paradox contd.

quoting NIN again:
"This is not my face ... and this is not my life
there is not a single thing here i can recognize
this is all a dream ... and none of you are real
i'd give anything ... u know i'd give anything!"



Nine Inch Nails ~ Head Down

paradox

sitting beside my darkest memory and it feels weird. A bittersweet mixture whose existance i absolutely resent.
I hate my subconscious ... I hate the fact that i can't define any feelings ... Or maybe i just deny certain types of them. I wanna be well. I'm sick of all the residues that just wont go away.
I wish i could lose these fantasies, or just quit subconsciously holding on to the wrong things. I'm saying 'subconsciously' because i know i shouldn't . I need some peace

bedtime ramblings again

failing to write for the zillionth time, i just decide to blurt out whatever before i sleep. Someone once told me that it works great with me ...
I'm dissatisfied ... and i feel totally clueless about what's going on around me ...
The things i believe in never seize to let me down ...
The things and people who used to make and give sense are changing into the total opposite ...
I feel like i'm drifting away ... not from one person ... but from everything i knew and used to take for granted ... and i feel like i'm in this new, dark and really lonely place...
take a deep breath ... and breathe life into your chest ...
take a deep breath ... and think ... no strike that ... take a deep breath and feel it ... rest your head ... give your brain a break
take a deep breath ... and ignore how much it hurts ...
take a deep breath ... it will all be over soon ... and i assure u it wouldn't be anything close to anything u ever wanted or planned ... just ...
take a deep breath ... the bottom is near ...
take a deep breath ... it will all disappear ...




and i'm sorry

hmmm...

I would like to show my greatest admiration and respect to the brilliant human being who invented the statement: "This is gonna hurt tomorrow!"

dear sir,
chapeaux!


Dear Jade, pls accept my ending this like you end your posts:

----------------------------------
Feeling Like: I'm inside Nine Inch Nails' track: "The Mark Has Been Made"
Listening To: the sound of the fan in my room

Enough Already

if whatever you do is not gonna be seen or gonna be denied then why the hell should you do it? If you would go all the way in the middle of the heat while you're completely hypotensive just for the person you're trying to make things better with to run away in the middle of the street then why the hell go? If they apologize just to act all bitchy again as if you were the one who did wrong then why the hell should you accept an apology in the first place? if you try to still make a move to fix things and being all rational and civil about it for them to just go like "i don't care" or "i'm not interested" then why the hell should u bother?? if this is all a collection of the same person then what the fuck are u thinking?? were u settling?? looks like it! should that be something you're supposed to put up with?? HELL NO!!

so dear self, being an asshole is sometimes a good solution if u're being treated like one anyways ... at least it requires much less effort and is more fun.
if u're constantly being called sick ... then u might as well act like it to earn it :D
and sometimes ... really ... it's just not worth it... and you shouldn't be sorry. And this time i'm not. I've thought i've seen weird and sick, but really this is a whole new level ... and for some reason it doesn't feel as bad, maybe i'm starting to really get used to it.

i have lots of other mean things to say but i guess i've sank low enough for one night :)

and YES, being an asshole is sometimes fulfilling ... especially with people who completely deserve it!

The Package

yesterday i noticed how lately i've been just blurting things out without getting into anything deep ... i stopped trying to write maybe. Today was mostly contemplating what's going on so i could articulate it ... too many inputs... sure not helping especially with my so called skills of self expression.
So i was driving a friend of mine around this morning and this song started playing ... and as i tend to think lately ... "How the hell didn't I notice how really great this track is??"
anyways, ladies and gents ... i give you A Perfect Circle's "The Package".




Clever got me this far
Then tricky got me in
Eye on what i'm after
I don't need another friend
Smile and drop the cliche
'Till you think I'm listening
I take just what I came for
Then I'm out the door again

Peripheral on the package
Don't care to settle in
Time to feed the monster
I don't need another friend
Comfort is a mystery
Crawling out of my own skin
Just give me what I came for, then I'm out the door again

Lie to get what I came for
Lie to get just what I need
Lie to get what I crave
Lie and smile to get what's mine

Eye on what i'm after
I don't need another friend
Nod and watch your lips move
If you need me to pretend
Because clever got me this far
Then tricky got me in
I'll take just what I came for
Then I'm out the door again

Lie to get what I came for
Lie to get what I need now
Lie to get what I'm craving
Lie and smile to get what's mine

Give this to me
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine

Lie to get what I came for
Lie to get what I need now
Lie to get what I'm craving
Lie to smile and get what's mine

Give this to me
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Give this to me

Take what's mine, take what's mine, mine...
Take what's mine, take what's mine, take what's mine,
This is mine, mine, mine [whispered]

Today was a REALLY weird dramatic day ... it started up with the usual shit (i hate the feeling i get waking up) ... then it turned into hope and eagerness to work ... then it turned into total disappointment and dispair ... then totally giving up and going to see the match and to hell with the project ... then more hope and work ... then success and absolute JOY!! and finally that joy got mixed with a little heartbreak ...

it's funny how those two exact feelings can actually exist together in the same heart in the same exact instant ...

life and its timings ...

life ... u're numbing me out to seriously be "Jack's total lack of surprise" ... now it's for real and not just a pretentious quote i put in my "about me" section in any profile i've got!

