i had something like 5 obligations set up for the same time ... when i found that to be too frustrating, i ditched them all, took a friend and traveled out of town. Those were the best 24 hours i spent in a long time.
The best thing about it is how enlightening it was ... it's good to have a clear head to be able to think out of all the noise (virtual and real) that there is in Cairo. No pressures ... No people ... Not a single human being in a mile's radius that you don't agree on. That was awesome!

I admit it didn't settle anything from all my issues, or solve any of my problems, after all i still have 5 procrastinated things i have to make up in return, but still, a good time to chill and ignore the whole world is priceless ...

i hate my writing

KA3BOORA ETRA7'ASET YA GED3AAN!!!!

After three months of driving without a car license, it finally came out today!!!
the story is that Heliopolis has left Nasr City. LOL i know it sounds weird ;). in more details, we heliopolitans used to have our traffic registrations and car licenses come out from the Nasr City office, now that's all changed and they moved us to another place in the most crowded area in Heliopolis. .. So i had to start the whole registration process from the very beginning doing some extremely bureaucratic crap along the way ... they need a paper here listing the details and descriptions of my car and then i need to have it checked by some guy whose job is make everything in the car seem wrong so i can go fix it ... a little koosa here and a little wasta there .... and then came the greatest problem of all ....
my car is a cabrio (convertible for all you americans) ... and somehow in previous checks it was described in the papers as a normal sedan ... despite there not being a single non-hatchback Golf on this planet to this day ....
the Chasis number is correct (which means it IS the car they talk about in the papers they have) and yet it's a convertible ... how come!!!!!???!!!! and it took all day today to solve the bureaucracy related to this amazing problem ....
and now i have a license for my car - FINALLY - and a potential buyer if i ever wanted to sell ka3boora ... and that buyer is the head of the Nasr City traffic unit!!!!!

coming to think of it, ka3boora did use its seductive talents in making this day go well ;)

Angels and Devils

So today i insisted on finding a good track ... so i searched to see if any of the bands i like released anything new... i downloaded seether's latest, Godsmack's latest (a year old now), and fuel's as well. The Godsmack album really sucked bigtime, no wonder i haven't heard of it for a year. Seether's ok but not that wow .... but the one that really rocks and that i recommend big time is Fuel's Angels and Devils ...
The best one so far is "hangin' around" which is also today's song of the day :)

enjoy y'all

Reverse-Irony

I just love it when irony plays against something else other than me ... makes me laugh instead of become angry :)
Damn this is fucked up :D ... and if worse comes to worst, i know i also payed my shit forward ... then why am i working myself up?? guess the best option now is to stick to last week's theme... set the benchmarks and believe in them no matter what ... once certain things are doubted, you start falling apart ... and there's no reason to go there since they shouldn't be doubted in the first place :D

I'm searching for a new track that would put me in the mood ... anyone got any???

i can now say that i finally got the message i wanted :)

thanks to all those cooperated :)

i hope i never feel this again :)

Truth?

What importance is the truth if noone else can believe it?
What significance is of a lie that is so freakin obvious?
What could possibly be the result of something you attempted a zillion times before in vain?
What good is your feeling something if it can't be shared?
What's the use of words if they're not understood? that's if they are heard...
What good is change if it's not in what you need to make it work?
What's the use of someone else changing if it's not going to make a difference?
What could come out of a second chance if you're constantly cornered and haunted by what spoiled the first one?
Why do people sometimes just give up too easily?
Why did I have to go blank and give the impression that i gave up?
How would the world be if nothing needed compromise? (i got the answer to this one previously)
How about just cleaning your slate? but will anyone else see that it's clean?? then what's the use?
does everything have to be based upon what people would think?
Is it true that some of those opinions do matter?
Is there such a thing as a special person whose friendship lasts?
Is there such a thing as a love that lasts?
Does love actually exist?
Can missing and instinctive need be differentiated??


is there such a thing as truth? does it matter?

I Hope I Helped You Live

Song of the Day: Creed ~ Wrong Way

Turning

In times of deep depression you have to reach a point when u're just sick of it ... and find a way to push yourself forward... for this i had two catalysts: 1- is a couple of great friends i'll cherish for my entire life (thanks you guys)... and 2- Is a quote that was written on a poster next to my principal's office back when i was in highschool.

it says: A BEND IN THE ROAD IS NOT THE END OF THE ROAD ... UNLESS YOU FAIL TO TAKE THE TURN

note to self

lemm nafsak shwayya badal ma7atedda2 3ala dmaa3'ak taany

Coffee and Cigarettes (Again!)

usually such moods and outbursts or crap come and go ... they don't last ... hence the term 'Sleep on it' ... which is exactly what i did yesterday ...
why do i in particular have to be reminded in my sleep? why can't i dream about anyone else? anything else? kefaaya ba2a begadd!!!!
that other day i recommended Michelle Featherstone's "Coffee and Cigarettes" and now I am recommending it all over again. And somehow the feeling i have towards it is just totally reversed than last time. I'm not feeling mellow or calm ... this time i'm totally bitter and angry!

have a better day,

yet again the same circles

I love the irony of things i go through... the time in which you're in the most need of someone to talk to is the night you're totally and utterly ignored. it's happened too freaking much before but why the hell does it have to look so deliberate??
in some cases, it's always been like that which strikes lightning bolts in my head right now!! then why the heck did you even go there ... again??! why do you have to go there when you're completely vulnerable and fucked up to hear lots of stuff that apparently are totally not sincere and just a bunch of @#$% so as to later discover that and become totally hurt all over again??!!
why does life have to slap you on the face too many times from the same direction? and an even better question, why do you always fall for it and feel that there could be the slightest possibility of a change?? guess some people are just born fools.
some people though don't go through the trouble of saying anything .... they just ignore straight up and right in your face ... how hard is it for you to just pop a line back when you find a message, especially when your dot turns green a sec after you got it??!!

i don't know it's just too aggrevating ... and the more frustrating thing about it is how pathetic i actually feel writing about it right now... so i'll just stop

at some point i WILL die in a lonely cell in a mental institution

same circles

today was a better day than yesterday ... lots of work ... lots of going round town ... i'm really tired ... but feel alot better ... my car's supposedly fixed yet i haven't tried it yet ... was driving my dad's all day ... my God 3 liter engines do suck so much gas!!!!
anyways ... on other levels though, it hasn't been such a good day. I hate it when i bypass my fears and give my vulnerability-phobia a chance to be overcome then totally regret it. It's like you always find little pointers attracting your attention, like alarm signals that make you go "Uh oh ... this feels familiar ..." problem is that the faint memory of the familiarity is not something you wanna go through .... leaves me wondering if i'll ever be able to get over this. will i ever be able to be normal ... if my expectations are actually feasible ... or is it not my expectations that are insane ...
thing is ... i'm sick of thinking ... i wanna feel for a change ... i feel all the time ... but want it to be good this time!

