I stare at the screen, still unable to sleep, wondering when i'll ever be ... all i can see on the screen is a green dot ... one green dot, a dot that's sentencing my brain back to it's misery.
It's the first time i can call it misery of the brain and not just the heart, because it just doesn't make sense. There's not a single thing i can't address a 'How' question to ... and it just sucks.
The only conclusion i can reach is that I've been living a lie. One ... Big ... Fat ... Lie. and it was like the hundredth time i live it ... the same ... exact ... lie.
The ironic thing is that in every move you make trying to prove yourself not to be a liar, you just prove it again ... and again ... and again... when will this ever stop?? Everything you say doesn't add up, everything you do doesn't make sense, and when both things come together, i realize how used i am.
You do someone wrong, then you blame it on them. They prove you wrong and you apologize. You try to justify but it's of no sense or conviction. Then you act all convinced and pretend to sincerely apologize. Just to cancel those apologies by going through the whole series of justifications that always include table turning and accusations. And you end up having the same discussion of the night before with the same conclusions and ending by the same fake apologies. but this time you add a bit of acting hurt into it ... i wonder what will happen tomorrow.
Then i wonder why. Is it that you love hurting me that much? Is it that you love doing it in the same exact particular way? Is it that you love proving to me that i'm just a toy or ornament that only serves to your self satisfaction and fulfillment? if this doesn't make sense then why the hell does it always happen in the same way over and over and over again?? I'm dying for one that's different. I actually wish i could feel another bad feeling that would break my heart, just please let it be a different one this time.
How come your making up has to include an accusation? How come you'd always rather throw a justification/accusation that you later describe yourself as meaningless? How come is it that when you totally fuck me over and I'm hurt, the only thing you can do is ignore it and focus only on yourself? How come is it that you'd rather give up when the consequences of what you do get so bad than ever fight for me?
Is that even considered as making up? are you actually trying to make it up or are you just patching up your little puppet that you tore just to go around tearing it over all again from the very beginning?
The funny thing is I always forgive, and would've forgotten if I didn't have to be reminded by the same thing happening to me again ever so soon. and once again from you.
I guess i had started to turn into that ornament whose sole purpose is to make you feel better by possessing it. But i guess my heart's not cut out for this any more ... I'd rather refer to myself as a "HE" rather than an "It".
And for all that i should believe it when you say you love me?
No, for all that, i should hate you ... but i don't.
Thank you, and may you get what you deserve. as nothing i can do can cure this scar you left any more.
The one whose heart you broke ... again ... and again ... and again ... and again .... more than you could ever count.