Three

Someone once told me not to try with the same person more than three times when it comes to anything ... whether it's calling that person ... asking him for something ... or even trying to initiate a conversation.
It's funny how the number three constitutes a major part of my life... it seems like everything comes in three ... everything is triangular ... and i'm becoming extremely obsessed...

Gas Hed Marches On

My Results are out!!
I achieved one of my two goals, which is to get an A+ on my graduation project. However my other goal of not flunking anything was a failure because of a stupid subject called (Fuzzy Control Systems) ... so i'm now graduating in November isA

I don't feel bad at all actually ... not good either ... there's this feeling of indifference growing over me for some reason. However i'm proud of the A+ in the project, first because i know i worked my butt off to earn it and second, because my team consisted of only me and one partner. and we practically did most of the work together. And it again proves to me that i could do a hell lot better if i were to be put in a more practical environment. my self image is restored :)

now i have to strategize what i'm gonna do with my life for the next year... until i know where i stand from the military ... ed3ooly

song of the day: Live ~ Gas Hed Goes West (will shortly be posted on the e-group)

Back from the deep blue

I seriously can't think of another time inwhich my mood is any better than the time i'm on a diving trip or just returned from one. and i can sure say that this year's big trip was amazing.
Destinations were Brothers Islands and Daedalus Reef, around 10 hours by boat off Marsa Allam in the south of the Egyptian Red Sea coast.
my underwater camera wasn't working:( but the sharks were so active that i actually was able to take a few shots using Nickie, so i'm still happy :)

conclusions:
- Sharks are really some of the most beautiful and graceful creatures on this planet
- Nature is not to be tampered with (we were actually caught up in a current so strong that we were flapping like flags holding on to a line, as in our bodies were thrown back and forth)
- My dreams of owning a nice boat to live on in the Red Sea have to come true one day
- Sob7an Allah
- Love is a seriously tricky issue


now i'm back to the noisy busy life of Cairo... back to the pressure ... to fixing ka3boora and waiting for my results (which rumor has it's coming out tomorrow), and looking for yet another job cause i'm now flat broke ... again...
but this time i feel refreshed and that i can totally take it on ... everything will eventually pass ...

one of my fav. bloggers ends his posts by "Sooner or later we all fall down" ... i just feel like adding something to the end of it ... "eventually we get up again" ...

I Want

For some reason and despite my recently going through something similar, this post from D got to me. and to these things she mentioned i add to myself the following:
I want a sense of stability in my family and to feel good about my dad

I want to enjoy the things i have to the most without being burdened by wanting more, in other sense i got lots of things i've always dreamt of having the past 6 months, it's about time i appreciate it.

I want to lose weight

I want to play music again

I want to listen to Muse's "ruled by secrecy" all night long and until i sleep.

I want unconditional love without worrying what's next

I want my own place ... and my own space ... and my own life

I want control ... and self sufficiency

Dear Anonymous

Thanks for your voice of wisdom, it's really appreciated.
I'm sorry you were alarmed by the negativity in this blog. However, it's normal that you find that it has too much complaints. The purpose of it actually is to just vent the negative side out so i can focus and function in my real (non-cyber) world.
So don't be alarmed, there are other better sides of me that you won't find out through this blog ... unfortunately the only things that get here are the ickiest and the worst.

thanks for passing by, and more negativity coming up your way soon :P

right when i feel everything's goin well and i can breathe ... it all gets fucked even worse than before...


allahomma la3teraad

I NEED

A good conversation where i can rant without being ridiculed and without having everything i believe is right be talked about as if it's complete nonesense

To seek support where i can actually find it

Not to lose hope in the fact that such a thing might actually exist

masks anyone??

One amazing characteristic of humans is how righteously fake they can be... not towards others, but even towards their own selves. I discovered i was i few days back ... and today i concluded i'm not in my own in this particular category.
Some claim the worship or love noone but love in itself, which is a great thing to hear. They base lots of their words upon that, theories, views ... a whole mask of a personality ... but it ends at that. Actions speak louder ... reactions scream in an even more deafening manner.
A year ago i would've really condemned such a thing and called it selfish... but looking deeper and from what i've seen lately ... we are all that same person. We all go around wearing masks that cover the face of the person we fear from the most ... ourselves. If we see that person and look him in the eye, we will see all his weaknesses and vulnerabilities ... our weaknesses and vulnerabilities ... and we never ... EVER ... wanna go there. We claim we're strong, we do lots of things to make us believe we do but we don't ... and i personally i'm one of the prime suspects guilty of that.
truth's a bitch ... so we lie ... to ourselves mostly ... but we lie ...