To all my group members, today i don't have one but two songs for you ... enjoy ...
Sarah McLachlan's song in quite famous so no lyrics here :P
plus the other one has been played more today :)

Enjoy and hope this relates to someone out there ...

Whatcha Gonna Do Lyrics by Sprung Monkey

Lately I've been wonderin' who I am
Because it's coming clear that there's
A world of things
That I don't quite understand
I've always tried to look straight in the eyes
I try to see the man I try to see the plan
I try to know what's on his mind
But I never thought that I'd have to stare at you
No I never thought someone so close
Could be so far from view
Well I guess it's time for me to realize
That trust is just a word
Not something I ever knew
But whatcha gonna do
Cause my dreams leave me cold and empty now
You know I tried so hard to laugh
But I just don't know how
Cause wrapped around the thought of everything
Are the hands of a theif
Who took that trust from me
But whatcha gonna do
Whatcha gonna do
About the things that happen suddenly
About all the things that I could never see
All the times that I've sat and bought the lie
All the times I've laughed and wondered why
I realized I was owned by my defenses
Never took the time never saw my chances
Always thought the people coming round
Was just another person trying to bring me down
But yeah whatcha gonna do

BAD DAY

well today i had one of the worst days ever ... woke up sick at seven in the morning ... vomiting with nothing in my stomach :S ... couldn't sleep again before college at 10 ... a collective section that was totally useless and lasted for 5 whole hours ... and we just had to stay to the very end because of the attendance ... FUCK THIS SYSTEM
Then i'm back ... still feeling like crap physically ... i don't know what the hell it is that i'm catching ... but it's bad ... and it's totally not the time for it especially that i'm starting this job tomorrow ...
i went searching for specific books i need in the evening .. but that can't go well as well ... apart from all the traffic ... my car started overheating ..... and then the dynamo tension belt got cut ... I REALLY NEEDED THIS CRAP!!!!
and to make things work even better .. people are shouting to me on the phone on how i'm late and i should meet them although eeach and every one of them knows how busy i am and how many things i need to accomplish that night ... but no way ... and when i do meet them they act in the most provocative tene7 way ever!!!!! "3arabeety 3atlaana!!!" .... "Tab mateegy ya3ny!!!" ... wlamo2a7'za a7a.
it's like the whole universe and its inhabitants are conspiring to get on my nerves ... i need one of two things: 1- commit mass murder OR 2- a big meaningful hug

bad day mel a7'er
salaam

THROWN AWAY!!! (Brilliant Track!!!)

It's not because i got serious emails dissing me for my last on my music e-list ... it's because i was going insane over this track everytime it plays ... you won't find any sense in my words right now cause it's currently playin in here :)
I tend to get completely absorbed in the music playing ... the better it is ... the more absorbed i get ... and right now i don't wanna do anything but jump around and sing along with this track ... i assure you this one will be on my playlist for years!!!!

Vast ~ Thrown Away

for your copy, subscribe to my e-list ;)

and like all the tacky people do ... here are the lyrics:

Vast - Thrown Away Lyrics

There's a sun, there's a ground under my feet
There is almost nothing in between
Now I'm left like a flag atop a moon
Precious one, you have abandoned me

Oooh, so let me in
Because I'm out
I know that I am someone
No one said I was, no one said I was

Should I call you
Should I reach out?
It feels like chasing shadows in the night
Yeah let me in
Because I'm out
I know that I am someone
No one said I was, no one said I was, no one said I was

Thrown away, have I been thrown away?
Thrown away, have I been thrown away?

There's a sun, there's a ground under my feet
There is alomst nothing in between
Now I'm left like a flag atop a moon
Precious one, you have abandoned me

Oooh, so let me in
Because I'm out
I know that I am someone
No one said I was, no one said I was, no one said I was

Thrown away, have I been thrown away?
Thrown away, have I been thrown away?

I Need a Mood Booster

I reached a state where i don't really care if it's right or wrong (it's not like i'm that perfect anyways) yet the usual methods people go through like hash or alcohol won't really work for me. I'm not that fond of weed, and i hate hangovers and headaches.
I need to be excited, i need to be happy, i need to feel just great, for just one moment and hope that this moment would spread it to those few following it ...

In a state of immense longing for the Blue (again!)

Kov

The Deep Blue

You take a few deep breaths and let them out quickly ... then you take one very deep breath and hold it ... face down and let the fins do their job in getting you as deep as they can ... you adjust your ear and mask pressures so you're now at ease ... you check the depth guage in your hand to see that it finally marks (15 meters) ... YOU MADE IT!!!
you take a few seconds to look around you ... everything is so blue ... calm ... peaceful ... and it sure feels great!
you take another few seconds to look up ... you notice the sun shining as this white blotch, around it blue lines dance with the motion of the water surface, pulling with them the white lines of light to dance around you ... the further you go with your eyes from there, things get bluer and bluer ... till it reaches that perfect shade that fills your eyes, mind and heart with peace. Then you notice "my God this is so far away", and you feel so small in that immense water volume you're in ... so small and insignificant ... yet it's the most exhilarating feeling you've ever had.
Suddenly you start feeling this uneasiness in your chest ... you need air! ... you start swimming up ... the pain in your chest starts increasing more and more as your lungs cry for air.
You finally get there ... you feel the cold air rush into your lungs ... yet you're not that satisfied with it ... you simply felt more alive being down there!

My God i missed that feeling ... I miss the deep blue!