TIRED

I'm tired ... and i'm tired of being tired ... and i'm tired of tiring myself with no outcome ... and i'm tired of the consequences of being tired

BAD DAY

Today included everything i could ever not want in a day:
I overslept ... I discovered I haven't been called for a second interview while other people were (although i'm still convinced i did great in the first one) ... I woke up to discover that i'm probably and yet again following the same exact trail of crap i do to myself ... i spent about 5 hours in college working on my project all to no avail ... my friends all gathered and went out without calling me in an outing that includes my ex ... my parents didn't wake me up early enough so i had to miss my brothers exhibition at school and now he'd be really disappointed in me ... and i still can't figure out how i can ever have those needs satisfied ... and as usual ... i'm completely broke ...

mobile insomniac thoughts

shouldn't i be allowed to feel what i feel? Should i treat it like fake when it's real? Should i just ignore and pretend instead of further try and comprehend? Till when an i gonna be sentenced to lose? When i don't think i'm a loser at all. In fact things can always go for the better and this mind boggling will all go away soon. I believe!

Broke

I've been flat broke ... i spent all my reserve money on the camera ... i haven't been taking my allowance regularly (obviously the financial crisis is in the whole family), and i've been out of work (thank you college) for quite a while.
I don't mind any of that really ... it's a stage, a phase that will pass ... i will finish exams and get a job and things will be stable again. The thing i mind is people's attitude!
People receive the fact that you have no money with either complete disregard, or complete disbelief. It's like how come you have no money? how come u can't get money for us to celebrate this birthday in this posh place ... the minimum charge is just this (sum that's more than twice what's in my pocket) ... and then i have to be the one driving them around so i end up paying even more in gas and parking and all that crap ...
yes i do calculate everything trivial cause guess what ... i AM broke ... why can't anyone believe it???!?!!!
why can't anyone appreciate it instead of just jumping on my back with things to do that are beyond my ability??!! and things to do THEM?!

suddenly i'm thankful i have an exam tomorrow ... so i'm home tonight ... and don't need to go anywhere ... there's no gas in the car anyways :D

A Word To The (So Called) Wise (a.k.a. me)

You can never feel satisfied or free with so many things to hide ... just let it go ... let is ALL go ... and that way, if you don't come clean, the cleanliness will come and get you!

Nickiiiiii

Today i took Nickie (my new camera) on her first small photoshoot :) and i actually liked a coupla pics :) i'm in love again!

I SLEPT!!!!! I FINALLY FUCKING SLEPT!!!!!

well i did have a loooong conversation last night and got a big load off my chest, but was that the reason?? could my being on off terms with anyone affect me to the extent of not making me sleep?? That has never happened to me before!

but hey!!!!! I SLEPT!!!!!!! :D

:)

today was my first day back to workin on my grad project. Was going really slow in the morning till we eventually gave up and went home. I went back to find the internet connection cut off ... so i just thought what the fuck and went out instead of working some more ... but u know me, the internet addict!!!
I found the cafe had connection so right away, my laptop was out and i was online :) ... god can't i stand a few hours???
it was boring ... so i just thought i'd try once more. and wow ... worked like a charm ... and i have a program that does most of the stuff we invented in one!!! yeehaa!!!
and now i'm on dialup for the first time in YEARS!!! ugh

i still don't like engineering or software development :(

but overall ... i'm happy ... for some weird reason ... i finally finished getting acquainted with my camera, and i'm not waiting for a chance to go on a serious photoshoot with it :)

song of the day is definitely: Sheila Nicholls ~ Bread and Water

Dear Kov

life is sending you the same message for the zillionth time ... please ... please ... PLEASE get it and stop repeating the same mistake again.
some things are just not worth it goddamnit

1,000,000

It's official ... my NIN obsession has returned ... i find myself hung on a different song each day ... Trent Reznor, sometimes u're a lyrical genius ... seriously


I wake up
On the floor
Start it up again
Like it matters anymore
I don't know
If it does
Is this really all
That there ever was?
Put the gun
In my mouth
Close your eyes
Blow my fucking brains out
Pretty patterns
On the floor
That's enough for you
But I still need more

I JUMP FROM EVERY ROOFTOP
SO HIGH SO FAR TO FALL
I FEEL A MILLION MILES AWAY
I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL

WHAT/WHY/HOW

i was setting off to write a post that's deep ... structured and had lots of thoughts and concepts that i started to find interesting ... and i DID put it into order this time ... but then i erased it all because i can sum it up in just this line.

