DAWWA7'EENY YA LAMOONA

it's like i'm playing games on my own self. .. or more accurately my head's playin them ... things happen that should make me feel good ... yet i don't ... i know it's normally cause i should partially feel some guilt but it spreads further than that ... to other issues .... like a gathering of everything that should make me feel bad ... and it's me who gathers them in my head actually ... wasn't i over this routine?? what got it back???
all day i get huge ideas and feelings and thoughts and i find myself extremely looking forward to come home so i could write them down here on my blog ... but once i sit down with hands on the keyboard .... blank! ... nothing ...
i'm in love yet i'm full of hate
i'm happy yet i'm furious
i'm optimistic but acting suicidal
i'm going round in circles ...
i'm moving forwards then i dash backwards again ...
ma2olna going around in circles why do i have to write it down in a kazillion forms ....
anywayz another ble7' for the night ...

if someone knows an 'OFF' switch for my brain please notify me where i could find it ... even my dreams are becomming too sucky so don't say go to sleep :S

2 more songs added to the list today

nite

DEVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILS GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THat's the thing the guy shhouted as he grasped jack black's head in Shallow hal .... and that's the exact thing i need right now ... i woke up today in one helluva mood ... shitty isn't as smelly as it is ... never mind the adjective i'm not gonna even try ... it just SUCKS!!!!
dad's been groaring around the place all morning ... and i hate it when that happens .... the way he shouts ... orders around wants me just to borrow that universal remote control in the movie 'click' , press PAUSE ... kick everyone's ass and then press resume again .... or maybe not ... i'll just sit there with everyone frozen and enjoy a freaking calm day with as much silence as i can ... GOD IT'S LIKE A ZOO HERE!!!!
the ironic thing about me talking about silence right now is the music i'm playin in that mood of mine ... RIGHT NOW RAGE ARE GETTING FIRED UP IN ASHES IN THE FALL!!!! God i love this part ... over the ... over the ... over the BURNIN GROUND!!!!!!!!!!
i feel like i have ADD ... i've thinking of a kazzilion things at the same time and not my focus is just shifting from one thing to the other without going back the semi finished thought behind it leaving everything half done in my head...
u know what?? i'm goin out ... or wait i'm gonna replay that beautiful piece of noise again!!!

other songs of the day:
Ashes in the Fall ~ Rage Against the Machine
Chop Suey ~ SOAD (one day i read it without knowing it's an abbreviation :D LOL )
Pet ~ A Perfect Circle
Voices ~ Disturbed

tough start??

well ... as for my new start, as much as i'm all fired up and all we naatet besedry we koll 7aaga ... but my accomplishement in it along the past 3 days was.... ZERO!!!!!!
i could actually excuse myself for today and yesterday as i was in the pool teaching people how to dive all day ... i blacked out yesterday as soon as i got home and woke up in the morning still wearing my bathing suit just to jump into the pool a coupla hours later!! so akeed i had no time or energy to read shit ... sa77?? still i can't excuse myself for thursday ... i literally wasted that day ...
tomorrow tuyyeb?? well i hope :D although i'm quite sure enn i'll slack around with the feeling of all my body aching from the past two days' excercise ... well guess the inflation of activities has just started a sentence or two ago :D .. okay okay ... it's freaking ok and i'll start readin :D ... 7aga te2ref!!!! ....
why can't we just stay kids and have no such thing as responsibility in our lives we nefdal ' MAAAMMMYYYYY 3AYEZ DYY!!!!!' or is that how my stepbro acts which drives me nuts??!! maybe i'm an envious of that little brat!!! after all he has a PS2 wana gebt el ataary wana 2addo bel3afya :D .... bass bardo bafsha7'o fwinning eleven :D
anywayz i should go shower before i black out wearing all that chlorine on me again ....
later peeps,

End of an Epic start of a new one

Don't ask me why i put that title like that ... put it just sounded nice ... dramatic maybe? well that's it. Yesterday i finally finished my exams, finally finished that semester, and finished analyzing this thing in my head that's just taking over my actions, though i haven't really identified it totally but at least i have a glimpse on how to work on it ... and that's what i should be starting today :) ...
i see it somehow as some kind of the usual sticking to maturity thing ... just force your self into the have to's instead of the want to's ... not yet convinced it's just the hard thing you have to go through that'll make itself and everything else ease as u jump in for a while but then again ... what're we losing from giving it a shot??! ...
funny that i'm saying this after exams? well i have more shit to work on here :) ... today ... let's remind ourselves of some diving physics ... :) btw i'm sort've happy ... for no apparent reason and despite that headache still being there since yesterday but i'm still feeling good ...