In the memory of one of the best moments i ever had in my whole life
Marsa Breika (Ras Mohamed) ~ Egypt
October 12th 2007 ~ 16:21

Music of the moment: Moby ~ Porcelain

Note To Self

Refrain from receiving help in big matters or issues in life ... try to just carve your way in yourself...
too much close contact with people creates misinterpretations, judgments and expectations that will make you lose more than gain.
Always do things with the best faith and intentions so that in the situation where you're inevitably judged and portrayed as the ultimate asshole, you'll still have that inner belief and faith in yourself, and every step you had taken on your way to back you up.

Song of the edgy morning: Paparoach ~ Getting Away With Murder

Yet Another Question?!

Why does our sincere acts of care or the nice things we do have to fit in the frames set for us, and render meaningless without fitting in them, even if what we do is beyond the limits of those frames???!


7elleheh!

A Blast From the Past

Driving back home yesterday after one of the longest days ever, a line jumped into my head ... after lots of mental effort I finally remembered ... It's from Alanis' 'All I Really Want' !!!! LOONG TIME whew
this song holds a significant value in my heart. I can say it's the first decent track that ever attracted me. In order to understand that a bit more, you need to go a little through my musical history.
I grew up in a very typical Egyptian family, (my dad's not that typical but he wasn't there much before my Mom died, at least not that i remember). So, as any Egyptian family all the music I listened to as a kid was 3afaaf Raady, Latifa, and Hany Shaker, then there was a new star on the rise called Amr Diab :D ... Occasionally there would be some BeeGees playing in my Mom's car stereo but Disco music never attracted me back then.
One day, i was singing with my class in music class (i was 6), and my genius music teacher loved my voice (REAL GENIUS!!!). This love was manifested in my doing a solo performance in the Mothers' Day school celebration ... and in this marvelous celebration, i sang ... e7m ... Hany Shaker's "3ally el De7kaaya" ... e7m again!!! e7m
I also remember a day when a thief broke into our car and stole my Medhat Sale7 tapes in Alexandria ... man i was so angry ... there was no more 'ana 3ayez 3eesh fkawkab tany???!' and yes that's what i thought he was saying at that time ... and it made perfect sense to me back then!!
Then of course by the age of 9 came the amazing Michael Jackson period that every kewl ejybshan kid had to go through ... when you just play cool singing lyrics that don't make sense even in Zulu language, thinking maho he's screaming and getting hickups throughout the whole songs akeed that's his music ... eehe2 adooba aah turns out to be 'it ain't too much stuff' three years later (for reference check out Michael's track 'JAM'. (also thought to mean Marabba at the time).
Moving on ... there was this period, my dad's car broke down and a generous friend of his lent him his awesome Land Rover Discovery with a CD player, (ayyaam mal CD's kanet e7'teraa3) ... playing around with the buttons i played and then came this track with this woman sounding really insane, rebellious ... and for the first time maybe in my whole life, i could actually interpret the lyrics ... and i loved them ... i loved the music ... i loved everything ... eh el 7'ara elly ana basma3o tool 3omry da???!! and then came the following track ,,, and the one after ... and the one after ... i was hooked ... and i can say that now, 11 years later, this album is playing as i write this ... i'm never bored of it... "Jagged Little Pill" ~ Alanis Morissette and it's first track "All I Really Want"
and this was my intro to real music ... ofcourse i had my usual metallica periods as well, pink floyd shortly after, and now i'm where i am ... i don't care about the genre as long as there is some good music that people put effort in (more effort than a few mouse clicks on a pc) ... although i like some electronic stuff but those have to be seriously wicked!!!

So here's to you all ... and here's to music ... and here's to Alanis ... and the song of today is
Alanis Morissette ~ All I Really Want

Friday Morning

Woke up early for breakfast plans ... but it didn't work out (needn't explain why :P) but an hour later i got a call from some friends saying they're going for some breakfast ... so i thanked God my morning didn't go to waste ... it was nice ... it just feels awkward how life circumstances change, how the lives of us humans evolve and pushes us away from our friends, back and forth ... makes one wonder, will i know everyone i know ten years from now? even my closest of friends??! and i still wonder
mood wise, i feel mellow today ... and so is my song for this morning ... it's called Coffee and Cigarettes by Michelle Featherstone.
Enjoy your morning :)
Kov

Long Day

So today i had another hectic day, i skipped college to conduct this pool training for a new diving student we have. It all went well, the guy was doing great and we finished in a record of three and a half hours. Then i had to drive all the way to Maadi and back to return the tanks.
After i got home i felt terribly weak... and dozed off immediately! woke up at two in the morning cursing my freaking bioclock just to discover the following:
I'm a freaking lazyass couch-potato that hardly ever exercises, and this week i've been working out like every other day, and did two pool trainings already ... I have to collapse!
anyways, i'm trying to figure out a way to stay awake or sleep and wake up in time for college ... orelse it will turn into the usual ... skip college and do nothing (did i mention i was such a lazyass couch-potato?).

On other grounds, i've been facing some technical difficulties on my music list, google groups didn't send any invitations to people with email domains other than gmail, and yahoogroups doesn't want to attach the songs cause they're too big, i downloaded cooledit and sized it down but again it won't attach it ... thank god yousendit.com is there, cause now i can upload it there and share the link.
Thanks for the first (and only so far) two who subscribed, sou and aya, you two are more than enough to get me going :)

Music Blogging

Somehow i'm still not feeling satisfied with the blogging experience ... i can never get myself to write what i feel ... it never totally describes it or makes me feel like i let it out... I'm thinking of another way to share what i feel with the world.
Somehow however i feel there's a track playing that totally relates to it ... most of the day that track find its way to my Song of the Day list (if anyone checks that). So here's what i'll do.
I'll make a mailing list and have all those who're interested join, and i'll send those subscribers the song of the day once it's out.
for those interested please comment on this post along with your contacts so i could add you to the list.

Question

A question to all those who complain how life is unfair, people are morons and to those that feel that everyone is doing them wrong and that every single human being is a bastard and an asshole:
what would you do if you recalculate things and find yourself guilty of the exact same thing?!

New Revelation??