Life seams to work hard on letting you lose yourself, conscience, and all the things that prevent you from being called an animal ... and it does it in the strangest of ways and in even more stranger timings that don't make sense... i just hate feeling tested and under the microscope most of the time ... especially that it feels that i'm being animalized a little bit more with each new experience i go through in this life ...

oh well ... i don't know what/why/how to think or react anymore

OMG

8 years ago i went to visit my aunts in Jordan. There I went to the movies and saw a movie i really liked. It was called "The Jackal" starring Bruce Willis and Richard Gere. There was this song that played in the movie that i absolutely ADORED!!!! made me wanna get the movie and all its music.
When i came back to Egypt, noone had ever heard of the movie, and of course the soundtrack. Each time i remember the movie (and it was alot) i remember this song. Yesterday i torrented it for the zillionth time ... but this time I FOUND IT!!! i didn't find the soundtrack though ... i asked a brilliant lovely friend of mine and she found it for me and went completely out of her way to make sure i get it ... and now i'm listening to the song and am a kid again ... really happy!
at least it's taking my mind a bit of really stressful things i have in mind that are really troubled and questioning myself. I feel like i'm in one of those hot spots when anything i say can make me lose or keep something i really care about ... and i'm just too tired to think about it now despite how precious this is to me...

Sou ... Thank you can never be enough! you really fulfilled an 8 year old dream!

Done?

So today was my supposed last final in college ... my performance in the last two wasn't so great so i hope the ARE the last and i won't have to repeat any of them in November. Fingers crossed.
Leaving college i wasn't so happy. Of course i still have an oral sometime in the next 48 hours, and i also have a project to deliver on the 8th ... but that wasn't it. This is a place that took too much away from me ... just thinking about it makes me sick. So my dear Faculty of Engineering ... all i could think of while leaving you behind is NIN's chorus ringing in my head ...

"
And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing here
I can recognize
This is all a dream
And none of you are real
I'll give anything
I'll give anything
"


Nine Inch Nails ~ Head Down

it's 4am and i still can't sleep. Hope i have enough brain power left in the exam tomorrow :s

Contrast

I've been sold out ... on the day before my exam ... i was gonna be happy with the fact that i have kept myself safe from the Egyptian-in-Kolleyya-Khazwa2a experience throughout my years of college ... but it came here ... not before my last final.
Well ... everyone's been there .. so i should too ... and after all if it weren't now then i would've never seen it ... yenfa3 keda bardo?? :D anyways i'm not mad or anything ... i'll just work harder for the whole day trying to figure out those vague last two chapters ... hope it all goes well.

I'm happy ... enjoying my glass of wine one little sip at a time ... and i'm sure all will be okay ... i'm looking forward to lots of things ... i'm looking forward to my camera ... hopefully after tomorrow ... or tomorrow if i'm too weak to hold it :D

Over'n'Out


Listenin to Suzanne Vega's Discography .. and reloving it all over again and again ... i love this woman. Nine Objects of Desire is the sexiest music album ever!!!

cheers to homoginity

I'm tired again ... too many inputs ... just too many ... and now it strikes me as ironic cause most my subjects are about one for of 'control' or the other ... no wonder i'm doing that bad! i liked PLC though... anyways ... mesh el adeyya

i've lost my ability to read ... i can't be patient enough to read the articles of my favorite bloggers even ... and i can't really write the way i want either (what's new in that??!) ...

i'm being called lots of things ... i think of myself as lots of things ... some of them intersect ... but i don't think they should.

there's a different between vague and lost ... it's like the same difference between truth and denial ... it's just there... and now i'm feeling really scared again...

i don't feel like clarity ... i feel like stretching on that thing they stretched Mel Gibson with at the end of Brave Heart ... i want to feel different ... fresh ... or new ... just anything different from this shitty pattern that doesn't wanna go away ...

you're not stupid ... i am ... i don't wanna lose what this means to me ... but there's always more i can't get to ... and i just can't right now ... i said it before and it still is ... i can't. where's the rewind button in this life?
a friend of mine said she saw me on May 9th and i seemed so happy she didn't wanna spoil it by even saying 'Hi' ... i want that day back ...

CONGRATULATIONS MONMON!!!!