song of the day: Alanis Morissette ~ Crazy

The thing it is between you and you that just drives you crazy ... i have to say that these lines make me feel great. To an onlooker it might make no sense at all ... yet it has nothing but loads of sense to it.
so the exam's tomorrow and i'm sick of studying ... though i can't say that i studied that much uslan and am once again working my ass off in wutever proved useless even before being attempted. am i hooked?? and if i am what the hell should that mean??!! why can't the human memory do that human a favour and just stop functioning for a while?? ... or forever in certain directions! i guess it's the ultimate interests and curiousities about the consequences. and when they're not that dreadful that makes you more curious. shit i'm talking riddles again ... guess i'm incapable of stopping it ... why can't i get to the stage with myself when i can't fear the particularities being exposed ... is it cause i intend it to be sensored to a portion of its readers?? then what's the purpose of this whole blog? where did all the talk go about it's being advertised and open...
3ayyel :P

Recess

Resuscitate

In my sleep

Awake to see

You're never here

But the losing yields

Another year

Facing hopes and fears

.

.

.

And I wish

I could believe there was more

Hopes suffocating

You've kissed my life

.

.

.

And the planes and trains

Are to blame

For tempting us

To refrain

And to cut the chord

Dis every word

Of the truths absurd

.

.

.

And I wish

I could believe there was more

Hopes suffocating

You've kissed my life

.

.

.

Hopes suffocating

Hopes suffocating

Hopes suffocating

And you've kissed my life

.

.

.

Muse ... Matthew Bellamy ... nothing i can say would do u enough and be fair ... been hooked on this song since the morning.

oh and still ... i hate your last album :P

The Crystal Method

Today i decided i'll just throw it all out and collect it later ... no shit for nothing ... absolutely free airheaded ... and maybe some software .. my exam's after tomorrow and i nearly didn't do shit so i have to focus ... i discovered a track i've been searching for for a while now ... it's called 'Name of The Game' by The Crystal Method ... it's a must listen folks ... enjoy
kov

!!!

Doesn't it sometimes suck when ur brain's working in a zillion directions at the same time? sometimes a person can become too self-judging to a really crippling extent ... that person would definitely be me ...
the main struggles right now are just not related, at least as to me. I'm not happy with my performance in studying ... i'm just not studying. been feeling sleepy all day and the logical thing to do for someone who has studying as a priority is to just sleep for a while and wake up to study right? well ... in my case it hasn't been quite so. i have been up just wasting time doing absolutely nothing of any use. i played on my bro's playstation, i've watched a couple of episodes from sex and the city and went for a walk to smoke a cigarrette. and now i'm here doing nothing but sitting online and writing on my blog. why can't i prioratise it right? that's still a mystery to be solved.
good thing is ... i think i regained my ability to feel cold again :) ... started feeling it yesterday.
second thing i guess would be my lovelife. i was happy the past period when i didn't have it upfront, focusing on anything but ... and so on but somehow with things going well again with ayat, it seems i'm back again. i'm acting like everything else revolves around the matter ... well actually i'm not really acting but things are going that way out of my own will ... can't i ever show any sense of control over things? shouldn't i feel in control over my life and shouldn't i be running it myself?? well that again is another mystery to be solved.
my dear hayek, you still need some work ...

HUH?!

mesh assdy asra2 your nick ya hawary ... bass this was really wierd ... just after i wrote my last post ... i know that was a minute ago ... i just discovered add eh el denya momken tokoon so3'ayyarra ... and definitely not in a funny way ... sometimes it's just too ironic to be true ... out of all the people yetla3 kollo wassel beba3do keda :D ...what was that smiley for??? anyhow ... is that a sign or what? guess i have to go with the line the doc says gayyebny lwara ....

'ma 3aleena' ...

Attachements

Now for a very troubling question that's haunted me for months... what is it that leaves us attached to people?! what makes a person stick to your head in a way that makes u always interested in knowing their news and whereabouts despite every piece of logic proving it to be a bad idea? people u've known ... people u've fought with before .... people that dumped u .... people u dumped ... all sorts of people who u just don't know maybe anymore ... people with whom catching up wouldn't being anything but the old conclusions that made u not know them anymore anyhow ...
it's obivously some human thing ... cause i don't i'm the only one who finds himself in these shoes every once in a while ... only this time it's huge ... and the list of people is the biggest ever ...
is there a way to quiet this thing down??? well get to studyin you moron!!!! :D
e7''
salam