Well ... it might not actually be that new afterall:
from thoughts and various incidents and situations that took place last week, i can finally say that maybe i don't really know my self that well ...
all i can say is i wish i were more strong and less lost, stupid and passive


Currently playing track Karim Naguib ~ Hayaah Men 3'eer Malaame7
really great track btw you should check it out

SAPPY SAPPY

without further delay ... the song of the day :D

Jimmy Eat World ~ 23

KORNIMANIA

TODAY i woke up feeling extremely angry for no reason ... actually it's been on me since last night ... and i'm in my usual status of wither not knowing or now wanting to know what it is that's making me feel that way ... denial is such a ... second thought, i don't know if it's good or bad ^O)
anywayz today's song recommendation has to be heard at maximum possible volume, and preferably with you singing along .... don't be afraid to get a little crazy in the process :)

KORN ~ RIGHT NOW !!!!

Alone I Break

I was reminded by this pure masterpiece by one of my friends' nickname ... this song is absolutely awesome ... it's so me ... especially in this period of my life... no matter how much i write when i'm down i can never express it that way.
KORN ~ ALONE I BREAK it's a must get ... THANK YOU RANA!!!!

KORN LYRICS

"Alone I Break"

Pick me up
been bleeding too long
Right here, right now
I'll stop it some how

I will make it go away
can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
these feelings will be gone
these feelings will be gone

Now I see the times they change
leaving doesn't seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
where to leave my hurt behind
All this shit I seem to take
all alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?

Shut me off
I am ready,
Heart stops
I stand alone
Can't be on my own

I will make it go away
can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
these feelings will be gone
these feelings will be gone

Now I see the times they change
leaving doesn't seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
where to leave my hurt behind
All this shit I seem to take
all alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?

Am I going to leave this place?
What is it I'm running from?
is there nothing more to come? (am I Gunna leave this place?)
Is it always black in space?
Am I going to take it's place?
Am I going to leave this race? (Am I going to leave this race?)
I guess god's up in this place?
what is it that I've become?
is there something more to come? (more to come)

Now I see the times they change
leaving doesn't seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
where to leave my hurt behind
All this shit I seem to take
all alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man? [x2]

SHIT!!! did i never mention GODSMACK's 'Whatever'?

Back from My Head

Sometimes you don't realize the value of something you had until you lose it ... for me, i didn't realize how much i needed something until i finally got it ... A WEEK-LONG DIVING VACATION OUTSIDE CAIRO!!!!!
Technically it wasn't that much of a vacation as i was working all the time, but still i enjoyed it BIGTIME!!! 17 open water students, 7 intros ... yeehaaaa!!!! there's nothing like the sea to cure me, stepping in the water at 8am and out of it at 6 ...
i can't believe how tanned my face is, and can't believe i reached 15 metres free diving (just mask and fins) ...
the sea life was great, sting rays are amazing, napoleons .... everything ... and i didn't need to exceed 20 metres.
mel a7'er i'm glad and i'm happy and i wanna do it again ...
FUCK YOU CAIRO LIFESTYLE!!!! :D

song of the day: System of a Down ~ Chop Suey

Song of Today

Today's song by all means is Travis' "ReOffender"
For those who don't have it ... it's a must get

Here are the lyrics too:

Travis ~ Re-Offender

Keeping up appearances

Keeping up with the Jones'

Fooling my selfish heart

Going through the motions



But I'm fooling myself

I'm fooling myself

Cause you say you love me

And then you do it again, you do it again

You say your sorry's

And then you do it again, you do it again



Everybody thinks you're well

Everybody thinks I'm ill

Watching me fall apart

Falling under your spell



But you're fooling yourself

You're fooling yourself

Cause you say you love me

And then you do it again, you do it again

You say your sorry's

And then you do it again, you do it again

And again and again and again and again



But you're fooling yourself

You're fooling yourself

Cause you say you love me

And then you do it again, you do it again

You say your sorry's

And then you do it again, you do it again

You say you love me

And then you do it again, you do it again

You say your sorry's

And then you do it again, you do it again

And again and again and again and again

Change of direction

Suddenly i'm sick of talking/writing about all that crap ... the crap's there all the time and all i can do is decide i'll stop it and talk about it .. but do i?
well i decided i'll stop blogging about the crap ... if i'll let it out i'll let it out to more trustable sources at least for a while till i change my mind. as for now ... my blog's only for musical suggestions and here's the first one:

i don't know what's with songs from albums i hate but this one is ... it's Metallica's Frantic from their latest shitty album. Enshoy

Mal3ooba Ya Donya!

Yesterday I had a kinda long conversation with one of the oldest dearest people to me ... another great person to be added to the list of those i lost out of being stupid or unsure or confused or just lost in figuring life out.
This conversation pushed back a very old thought in my head. There's nothing you can do in this life that has no effect on someone else, no matter how hard you try, especially if you are in a relationship with that person. As a matter of fact, being in a relationship kinda makes it worse. I mean Yes, sure there are ALOT of up sides to a relationship and love and all that but it's obviously about much more than that. Everything doesn't only have to just fit, but it also needs to synchronize time-wise. And that's exactly what i can blame all my relationship failures upon... Timing.

The first one ever's timing fault was that it was too soon before our actual personalities in facing life were formed. By the time we grew up i realized maybe we're not matching on any other level than feelings. I don't mean anything bad at all (au contraire) this person is one of THE greatest, most respectable, and beautiful soles i've ever met in my whole life, if not THE. I just panicked on how my life would turn if i stayed with that person for good ... it would be a good life but not the life i've always pictures for me.

And then it was what I still believe is the biggest piece of irony in my life. After my first relationship was through, i set off to find a person who can live life the way i've pictures for myself ... someone that's compatible with all my interests and things i enjoy. It wasn't that long before i did find that person. I was completely rejected for a long while but fought a hell lot for it until finally i was there ... in my second relationship. After years of just not feeling the constant struggle i was in was right, i discovered it. I was rejected for that long and am not really enjoying this the way i pictured myself to be because of one simple detail. Yes this person likes the same things i like, and enjoys the same things i enjoy ... she just enjoys to do them alone!
so after being in a relationship that's all about feelings and no practicalities ... i find myself in a relationship of practicalities and not that much feelings ... mal3ooba mennik ya donia wallahy!

