!!

So on his first brush he just breaks?! he usually kicks his own ass when he feels like that but he decided to take a calmer more reasonable approach to things this time.
He's just done something he didn't think he would ever have done ... he felt things he never thought he'd feel again ... he just broke in ways that defy everything he's been doing for numerous months ... he just can't explain ... actually it's very explainable but it's the reasons behind it all that are questionable.

The only solid conclusion he can reach is: This is not over ... and it has never been ... and i've been just fooling myself. Or not feeling myself, maybe trying to make myself believe in something else. One very wise person once told him "if u believe in something for long enough, it's gonna end up being a reality" ... so maybe that's what he was trying to do ... and apparently he failed ... bigtime. and maybe this just means something.

Another troubling theory is that he hasn't actually failed ... he's just going after the wrong things. he might already know that things won't work ... but he's just too weak, broken, and needy to resist getting a feeling he's been striving for for years... even if that feeling is temporary ... so maybe he's just after a temporary remedy ... anything to make him believe he's nothing like he was made to feel about himself throughout the past few years of his life ... something to kill a serious self-doubting feeling that's killing him inside every day.

Another even more troubling fact is, if he's to be put in the same place he would do it all over again ... the most troubling fact of all is that it's not certain if it's because of her or because of him ... meaning if it's someone else he probably would've done the same ...

so is it the general need to cure a burning instinctual desire? or is the need for her? he now knows his feelings aren't dead ... but at the same he's out of trust. He can't act upon how he feels or he's doomed to be fucked all over again. People don't change ... life proved it to him over and over and over again... why doesn't he ever lose the urge to test these theories?? or is it the childish animal's constant pursuit of his ever flaming fantasy?? or is it just not wanting to throw years of working for something that now logically seems impossible to work??

she got to him this time ... again ... she got to his head ... again ... but he caught a lie ... one that he can't call though ... but he did catch a lie ... a serious one as well ... and still he's tempted ...

ok i can lose my grip and stop the reason now ... get a grip u weak little FUCK!!!???

and still i want this ... i don't know if it's her or anyone or me or what!!!

ok forget about me ... it wouldn't be fair for her ... but the trick is ... she knows everything i think ... i made it extremely clear ...

the same very wise person also told me "you can't appoint yourself responsible for other people's mistakes ... they are responsible for them. Life can never be about YOU that much" ...

the only logical solution is not to act upon anything ... not with this mindset ... and not with this level of instability ... not with how fucked up i am inside... a wise person said that's being a coward. But that's the only way the outcome could be safe. that's if i'm strong enough to abide by it ...

weak and cowardly ... interesting mixture ... really ... A & Souad were possibly right about that one!

would it work to just call it a lengthy recovery so i can feel better about myself??

is it?? is it not?? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??!





am i THAT lonely and starving for anything that makes me feel desired in any way?? is that it? is that how pathetic i am?? ... and in the middle of it all ... she calls me predictable ... and now i feel more pathetic!