Nostalgia

A word that just kept ringing in my head as i read dee's blog... it struck me as those deja-vu's strike you and keep your head turning... cause that's wut i've been experiencing all the time all day ... nostalgia ...
the word that guy called how he felt looking at my picture posted on trekearth ... the thing that made me come back home to listen to metallica's nothing else matters a zilliion times .... that shivering feeling i got when i read Alanis' line when i glanced to the right of dee's page again ... 'is it just me or are you ... set ... up' ... ' is it just me or is it ... hot ... in here' and again i was nostalgic.
so i'm back here writing .... half way through and still wodering what is it i really am gonna write about ... i'm constantly being advised not to think of the past but somehow i just bring it over and over on myself ... doing things that are practically useless ... passing under people's houses just to see their cars cause i know i won't be able to see them themselves ... would i actually dare to? i don't think i even care about the answer to that ... but i feel too much ... not something specific but just having that intense feeling of something ... is it missing ... is it the need ... is it gloominess (is that actually a word??!) ... or is it just a void?!
i drive like a maniac ... but just for 20 seconds ... i miss my ka3boora's rush ... but somehow it just felt so .... not right ...
i miss the time when i could just let go ... just jump off that dune and enjoy my head's impact with the sand below ... laugh like a maniac staring at the sky when my body finally comes to rest on the ground ... or wish i could be struck by that huge wave ... with it's weight just sweeping me off my feet leaving completely out of control ... whirling around and losing my own self-orientation or sense of direction with nothing to see but white ... and nothing to hear but the roar of the water in my ears ... and nothing to feel but your whole body twisting and turning in all sorts of directions ... wish i could be tyler durden shouting at himself "QUIT TRYING TO CONTROL EVERYTHING AND JUST .... LET .... GO" just to get out of the road ... fall off and enjoy the impact. am i too controlling ... or am i too used to being controlled that i do it to myself when noone is?
i wanna dive in Thomas Reef's canyon ,,, 65m's deep ... and feel the narcosis all over me ... i wanna sing Om Kalsoum in my regulator on the bottom of Dahab's canyon ...
i wanna feel relieved ... free ... and careless ...
i wanna be that hawk in jamoraquoi's corner of the earth ...
i wanna sleep in your arms and feel nothing but your chest moving up and down from your breathing ...
i just wanna feel ...