The there was the shortest and to me the most mysterious of all of them ... but for this one i don't have as much conclusions as I have for all my other relationship experiences. It started off very shortly after a breakup i had, and was going great ... apart from the fact that i was totally emotionally and mentally unstable at the time ... The person with me was witnessing the whole ordeal from the very beginning but somehow this relationship started at this timing and went in that same way ... and then ended because i was apparently not giving it my all...
Questions are: Was i rebounding or was i still shook up that i couldn't give my all in a relationship till I know exactly if it'll really work out?
Was i the unsure person or was it her? If I was blindfolded by everything I was through, wasn't she witnessing it all as well, especially that she was more experienced in the matter of feelings than i was?
I seriously can never find any answer to any of those questions no matter how long i think ... i can never lay my hand on what exactly was wrong. especially that again the person was really undeniably great.

As a matter of fact i consider myself lucky to be blessed with such great people, but it's always something wrong at the time that makes me lose them over and again. things that if were waited upon for just a little while would be all set and would make everything work. I can't recall the amount of further stages in my life when i was looking back and thinking how this relationship would've worked if it had come now and not at that previous time ... it's obvious that i get rid of my complexities later than i should ... or maybe my life is just lagging a year behind anyone else's ... the problem is getting them to rhyme together ... that's something i was never able to do. mal3ooba fe3lan ya donya!

A Bad Thought

One bad thing about being into photography is always being given the camera to shoot your friends in occasions ... hence when looking back on the memories you never find yourself in the picture!

Photo Wedgey :D

That's what they call it on trekearth wallahy i'm innocent :D
i finally managed to install it on my blog :D unfortunately it takes photos from themes only so you'll only find the tannoura collection ... but i'm happy ... and i love my collection :D

good day ... i think

ok .. i take it back

So, what i expected did happen, and this phase all started... The problem is, i'm not really enjoying it as i expected. I guess i couldn't be the mean by nature after all.
I am feeling better thanks God, though my days are nothing but productive. I oversleep everyday and eventually miss college, as everything else that could be missed thanks to Ramadan's excellent schedule.
Another good thing is, i started working again :) ... a very small temporary job that won't even last a month but as they say in Egypt .. yalla aho mas7 zoor... so it takes some stress off ...
another good side effect of it is i think i'm becoming really good at teaching ... i might actually consider it for a carreer :D

yalla i'll c u all later

Backstabbing tricks

Ever acted so much against what you really wanted that it ended up stabbing you in the back? Ever played hard to get? Ever rejected something you wanted so much and ended up losing it because of that?
It's funny how a lie always come back to bite you in the ass. And it's funny when you're in the shoes to laugh at it. It's just stupid how a person can do the SAME mistake over and over and over ... It's also stupid how some have a pattern to repeat on that matter and then after each single one of them all they do is say "I'm sorry". Finally, it's funny there's always a reason for it all, and it's the same useless reason of all the previous times.
All i can do now is sit and wait. My time will come, and GOD I'm gonna enjoy this.

Song of the Day, Week, Month and even Lifetime ... The one that REALLY carved itself on my favorites list... isn't but the same one as yesterday's
Our Lady Peace ~ Wipe That Smile Off Your Face

Another Day Has Passed

I'm trying to keep this daily as much as i can ... helps me train on organizing my thoughts... Sometimes i read other people's blogs and envy them for how they write, i wish i could write that way... but then again, i'm only here to vent bad thoughts and shit in my life when there's nowhere else to go.
Today wasn't that bad though, I woke up real late to do anything, i went for Iftar at my uncle's and then out a bit with my cousins. Later i took ka3boora for a quick checkup in order to determine my upcoming steps ka3boora time (ka3boora's my beloved ' 90 VW convertible for which i allocate regular time and money for fixing). I was accompanied by Wessam, my great friend whom i don't give the deserved credit most of the time ... so i take the chance to thank him for being there.
Emotionally now, my day was quite turbulent, i'm still bombarding my self with a zillion questions for which i can't find one answer that doesn't drive resentment into my heart... I'm still feeling bitter ... and despite all that, i believe i'm going about the right way ... and that sooner or later i will feel better. I also believe that life will prove its fairness to me sooner or later...
What goes around comes around ... one person always used to tell me that ... it's funny how i'm waiting for it to come around to them now :D

anywayz ... I would like to recommend yet another song to anyone reading this ... the song's called "Wipe that smile off your face" and it's played by one of my favorite bands of all time, Our Lady Peace

ENERGY OUT

Tonight i feel much better ... calmer ... less bitter. Although I still am not forgiving anything ... and don't think i will in a long time.
I owe my great feeling to Wessam, Ghaleb, and Rage Against the Machine.

Wessam: you might not believe it bass finding something wrong DID make me feel more satisfied and comfortable about everything ... although I still bardo cannot forgive all the illusions made.

Ghaleb: Thanks for bringing up that jam thing ... i needed to let out all this Energy

Rage: well ... it was you i was imitating :)

Now for the story. I went today to a jam and for the first time i was vocaling! I sang only one song but my GOD my throat still hurts :D ... The song's "Killing in The Name" by Rage Against the Machine. and who knows, we might actually take it further into being a real project :D

Anyways, i'm glad it did have a great effect on me ... hope i do this again sometime

I know ... I'm convinced ... i've learnt ... i wish

yesterday i had a conversation i didn't want to have. I mean God i was doing i can all day so as not to think or talk about this. But i did anywayz. but i was lucky to have it with a good friend of mine. But i guess that wasn't the only thing i was lucky for.
The outcome of this conversation, to me, was just being more convinced with my life, and what i've learnt over the past period more convinced of how i want things to be. More convinced of how i was wrong to make the mistakes i made, and that i should learn from them. It got me convinced that next time it should take me less than 4 years to deduce that something/someone is just not worth it. That i should not compromise for the sake of people that are selfish and not worthy of my sacrifice. I also learned that no matter what you do, some people might not ever change. Even if they are the shittiest of characters having the brightest of soles... even if they know they're wrong and know what's right... logic of wrong and right is not what makes this world go round, and some people are just too fucked up in their heads to go by it that they prefer to stay in their shitholes for life... and most of all ... i learned and i wish that i would NEVER be such a person.
Last but not least, i learned that everyone does get what they deserve in some twisted way or the other. Karma does exist, and sometimes it works its magic without you noticing or linking stuff together, it can hurt you in totally unrelated issues than the one you were wrong at ... I sincerely wish for this to go on ... in more twisted ways maybe.