right now i need to remember one fulfilled promise ....

longing?

the anti-people person who's been me for a coupla days suddenly misses lots of unrelated people!!

i just don't get it


Listening to : Jack's Mannequin ~ The Mixed Tape

Tell me please
Who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was it something that I couldn't see?
Never knew this would be so political
And please
I'm still wearing this miserable skin
And it's starting to tear from within
But it's obvious that doesn't bother you
So please
Don't keep telling me that it's okay
I don't buy all the shit that you say
And quite honestly I'm fucking sick of it
So please
If I cut off this nose from my face
Then I wouldn't feel so out of place
But it still wouldn't be quite enough for you
So please




Staind ~ Please

peace please

today has by all means been just about total nothing ... i slept most of it ... feeling the space and the whole nothingness of what i have to be doing ... i miss being just lazy, even if it gets boring half a day later. I need this peace.
Peace and quietness is all i need actually ... i need to have things go my way ... without interference or noise ... i need to just let go ... of everything in my head ... and heart.
i'm not out of angst ... but i just want to shut it off for one night. i can't bare a single person trying to force anything on me, whether it's a place to go, or a time inwhich we're going ... i wanna just chill ...
i'm not up for any complications ... i'm by all means anti-7waraat today .. and yesterday and tomorrow and anytime soon...
yesterday i went out with a few friends, supposedly to celebrate my being done with college ... and i didn't enjoy it at all ... there's always something someone is bitching about ... the job ... the time ... the waiter ... the prices ... not to mention that it was THEIR choice of place... and THEIR choice of timing ... THEIR recommended plates ... none of this was mine ... wasn't this my celebration?? and then another was just acting as noisy and obnoxious as he could ... it was just too much ...
i .... neeed ... peace .... and quietness ...

nothing more ....

not a message when i wake up angry at my not answering my cell when i were asleep ... not a message wishing me luck with my life just because i'm too tired to go out the next morning ...
when the hell did everyone either turn obnoxious or bitchy??

kefaaya 7waraat ... w sodaa3 ...

kefaaya

Done

انهارده خلاص ناقشت مشروعي و نمت و حسيت بالفراغ :)

con-fused

it seems that i can't fall in love with anything that ain't hazardous to me by all means of common sense ....
it seems that i can't try the hardest except for the things that seem too impossible ...
it seems i can't believe except in the unbelievable ...

and i just can't stop ... cause i do believe ...

eventually all falls down on my head ... and i just pick myself up ... and move on ... as in keep going ... doing the same thing i believe in ...

and i can't stop believing ... i just can't

Another Kov?

today i discovered there was another Kov on this planet!! :@
yeah yeah as if it was an impossibility ... yes he resides on a totally different corner of the planet, Brasil, but yet again ... that SUCKS!!!

sorry man if u ever come across this ... i've always valued my uniqueness:P

So I was in a birthday in Azhar Park a few weeks back .. and my cam was still new'n'all so i went early to take pictures... i spent most of the birthday just taking portraits of the people around me ... and blinding them with my flash while at it :D.
I noticed this little girl in the table behind us. She had the deepest eyes i've ever seen in a kid. She was really curious about what i was doing. She watched really curiously as i focused and played with the camera taking pictures of everyone ... but if i turn it towards her, she just dodges or gracefully just looks in another direction and act all not interested. I moved around and pretended i was shooting my friend, out on the zoom lens and zoomed in real hard to get HER instead of HIM.
weeks later i take a look at the pics again and find her picture ... and i believe it's one of the very best portraits i've ever taken!!
i was too embarrassed to walk to her parents' table and ask them for any means by which i can send them the pic ... but seriously now if i had those means i would have.
ladies and gents ... the girl that drove my camera insane:

TALLA3ET 2OMAAAAASH!!!!

After months and months of work, research, development, debugging, testing, more work, and more debugging and testing ... i can finally say ... our graduation program finally talla3 2omaaash!!!! :D

I still hate J2ME (The programming language ya Jade :P) ... and i still hate computer engineering .. but hey .... TALLA3ET 2OMAAASH!!!!

now i have less than 48 hours to finish off the documentation :) but hey ... TALLA3ET 2OMAAAAASH!!!!!

A Little Brush of Reality

After yesterday's revelations, my head wouldn't stop. Souad says it's normal and human. I think it's against everything I was trying to be. Souad thinks i'm stupid for not noticing it all along ... I swear I didn't. If I had lied, i didn't know i had. Everything felt real ... every single time... but the truth was apparently different.
And now I remember every single look my best buddy gave me for the past two years everytime i told him A was in fact for real but the problem was the timing of it in the middle of everything that was going on i couldn't just give it what i could and she had the right not to handle it and i was too late in my recovery.
he gave me those extremely sarcastic looks as if i were the most stupid human alive .... and i hated it ...

