Yesterday I had a kinda long conversation with one of the oldest dearest people to me ... another great person to be added to the list of those i lost out of being stupid or unsure or confused or just lost in figuring life out.
This conversation pushed back a very old thought in my head. There's nothing you can do in this life that has no effect on someone else, no matter how hard you try, especially if you are in a relationship with that person. As a matter of fact, being in a relationship kinda makes it worse. I mean Yes, sure there are ALOT of up sides to a relationship and love and all that but it's obviously about much more than that. Everything doesn't only have to just fit, but it also needs to synchronize time-wise. And that's exactly what i can blame all my relationship failures upon... Timing.
The first one ever's timing fault was that it was too soon before our actual personalities in facing life were formed. By the time we grew up i realized maybe we're not matching on any other level than feelings. I don't mean anything bad at all (au contraire) this person is one of THE greatest, most respectable, and beautiful soles i've ever met in my whole life, if not THE. I just panicked on how my life would turn if i stayed with that person for good ... it would be a good life but not the life i've always pictures for me.
And then it was what I still believe is the biggest piece of irony in my life. After my first relationship was through, i set off to find a person who can live life the way i've pictures for myself ... someone that's compatible with all my interests and things i enjoy. It wasn't that long before i did find that person. I was completely rejected for a long while but fought a hell lot for it until finally i was there ... in my second relationship. After years of just not feeling the constant struggle i was in was right, i discovered it. I was rejected for that long and am not really enjoying this the way i pictured myself to be because of one simple detail. Yes this person likes the same things i like, and enjoys the same things i enjoy ... she just enjoys to do them alone!
so after being in a relationship that's all about feelings and no practicalities ... i find myself in a relationship of practicalities and not that much feelings ... mal3ooba mennik ya donia wallahy!
The there was the shortest and to me the most mysterious of all of them ... but for this one i don't have as much conclusions as I have for all my other relationship experiences. It started off very shortly after a breakup i had, and was going great ... apart from the fact that i was totally emotionally and mentally unstable at the time ... The person with me was witnessing the whole ordeal from the very beginning but somehow this relationship started at this timing and went in that same way ... and then ended because i was apparently not giving it my all...
Questions are: Was i rebounding or was i still shook up that i couldn't give my all in a relationship till I know exactly if it'll really work out?
Was i the unsure person or was it her? If I was blindfolded by everything I was through, wasn't she witnessing it all as well, especially that she was more experienced in the matter of feelings than i was?
I seriously can never find any answer to any of those questions no matter how long i think ... i can never lay my hand on what exactly was wrong. especially that again the person was really undeniably great.
As a matter of fact i consider myself lucky to be blessed with such great people, but it's always something wrong at the time that makes me lose them over and again. things that if were waited upon for just a little while would be all set and would make everything work. I can't recall the amount of further stages in my life when i was looking back and thinking how this relationship would've worked if it had come now and not at that previous time ... it's obvious that i get rid of my complexities later than i should ... or maybe my life is just lagging a year behind anyone else's ... the problem is getting them to rhyme together ... that's something i was never able to do. mal3ooba fe3lan ya donya!