Yet another day... yet another day ...

Why on earth do i spend more time thinking of a title for this thing than that spent in writing it. If i would grade myself on the first day of my new resolution i would say give myself a 7. Not such a bad start is it?? i guess the shock phase is wearing off and it's time for the real thing ... that's about the time i start cracking ... i would give the old me just a couple of days, i just hope this goes differently.
I'm already into the third season of One Tree Hill. I don't know why i absolutely love this series, whether the show itself or the soundtrack, or how they both go together. I already downloaded and watched the first two seasons and currently in the third episode of the third.
and now i don't know what else i could say ... i just feel weird ...
In such weird time, there's always a song to cheer me up:
Song of Today: Citizen Cope ~ Son's Gonna Rise

The Essential Crumbling

How do i start this?
well ... someone i know always tells me this country has to all burn down and be rebuilt 3ala nadaaffa. The first time i heard this it felt kind of weird, "why does it have to burn all the way down to be rebuilt? can't you just fix it the way it is without destroying it? and he would say NO. When things are so fucked up beyond a certain level, it's easier to just build a new one than fix it ... it's like crashing a car so bad it's beyond repair.
These days made me the most i can ever be convinced with this idea... but just not about my country, but about my life as a whole. For now i can say, i have reached rock bottom!
I'm jobless, i'm broke, i can't organize my time, i discovered that the person i loved the most in this world can do nothing but fuck me over, in short ... there's not an aspect of my life that's close to being good... really, i can't ever recall my being more pressured or feeling worse in my whole life.
but then again, i guess it's a chance to start over and turn the whole thing around ... act the way you should and make all you can out of it. you meen?? ana me. somehow that needs me to change half my habits and attitude ... but then again i went to a play all by myself today and had a blast ... who could've imagined that??!! as trivial as it is, it's a good start... i do believe so.
God help me ... help me be a better person and be closer to you ... as i admit this is one of the hardest things for me to maintain... and i'm sorry.

p.s. a person i had a bad fallout with once da3et 3alayya da3wa for me to get what i deserve ... is that it?? having my whole life crumble down that way??
despite my not being convinced with the particular wrong doing leading to this da3wa, i guess maybe it is ... and afterall, this would also mean that i deserve to turn it back around.
in all cases whether i'm convinced with this particular thing or not .. i'm sorry ... i sort of know now exactly what it feels like ... i sincerely am.

OK ... More than one line

I stare at the screen, still unable to sleep, wondering when i'll ever be ... all i can see on the screen is a green dot ... one green dot, a dot that's sentencing my brain back to it's misery.
It's the first time i can call it misery of the brain and not just the heart, because it just doesn't make sense. There's not a single thing i can't address a 'How' question to ... and it just sucks.
The only conclusion i can reach is that I've been living a lie. One ... Big ... Fat ... Lie. and it was like the hundredth time i live it ... the same ... exact ... lie.
The ironic thing is that in every move you make trying to prove yourself not to be a liar, you just prove it again ... and again ... and again... when will this ever stop?? Everything you say doesn't add up, everything you do doesn't make sense, and when both things come together, i realize how used i am.
You do someone wrong, then you blame it on them. They prove you wrong and you apologize. You try to justify but it's of no sense or conviction. Then you act all convinced and pretend to sincerely apologize. Just to cancel those apologies by going through the whole series of justifications that always include table turning and accusations. And you end up having the same discussion of the night before with the same conclusions and ending by the same fake apologies. but this time you add a bit of acting hurt into it ... i wonder what will happen tomorrow.
Then i wonder why. Is it that you love hurting me that much? Is it that you love doing it in the same exact particular way? Is it that you love proving to me that i'm just a toy or ornament that only serves to your self satisfaction and fulfillment? if this doesn't make sense then why the hell does it always happen in the same way over and over and over again?? I'm dying for one that's different. I actually wish i could feel another bad feeling that would break my heart, just please let it be a different one this time.
How come your making up has to include an accusation? How come you'd always rather throw a justification/accusation that you later describe yourself as meaningless? How come is it that when you totally fuck me over and I'm hurt, the only thing you can do is ignore it and focus only on yourself? How come is it that you'd rather give up when the consequences of what you do get so bad than ever fight for me?
Is that even considered as making up? are you actually trying to make it up or are you just patching up your little puppet that you tore just to go around tearing it over all again from the very beginning?
The funny thing is I always forgive, and would've forgotten if I didn't have to be reminded by the same thing happening to me again ever so soon. and once again from you.
I guess i had started to turn into that ornament whose sole purpose is to make you feel better by possessing it. But i guess my heart's not cut out for this any more ... I'd rather refer to myself as a "HE" rather than an "It".
And for all that i should believe it when you say you love me?
No, for all that, i should hate you ... but i don't.
Thank you, and may you get what you deserve. as nothing i can do can cure this scar you left any more.
The one whose heart you broke ... again ... and again ... and again ... and again .... more than you could ever count.

ONE LINE

I wish I could really forgive and forget ... it's that every time I do that, it's followed by regret

actually i dont really wanna blog ... cause i can't get all this shit in order in my head... but a great deal of it is i'm tired of it always being there ... and always feeling that way ... at least lately ...
nothing pleases me ... and i can't please anyone that much either ... even it is then ...