So after a week of stress and bad exam after the other .... i finally receive some news that i can call GOOD ... wait ... not good, GREAT ... even more than that ...
Monmon has finally passed her PhD Dissertation defense and is now Dr. Monmon :)

i'm so proud and happy :) beyond description

i'm glad all the hard work we put into research and interviews .. and all the weird encounters were all worthwhile :) ... so monmon, congratulations

your friend, research assistant, and partner in crime,

NeMo

Dear Souad

As usual when i sit there to write something of what i feel, i find myself running in circles in my head on how to put it down. I'll try not do that so this will be too direct and to the point.
I have been abused for four years, I have major trust issues, and I lost faith that the thing people call 'love' exists. I seriously cannot define it anymore, and hence you will never find me talking about it much.
For the past years there hasn't been a time in which i opened my heart and wasn't hurt badly in return. There wasn't a time in which i was dependent on a person and was not deserted in return. There was not a time that i felt something good and wasn't forced to regret it later. There wasn't a time in which i did something i thought was special for a person without that person talking considering it lame and meaningless... maybe i'm over-victimizing myself by rules of common sense, but this is genuinely how i feel. I can never trust a person over these precious things in my life and in myself. I can never feel without worrying what would happen to me next, i'm always waiting for my scoop of ice-cream to fall to the floor. And better yet, I've become less tolerant towards any kind of abuse, even the slightest of bitchiness from anyone strikes memories of everything i've been through for the past four years. I can't go there again ... I can't be that person, and i DEFINITELY cannot allow anyone to a place where there's even the slightest possibility for them to hurt me like that again.
So I'm scared, and i'm sorry but ... i deserve to be.
The feeling i dread most in this world is loneliness ... not just any kind of loneliness ... unfair loneliness ... when u've been deserted in your most critical times of need, in times when u're in most need of support ... when the reasons you hear about yourself are the furthest thing from being true... and when despite all the shit u're in you're treated as if you're guilty when u're not ... and when your deserter apologizes later only to desert you again minutes after ... and when they just come talk as if nothing is wrong, and no harm has been made ... when you're blamed for the existence of things you made clear from day 1. so i'm over sensitive? well then again ... i deserve to be.
I'm sorry but it would take me a LONG while to be able to trust again ... especially with how i've already seen a great deal of my fears re manifest themselves during the past week. I don't think i'm over-reacting ... but seriously, i cannot be hurt again ... especially if it's for nothing wrong i did ... and especially if i don't deserve it ... i cannot allow myself to follow someone else's agenda anymore ... especially with how little appreciation i feel... I need to feel more appreciated in the times of my actual needs ... not when everything falls apart ... i need that to be the norm, not the treat to make me stay a while ...

i don't know what else to say

Kov

Finals Update

well things are starting to look shitty ... i did well on the first two ... did like crap in the last one ... somewhere in between on the one before ... the fifth and last is next saturday and it's one of those subjects i was never able to get along with ....

hope i dont' have to make a plan C for my life :S

Six Quirks (My Very First Tag)

I WAS TAGGED I WAS TAGGED... DID I TELL YOU I WAS TAGGED ???!!!!
hehe it's the very first tag i ever get ... thanks to Sou :)

These are the rules:

1. Link the person(s) who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules on your blog.
3. State 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

Quirks:

1- I get into my thoughts so deeply that i react physically. I can actually throw up at the thought of something bad, or cry at the memory of something sad ... the funniest of all is when i remember something embarrassing: Imagine a quiet guy sitting next to you on the bus suddenly bursting out "SHIT!!! la2 la2 la2 la2" and then getting quiet again

2- I've been trying to quit smoking for over a year

3- I have major trust issues that seem to get worse everyday ... and i can say that i almost lost faith in the existence of love

4- I can never control how much i spend ... and that's why i'm always broke or looking for a job. This year somehow i managed to buy a laptop, a new phone, a DSLR, pay my club membership, and fix my car. now i can't even afford a stupid memory card :D

5- i've strained my neck a few times in my life. 95% of the time it was because i got too carried away with headbanging to songs i got too caught up in

6- I quit easily... on the good things at least


I Tag Ran, Silent Observer, Jade, Insomniac, and Arima

the negative freak is back

you run away to something different. You run away from something familiar. And you seek the change through that that's new. You find yourself dumbstruck ... Speechless ... That's not the change i wanted. That's not a change at all. You are who you are. Your flaws are your flaws. Your weaknesses are also there. None of them will go away. You just learn how to deal with them. Get around them so they seize to be those big obstacles on your so called path. U can't change people, or the fact that most of them are selfish scum. You can't change life. You just learn how to deal with it.
There's no such thing as a strong person, there's the smart and wise who conceal the weakness, or manipulate it to their advantage.
I still don't get it. But i know one day i will ... I just hope i do learn from repeating my mistakes. Yeah! I'm that stupid.