Virgin State of Mind

that's the name of a song i love by k's choice ... with one of the most wonderful lyrics ever. For some time in my life, even recent times, i used to cry listening to this song ... for some reason today it's actually soothing ... just makes me feel fresh. As if i'm not that person anymore ... i feel good and new and full of potential. True that i didn't do anything useful today ... or anything i should be doing, but still i feel good, fresh and happy ... now i'm in a virgin state of mind :)

Things that bring Joy to My Life

Wow ... all this posting today?! i can't believe myself ... it's like i'm not doing anything but writing people and blogging all day ... now for my second post on this blog today ....

i'm talking and paying tribute to the things i love and bring me joy

1. Ka3borty

ka3boora is my lovely 1990VW Rabbit Cabriolet ... i've had this car for two years ta2reeban and i don't think its total functioning time reached a year 3ala ba3d ... it suffered from an accident ma3aaya and then my dad freaked out on me and didn't want to help me fix it again (yeah it had several previous breakdowns :D ) so ... i worked from August till the end of December to be able to fix ka3borty 7abebty and eventually succeeded and i could say that i brought it back to the pre-accident shape last week :D. The other good thing throughout the fixing period was the benefits of it too ... i got to learn lots of things about cars that i've always wanted to know ... i'm acually quite good at it now :) and my dad didn't take any part in it exactly like most of the things that've got to do with me learning something ... and another thing is that in my work period i got to know Monmon (my diving friend and ex-boss now) who's by far the best person i've known and had fun with in 2006 ... i think she was actually the only good thing that happened to me in 2006. anywayz KA3BORTY METSALLA7A AND IT SOUNDS SEXY AS ALWAYS WITH IT'S 3ENN3ENN THAT ROCKS MY WORLD :D .... seriously i can't believe how much ka3boora's health affects my overall mood :)

2. Diving

Diving's like the thing i love most to do in my life ... gives me feelings i long to experience for all the time between one diving trip and the other. i've started diving when i was 12, took the open water course as my 12th birthday gift. and since then i've done over 200 dives and am currently waiting for my PADI DiveMaster certification. The trick about dving is the diversity of feelings and experiences you go through. You can enjoy absolute tranquility diving in a good laguna just before sunset when most fish head for their shelters, and the water is taking that amazing dark shade of blue and everything appears to be so silent and you cannot here anything but the sound of you and your partners' bubbles. You can add a bit of thrill to that by passing through canyons like the one in Dahab .. extending to 48metres deep, add to that the nitrogen narcosis .. my God u miss diving already.

The Thrill of seeing your first shark is undescribable, it's just ... breathtaking ... i don't know if i should describe how amazingly beautiful they are, or how gracefully they swim, or how the give that aura of absolute respect and power ... you feel too small and humble ... you're there standing infront of the king of the sea in his own territory.

but it's not all about sharks ... as actually sharks are not that frequent in most areas .. unless you dive south towards marsa allam masalan ... the other creatures and fish you see ... all the colours, all the life .... and all the beauty ... with how diverse it is, in their habits, the way they adabt, special things and abilities of each kind, and even their special characters ... gives you lots of options of how you spend your time mentally underwater ... whether u just admire, marvel, look into more details and discover more smaller creatures you wouldn't have noticed if u didn't give yourself a closer look, explore and feel adventurous, or just marvel God for his creation's perfection. it's all there

One of my personal favourite fish are actually available everywhere and are not rare by any means ... they're those small groups of orange reef fish ( look alot like gold fish) or maybe they actually are... they usually are in huge groups and stay in the exact same place all the time ... swimming only to or away from the coral reef on a very regular sinusoidal manner ... and their being in a group makes that look like a sphere growing bigger and then smaller again 5 seconds later ... only to start growing bigger again another 5 seconds later .... and so on. I love two things about these fishies ... one is that if you focus too much on a group of them u'll find others similar to them but slightly bigger and purple in shape (soldier fish) always there on the outskirts of this spherical group. they act like sheepdogs over the fishies, their sheep. each time one of those fishies goes moves out of the group even by mistake, u'll find this purple soldier fish chasing it back in.... the other things i love about them is when i fin too fast into one of these groups so deep into it to the extent that all i can see are those small fishies swimming next to me ... i can almost swear eye contact was made a number of times ... it just makes me feel i'm one of them ... and puts a huge smile on my face.