FUCK THAT

Well I am warning this is going to be totally meaningless and gloomy ... I FEEL Like crap again...
This summer's been the shittiest ever ... people are developing that fakeness and stupidity syndrome somehow and it's just going worse...
they pretend to help you by passing out jobs and all that and if u look into them they're all beyond the deadlines ... all is just working to preserve that whole fake image they want of themselves in other people's eyes ... FUCK THAT!!!!
i can't stand the pressure of everything ... people ... money ... the future ... me ... why can't anything just switch off ... and the simplest most hurtful thing is that it would all be ok if anyone was actually sincere and serious instead of giving you that smile and affirmation and disappearing right after they fuck you over ... and once again i say ... FUCK THAT!!!
just give it up people, we all feel we're different. we all feel that we can't be like all those other people out there, but in the end, we all turn into those all typical Egyptian bums who usually turn into complete assholes in adult stages in their lives ... right now ... i can say it ... i am one... and i'm starting to be OK with it... FUCK IT ALL!!! and maybe you too

Wheels keep on Spinning round

Well ... i'm writing here so it's not good right? at least most pro'lly it ain't
my summer is still the worst ever outcome-wise. I'm flat broke, my car needs repair, I'm single, again, and now the person I'm apparently having the most fun being around is leaving the country for a year... hayel ...
My battles with myself are still going on and apparently i'm still losing. So i'm not really that successful at saying NO. I miss my ex everyday but i just can't deal that much without finding myself drawn into her all over again and it just won't work out ... i'll be making the same mistakes all over again. You're going to say that's a "NO" but then again i had failed for a few days and restarted it yesterday ...
The thing that's making my time more enjoyable is actually cake. Those guys' music is really lifting my spirit, which reminds me ... i need to go give drums another shot by the end of the week ...

Did i Mention that i SHAVED??!!!
after two years of abandoning the scissors i finally cut my hair ... so now i went from ponytail guy to the same old kido ... yalla mesh eshkaal :)

Happy birthday to my sis and dad ... and Noura, i'm gonna miss you like hell ... take care of you over there dear!

NO?

I've been thinking lately, mainly about my life and how i'm getting by... about my problems (mainly with my own self) ... and it hit me, as always, that my greatest of problems is that i can't restrain myself or force myself into sticking to something... I just suck at being that person who would just do the right thing despite all the pressure ... i admit it now and forever ... i usually take the easy way out of things...
This led me to another imagination ... how would life be if you don't have to go any difficulties between you and yourself to force yourself into something you should do yet you don't want to? how would life be if you don't feel that urge to get back to whatever wrong thing it is that you're supposed to be quitting?? imagine if an addict could quit just like that, if you decide your long lasting relationship is not working out and you have to end it and you can just do that without feeling the urge to get back cause you still love the person ... just imagine if it were just so easy to tell yourself "NO!"
how would life be?

i'm confused ... i'm taking the turn ... i'm confident ... i'm afraid ... i'm broken ... and this is getting very difficult ...

i need a big hug

Prayer Thoughts

I was sitting in the Friday prayer today and at the end of the preach, something caught my attention.
"Allahoma Erfa3 Maktaka w 3'adabaka 3anna" ... it's a very nice doaa' but why is God to accept it without us proving ourselves worthy of it? why would God not be angry at a nation that's disrespecting him in most of what they do?
"Wala tosallet 3alayna bezonoobena man la ya7'aafoka wala yar7amona" ... aren't we already there?? shouldn't be like "er7amna men allathy sallattaho 3alayna bezonoobena"??

i dunno this thought has been just after me since then

Another Blah

i think there was a movie called 'a series of unfortunate events' at some point in life... that title totally suits my summer so far ... the worst summer ever maybe???
i lost every job opportunity i had so far, i can't function in the task at hand now either... i just have to get myself out of the mindset that it's for my dad and it'll work fine i guess ...
someone managed to break me for the zillionth time ... and still i never learn ... so i'm feeling like crap on both emotional and professional levels

To be honest, it hasn't all been bad. I just came back from a really nice diving trip to the south of the Red Sea, and i never imagined we would go that South :D ... i sneaked a peak into the GPS and found myself in Sudanese waters ... the diving was cool and i chilled bigtime .. all i did was sleep ... dive ... and sleep ... and eat :D couldn't get any better... can i live like this for good?

i need to get busy in something cause i certainly can't just sit there in this void without finding myself forced to think ... why can't it all just fade away ... cause i certainly gave up on the thing i've been doing for years... it's just not working any more :( ... i've got ADD again :D (thank you monmon)

did i mention i have a pony tail and a yellow bathing suit?? :D

song of the moment: Littlest things ~ Lily Allen

Where I've Been :)

I've been contemplating the map of Egypt calculating where i've been then it hit me ... why don't i shade them?? somehow i just feel that it's not a lot that i've seen ... i need to see more of this beautiful country... next stop ... i don't know but let it be somewhere new

LOL

sne3t el masal da fel nick beta3 7add 3al list beta3et el msn we mesh 2ader amsek nafsy mel de7k men sa3et-ha

3ABBAR EL 3EFESH ... YETNEFESH!!!!!!


LOOOL

could it be?

could it be that i'm just needing this and you are the shortest pathway leading to it so that's why i'm holding on? could it be that i'm just subconsciously following my desires? Could that be why i'm being forceful? am i forceful? could it be that it would never be fulfilled with you? could i do it without you? could it be that i've become an addict to a certain sensation? could it be that i'm addicted to you? could it be that you're not the one? could it be anyone? could i just be free from all this? could i live without thinking about this once at least every hour? could we be just friends? could we live happily ever after? could we do that together? could it be useless?
COULD IT BE THAT I'M GOING INSANE???!!!

Question?!

What happens if you find someone who has everything you want in a girl/guy ... yet gives you nothing of anything you would want from a girl/guy?!

Alanis should have thought about that while writing 'ironic'

Song of the week without any competition is Massive Attack's "Unfinished Sympathy"

So my bioclock is totally fucked thanks to my having to wake up all night studying before the testing exam. i'm awake by night and sleeping by late afternoon. i'm trying to study that microprocessor thing we're being examined in by sunday but somehow it just feels so much like studying history. Nothing except dates and new stuff included in the freaking things ... why the fuck am i supposed to study the history ... may2ololna koll 7aaga lazet-ha eih w 7'alaas w nel3ab e7na ba2a ... i spent two hours reading about this one processor just to know at the end that its design proved to be useless and had to be replaced ... ARE THEY FUCKING KIDDING ME???!!!!
rabbena yostor begadd...
the wonder period is still in session, but now i'm wondering about all people i know/knew/am acquainted with. pretty insane and useless maybe. i spent hours reviewing my contacts on msn, my God why do i have that long list of people i don't even talk to most of the time?? and the weird thing is, i still didn't get myself to unblock or delete most of them. (i forgot to tell you, most of my list but a few has been blocked for a while)... mesh tanaaka bass seriously i needed to just ... stay in a smaller circle for a while.
I'm still wondering when the hell i'm gonna be more organized in my thoughts, when will i feel that a post of mine on this blog ever makes sense (no wonder i'm not getting any comments) ...
anywayz me back to MP
blurb is out

