well this new years eve was different. for the first time ever i spent it with a bowl of soup infront of tv for no other reason other than that i was too tired to do anything tonight. well at least i had one helluva morning :)
then i just remembered the beginning of last year, which led back another thought that's been lingering in my head for a while. how much i end up hurting those people who at the time care or seem to care about me the most. and none of them happens intentionally ... some of them i don't know how it happened or why ... some i just find myself with blooded hands after it's all over. and to all those, i say ... i'm purely, utterly and deeply sorry. even if i was done, or thought of wrong by any of you, i still am ... sorry!
special apologies in this matter i'd like to dedicate to two persons in specific
1. Maha: Maha u were one of the greatest things that ever happened to me, i loved you dearly and from all my heart and with you i felt care and love that i rarely felt later. i never meant to hurt you or leave you in any way that was that difficult as it was. i just hope you could understand and maybe one day think of me differently. you're still one of the people i value the most.
2. Iman: Another big apology to you. despite the reasoning of it all i still don't deny that i have a big share of the blame for this matter. or maybe i was too drifting into my own feelings of being lost that i never got a chance to take a deeper look at yours. maybe our timing just sucked as well. i just hope one day you can see how i really am/was and understand how things went that way ( i still know part of it is my fault) ... and hope that one day you could think of me differently. maybe if our timing was a bit different we could've been really something. thanks for all the care you made me feel, and thanks for being there at the times when i really needed it, and sorry if i was too much of a jerk to react like that when someone's genuinely trying to make me happy. but i'm not that asshole in reality. i hope i can find a way to apologize in a manner that you deserve.
New years resolutions: Get a job once i can, Make freakin decisions, and put my own happiness as a priority for a change :)
Happy new Year
btw. i never write any of my positive of cheerful thoughts in here so don't u think i'm such a sick minded masochistic loser, i just vent here and enjoy the other good times away from the cyberspace.