One other experience that shouldn't be missed in diving since we talked about narcosis and sharks is absolutely Wreck Diving. For those of you who don't know, Egypt has one of the most amazing sunken boats in the world, and at very accessible diving depths too. Penetrating a wreck and exploring its inside is really a must do ... envolves lots of thrill and certainly is an adventure to be enjoyed. My personal favourite is called the S.S. Thistlegorm. This baby is a british military cargo ship that was hit by german aircraft in the south of the gulf of Suez and sunk there. it's at only 20 metres of depth and has a SHITLOAD of things there in it. Tanks (dabbabaat), trucks, motorcycles, rifles, aircraft parts, A TRAIN LOCOMOTIVE, anti-aircraft guns not to mention the amazing amount of ammunition and the army boots (i have one in my bedroom :D) ... so u can imagine how huge that ship is ... but you cerainly can't imagine how senstional it is to be diving on it.

diving rocks people ... and no i'm not saying that to advertise ... i'm saying it cause it's the best sensation anyone could experience ... ask a diver ;)

i think those two are enough for today ,,, the rest of the list still to come,

peace out,

kov

The Act is OVER!!! The Joy is REAL!!!

well tonight, despite my being bored as hell, am in a good mood. And i have to give most of the credit of this to Dalia, who's currently like the best person i could ever talk to online ... betfokk 3o2det lesaany mesh 3aref ezzay... :D
today i discovered my exact complaint of me ... and since i finally have my finger on that bitch, i could certainly work on it much faster and definitely much easier. It's actually a very stupid thing that probably dates back to a kazillion years ago ... maybe even before highschool ... and that is that i was never the cool kid in class, and certainly never felt like i was getting that much attention anywhere, added that my dad always and still never makes me feel like i'm responsible enough or fit enough to take the responsibility of anything ... so i simply acted (e7mmm ... and still am) against it. I constantly try to make anything related to me appear as sophisticated as it can be ... as complicated as it can ever reach ... and my experiences as hard and hectic as they can look ... simply to show that image that's a total opposite to all that i've been getting. In other words, i always strive to be different ... eccentric at times maybe, add alot of drama to situations for extra viewers ( or more accurately to attract more attention to me ) and make every task i have to do look like it's the thing that's totally killing me and would kill everyone else who attempts it.... i made my life look harder and alot more unpleasant than it is ... or more accurately sometimes even turned the pleasant part into an unpleasant one. I think the only thing that's been away from these visual transformation would have to be my love life.
anywayz, back to the point... so as i did this over the years it started evolving and developing into more advanced forms, and certainly more results ... exceeding the frame or domain of the intentions (though all were subconscious) truely behind all this. that is that besides working on showing everyone how unique and responsible and blablabla all that things i am, which i didn't believe myself obviously and obviously sucked at showing too, i convinced myself that my facade was real.... so the only true spectator that got to believe the act was me ... and the other spectators didn't get anything from the intended act, instead, most of them just got to the conclusion that i'm just that miserable wierdo :) ...
saba7 el habal right??
well ... i guess all we have to do is to stop acting ... stop playing with the proportions of things in life ... we all have responsibilities, let's just enjoy what we can from them instead of turning them into a horror movie that ends up being so cheap and gets no box office success ... and being the only victims of our terror ... we mesh fahem eih el metaphores el ta3baana elly nazla 3ala dmaa3'y dy!!!! :D lol
anywayz ... that'll be the title for my next period ... stand up for it ... only it ... and nothing but it .... just it .... and don't add anything to it ... then it'll be fun
congrats ya kovi :P
corny and lovin it!

DO WE?!

Why do we care so much about opinions and reactions of counterparts that we actually allow it to block out thoughts ... or at least advertising or bringing them out in the major public ...
or is it that we're just too embarrassed to share it out loud with certain people ... or is it our true selves we're strying to conceal? ...
well in all cases i don't find it to be any good for any reason ... and now i'm gonna bring it out to the wild ...
this place is now advertised!
here's to me ... breaking out!
KOV