ROBB SODFA!

well ... i just stumbled over something by coincidence a few minutes ago that made me go too nostalgic (again?!) ... but well, a minute later that nostalgia was accompanied and actually overwhelmed by total wonder and curiosity. Why do all things that you might want just happen at the totally wrong time? such a time in which you can never notice them or appreciate them in. Sometimes you're hasty, sometimes it's others that are guilty of this haste but then again ... it's just wrong timing, and in my case, i've been always carries the blame for both hastes, mine and other people's.
In this particular piece of memory, it was something initiated by someone else's haste, and ended by mine ... and i'm now blamed for both ... the point is, i don't care about any of that anymore (because i shouldn't judging by the way things are) but i'm saddened by two thing. One: the hasty initiator refusing to carry any blame for it, Two: the uncertainty of mine that never leaves me. This uncertainty was the thing that made me abandon this project ...
was i going with the flow? i'd hate it if that were true ... but why did it have to all go that way? what if it went differently? what if it happened a bit later? what if i was more certain? what if the door wasn't shut that fast and that abruptly? what does it mean that i just ignored the whole thing all of a sudden? why do i think about it that often? why is it that whenever i decide to go somewhere i have to hesitate and go back so as to just hesitate and return to the first place again and so on and on and on? Will i ever stop?? was it me in the first place? why am i not comfortable in any of the places there are? what if i was still there right now? why is it that i just can't stop asking these questions and wonder? get it?
i myself still don't
AARGH i just wish i had a time controller ...
one last question: why is trial and error only applicable in maths? why isn't it that applicable with life or living beings? don't u think it would've been nice?
anyways, i'm feeling like crap now.

Current music: Nine Inch Nails ~ Only

p.s. thanks Dalia for this song i owe you bigtime

Shamma3aatik ya hollanda

this has nothing to do with the real holland but it's an expression we use when we're surprised about anything here. I love it when people do stuff and ask for stuff, and when they get it or they're done the same they get really pissed. and i love it when people go around and eventually a decade later blame wutever shit they're in on you. and ofcourse you wouldn't dare go near that perspective because it's nonsense unless it's theirs ... good luck!!!!
i wonder if that's gonna be the last time or am i gonna be stupid enough to endure more?

Code Of Ethics (an interesting response i got)

I received this response on my email from Kristen, a researcher on education and its effects on Egyptian identity, it had some interesting points so i thought sharing it would be beneficial. It actually shows me how much work we need to do to order to rectify the image of our system. I replied but in a very unorganized manner, will put it in order and post it later :)

Hey there,
So I didn't post this because it is long and complex, but feel free if you want to discuss it with your friends. I had a few questions about your position. I mean, you do admit the one thing about religion that drives secularists, and therefore many Westerners, crazy and that is the contradiction religion presents its followers with. Judaism, Christianity and Islam all are guilty of being contradictory about being both tolerant of other religions and yet condemning them at the same time. Yes, you are supposed to respect people of other religions, but if you don't believe that they are practicing God's command correctly, you are creating an "us" versus "them" mentality, you are saying to some extent that you are better than them... no? This is in itself, at least it would seem to me, a contradiction that is impossible to reconcile. Therefore, some people of course are going to follow the former more fervently and truly tolerate others, truly believe that those others have just as much a chance of going to heaven as themselves even if they don't follow the same religion. But there will also be those who follow the latter more and who conclude that their religion's followers are the only ones who will be saved on Judgment Day, who believe themselves to be better than others simply because they follow God's "correct" path (this can be a Jew, a Christian, or a Muslim). Finally, what about the people who don't believe in religion or in God at all? Are they just damned straight off the bat or is there also tolerance for them?

I want to explain real quick the idea of Western Liberalism. It is the idea that people should be tolerant of other people's views, religions, ways of life and that the state should not impose anything on its people to limit this in any way. It creates a core, definite code of ethics from the religions of Judaism, Christianity and Islam to base its laws on and keep order in the society. But anything that can be deemed personal choice is a private matter that the state is not supposed to intervene into. I will be the first to admit that this theory, like religions, does not play out perfectly in practice. But I do argue that it provides a much more solid basis than religion for toleration of the views and lifestyles of others because there is no way to interpret it as otherwise. What do you think?

Finally, you really think that Egyptian religious education has no impact whatsoever on the development of Egyptian minds? I hear people say all the time they just forgot it all, but then they strongly remember their specific religious teacher who taught them this and that or they realize that they pray the same exact way they were taught in school, etc. Are you saying that the Egyptian religious education system is not based on the religions it says it is or that it does not, at least, reinforce what you learn in other places (home or the mosque)??

Hope all is well,
Kristen

oh and i forgot .. i've been playing around with the camera and a magnifying glass i bought off the street the other day taking some seriously funny self-portraits :D check this out

PLEASE!!!

I'm in exams... next exam is the usual easy subject that noone studies ... and that's exactly what i'm doing... NOT studying.
i'm feeling a bit bummed up that i didn't here from the Sinai job people yet, which is not good ... specially that there're other job opportunities that i'm ignoring on hopes of getting this one ... and i fear that if i apply for those and get the Sinai one, then i'll have to ditch them for it (NOT GOOD) and then if i don't and don't get the Sinai as well then i'd be hanging out to dry :S ... very confusing.
i did a little 7araka 7'abeesa today sending out emails from my unused yahoo account to everyone on my mailing list saying that i'm changing addrsses to my gmail and guess who's on the list of recipients, of course, my Sinai Job contact ... lol ... i really have lots of childish tendencies :D
i'm not feeling bad at all ... maybe i've become too numb out of the past period, i'm just bothered my sleeping habits are the shittiest ever... today i woke up at 4pm!!! it just sucks. i just hope things don't turn out to be coming back into the same old routine ... and i just discovered how unorganized this paragraph is since there ain't more than two sentences talking about a certain subject on its own ... i'm leaving it that way anyhow. ...
i'm tired and i'm happy ... had a two hour long bath today :) ...
song of the moment: Staind ~ Please