God this subconscious is unbelievable! is it like a totally different person inside of us?? with a mind of its own (i can't call it a he or i'll go insane)?? or am i starting to burn a few fuses in the head??

Anyways ... so what's next? They say the first step in solving anything is admitting it. I admit i am extremely immature, and extremely stupid in my understanding of life, relationships, people, and i could even add selfish. I am a person who has no self control whatsoever and who should have enough strength to use his head and actually act upon it. I can reach certain states of denial that are truly unbelievable ... i myself cannot believe it till now ... and my denial can last for years...

I need to start calling my own bluffs.

The wise fishy told me that even if you can't stop (which she believes is totally human as well) at least be honest about it ... i wish i were a little bit less of a perfectionist.

To end this i need to send a message to two particular great people.

Dear A and Souad,
I know I have already called you both to say this, but i guess i didn't get the message through properly. I am seriously and sincerely sorry. I should've been more honest to myself and to you in times which i obviously wasn't. My denial had obviously beat my own common sense and sense of judgment. I swear none of this was obvious to me as it apparently was to everyone else.

A,
Sorry again, and i want to assure you (if it matters at all) that I value you as one of THE most amazing people i've ever known, a thought that will never change, and it hurts me to see how fucked up i was to lose that.

Souad,
You're totally unbelievable in ways i cannot describe... and you're a hell lot wiser than you should be. And I hope you don't go away.


yours,
Kov

!!

So on his first brush he just breaks?! he usually kicks his own ass when he feels like that but he decided to take a calmer more reasonable approach to things this time.
He's just done something he didn't think he would ever have done ... he felt things he never thought he'd feel again ... he just broke in ways that defy everything he's been doing for numerous months ... he just can't explain ... actually it's very explainable but it's the reasons behind it all that are questionable.

The only solid conclusion he can reach is: This is not over ... and it has never been ... and i've been just fooling myself. Or not feeling myself, maybe trying to make myself believe in something else. One very wise person once told him "if u believe in something for long enough, it's gonna end up being a reality" ... so maybe that's what he was trying to do ... and apparently he failed ... bigtime. and maybe this just means something.

Another troubling theory is that he hasn't actually failed ... he's just going after the wrong things. he might already know that things won't work ... but he's just too weak, broken, and needy to resist getting a feeling he's been striving for for years... even if that feeling is temporary ... so maybe he's just after a temporary remedy ... anything to make him believe he's nothing like he was made to feel about himself throughout the past few years of his life ... something to kill a serious self-doubting feeling that's killing him inside every day.

Another even more troubling fact is, if he's to be put in the same place he would do it all over again ... the most troubling fact of all is that it's not certain if it's because of her or because of him ... meaning if it's someone else he probably would've done the same ...

so is it the general need to cure a burning instinctual desire? or is the need for her? he now knows his feelings aren't dead ... but at the same he's out of trust. He can't act upon how he feels or he's doomed to be fucked all over again. People don't change ... life proved it to him over and over and over again... why doesn't he ever lose the urge to test these theories?? or is it the childish animal's constant pursuit of his ever flaming fantasy?? or is it just not wanting to throw years of working for something that now logically seems impossible to work??

she got to him this time ... again ... she got to his head ... again ... but he caught a lie ... one that he can't call though ... but he did catch a lie ... a serious one as well ... and still he's tempted ...

ok i can lose my grip and stop the reason now ... get a grip u weak little FUCK!!!???

and still i want this ... i don't know if it's her or anyone or me or what!!!

ok forget about me ... it wouldn't be fair for her ... but the trick is ... she knows everything i think ... i made it extremely clear ...

the same very wise person also told me "you can't appoint yourself responsible for other people's mistakes ... they are responsible for them. Life can never be about YOU that much" ...

the only logical solution is not to act upon anything ... not with this mindset ... and not with this level of instability ... not with how fucked up i am inside... a wise person said that's being a coward. But that's the only way the outcome could be safe. that's if i'm strong enough to abide by it ...

weak and cowardly ... interesting mixture ... really ... A & Souad were possibly right about that one!

would it work to just call it a lengthy recovery so i can feel better about myself??

is it?? is it not?? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??!





am i THAT lonely and starving for anything that makes me feel desired in any way?? is that it? is that how pathetic i am?? ... and in the middle of it all ... she calls me predictable ... and now i feel more pathetic!