Nostalgia

A word that just kept ringing in my head as i read dee's blog... it struck me as those deja-vu's strike you and keep your head turning... cause that's wut i've been experiencing all the time all day ... nostalgia ...
the word that guy called how he felt looking at my picture posted on trekearth ... the thing that made me come back home to listen to metallica's nothing else matters a zilliion times .... that shivering feeling i got when i read Alanis' line when i glanced to the right of dee's page again ... 'is it just me or are you ... set ... up' ... ' is it just me or is it ... hot ... in here' and again i was nostalgic.
so i'm back here writing .... half way through and still wodering what is it i really am gonna write about ... i'm constantly being advised not to think of the past but somehow i just bring it over and over on myself ... doing things that are practically useless ... passing under people's houses just to see their cars cause i know i won't be able to see them themselves ... would i actually dare to? i don't think i even care about the answer to that ... but i feel too much ... not something specific but just having that intense feeling of something ... is it missing ... is it the need ... is it gloominess (is that actually a word??!) ... or is it just a void?!
i drive like a maniac ... but just for 20 seconds ... i miss my ka3boora's rush ... but somehow it just felt so .... not right ...
i miss the time when i could just let go ... just jump off that dune and enjoy my head's impact with the sand below ... laugh like a maniac staring at the sky when my body finally comes to rest on the ground ... or wish i could be struck by that huge wave ... with it's weight just sweeping me off my feet leaving completely out of control ... whirling around and losing my own self-orientation or sense of direction with nothing to see but white ... and nothing to hear but the roar of the water in my ears ... and nothing to feel but your whole body twisting and turning in all sorts of directions ... wish i could be tyler durden shouting at himself "QUIT TRYING TO CONTROL EVERYTHING AND JUST .... LET .... GO" just to get out of the road ... fall off and enjoy the impact. am i too controlling ... or am i too used to being controlled that i do it to myself when noone is?
i wanna dive in Thomas Reef's canyon ,,, 65m's deep ... and feel the narcosis all over me ... i wanna sing Om Kalsoum in my regulator on the bottom of Dahab's canyon ...
i wanna feel relieved ... free ... and careless ...
i wanna be that hawk in jamoraquoi's corner of the earth ...
i wanna sleep in your arms and feel nothing but your chest moving up and down from your breathing ...
i just wanna feel ...

Another whirl in the head

The trick about this period in my life is that i can't really make a judgement about it. Inside i feel better, yet on a more practical level both it and i just suck. I can't get my act together in just about anything. I still don't study, I don't do anything right and still keep burdening myself with more. Am i turning into someone who's just runninq after the joys of life? Why am i not caring about the consequences despite having them on my mind all the time? Why can't i function based on what i think is important? Or are my priorities all screwed up? Or is it that i'm sub-conciously pressuring myself cause i can't seam to function except under pressure? In all cases, I am just becoming more and more tired.
I'm tired of how fast my head is moving, sometimes too fast for me to grasp my own thoughts. Is this why i can't seem to express myself in writing? I mean i seam to be doing well here so far but i'm writing on my visor and this thing is too slow so it's forcing me to slow down :)
howa dal daya3 elly beyetkallemo 3aleeh?
TBC

ITCH

ever found you whole body resonating with a line of a song or just a piece of music playing in a solo or something?? that happens alot to me (since i'm constantly listening to music) hehe ... well here it goes .... maybe i'll do an itch list next to my music list .... LOOOOL
well this one comes from Creed's 'Wrong Way' .... " I HOPE I HELPED YOU ........ LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!"
Scott Basha Stapp ... you don't know how much you just sent me to the sky!!
cheers,

New Years Thoughts and Tributes

well this new years eve was different. for the first time ever i spent it with a bowl of soup infront of tv for no other reason other than that i was too tired to do anything tonight. well at least i had one helluva morning :)
then i just remembered the beginning of last year, which led back another thought that's been lingering in my head for a while. how much i end up hurting those people who at the time care or seem to care about me the most. and none of them happens intentionally ... some of them i don't know how it happened or why ... some i just find myself with blooded hands after it's all over. and to all those, i say ... i'm purely, utterly and deeply sorry. even if i was done, or thought of wrong by any of you, i still am ... sorry!
special apologies in this matter i'd like to dedicate to two persons in specific

1. Maha: Maha u were one of the greatest things that ever happened to me, i loved you dearly and from all my heart and with you i felt care and love that i rarely felt later. i never meant to hurt you or leave you in any way that was that difficult as it was. i just hope you could understand and maybe one day think of me differently. you're still one of the people i value the most.

2. Iman: Another big apology to you. despite the reasoning of it all i still don't deny that i have a big share of the blame for this matter. or maybe i was too drifting into my own feelings of being lost that i never got a chance to take a deeper look at yours. maybe our timing just sucked as well. i just hope one day you can see how i really am/was and understand how things went that way ( i still know part of it is my fault) ... and hope that one day you could think of me differently. maybe if our timing was a bit different we could've been really something. thanks for all the care you made me feel, and thanks for being there at the times when i really needed it, and sorry if i was too much of a jerk to react like that when someone's genuinely trying to make me happy. but i'm not that asshole in reality. i hope i can find a way to apologize in a manner that you deserve.

New years resolutions: Get a job once i can, Make freakin decisions, and put my own happiness as a priority for a change :)

Happy new Year

btw. i never write any of my positive of cheerful thoughts in here so don't u think i'm such a sick minded masochistic loser, i just vent here and enjoy the other good times away from the cyberspace.

Night