ok .. i take it back

So, what i expected did happen, and this phase all started... The problem is, i'm not really enjoying it as i expected. I guess i couldn't be the mean by nature after all.
I am feeling better thanks God, though my days are nothing but productive. I oversleep everyday and eventually miss college, as everything else that could be missed thanks to Ramadan's excellent schedule.
Another good thing is, i started working again :) ... a very small temporary job that won't even last a month but as they say in Egypt .. yalla aho mas7 zoor... so it takes some stress off ...
another good side effect of it is i think i'm becoming really good at teaching ... i might actually consider it for a carreer :D

yalla i'll c u all later

Backstabbing tricks

Ever acted so much against what you really wanted that it ended up stabbing you in the back? Ever played hard to get? Ever rejected something you wanted so much and ended up losing it because of that?
It's funny how a lie always come back to bite you in the ass. And it's funny when you're in the shoes to laugh at it. It's just stupid how a person can do the SAME mistake over and over and over ... It's also stupid how some have a pattern to repeat on that matter and then after each single one of them all they do is say "I'm sorry". Finally, it's funny there's always a reason for it all, and it's the same useless reason of all the previous times.
All i can do now is sit and wait. My time will come, and GOD I'm gonna enjoy this.

Song of the Day, Week, Month and even Lifetime ... The one that REALLY carved itself on my favorites list... isn't but the same one as yesterday's
Our Lady Peace ~ Wipe That Smile Off Your Face

Another Day Has Passed

I'm trying to keep this daily as much as i can ... helps me train on organizing my thoughts... Sometimes i read other people's blogs and envy them for how they write, i wish i could write that way... but then again, i'm only here to vent bad thoughts and shit in my life when there's nowhere else to go.
Today wasn't that bad though, I woke up real late to do anything, i went for Iftar at my uncle's and then out a bit with my cousins. Later i took ka3boora for a quick checkup in order to determine my upcoming steps ka3boora time (ka3boora's my beloved ' 90 VW convertible for which i allocate regular time and money for fixing). I was accompanied by Wessam, my great friend whom i don't give the deserved credit most of the time ... so i take the chance to thank him for being there.
Emotionally now, my day was quite turbulent, i'm still bombarding my self with a zillion questions for which i can't find one answer that doesn't drive resentment into my heart... I'm still feeling bitter ... and despite all that, i believe i'm going about the right way ... and that sooner or later i will feel better. I also believe that life will prove its fairness to me sooner or later...
What goes around comes around ... one person always used to tell me that ... it's funny how i'm waiting for it to come around to them now :D

anywayz ... I would like to recommend yet another song to anyone reading this ... the song's called "Wipe that smile off your face" and it's played by one of my favorite bands of all time, Our Lady Peace

ENERGY OUT

Tonight i feel much better ... calmer ... less bitter. Although I still am not forgiving anything ... and don't think i will in a long time.
I owe my great feeling to Wessam, Ghaleb, and Rage Against the Machine.

Wessam: you might not believe it bass finding something wrong DID make me feel more satisfied and comfortable about everything ... although I still bardo cannot forgive all the illusions made.

Ghaleb: Thanks for bringing up that jam thing ... i needed to let out all this Energy

Rage: well ... it was you i was imitating :)

Now for the story. I went today to a jam and for the first time i was vocaling! I sang only one song but my GOD my throat still hurts :D ... The song's "Killing in The Name" by Rage Against the Machine. and who knows, we might actually take it further into being a real project :D

Anyways, i'm glad it did have a great effect on me ... hope i do this again sometime

I know ... I'm convinced ... i've learnt ... i wish

yesterday i had a conversation i didn't want to have. I mean God i was doing i can all day so as not to think or talk about this. But i did anywayz. but i was lucky to have it with a good friend of mine. But i guess that wasn't the only thing i was lucky for.
The outcome of this conversation, to me, was just being more convinced with my life, and what i've learnt over the past period more convinced of how i want things to be. More convinced of how i was wrong to make the mistakes i made, and that i should learn from them. It got me convinced that next time it should take me less than 4 years to deduce that something/someone is just not worth it. That i should not compromise for the sake of people that are selfish and not worthy of my sacrifice. I also learned that no matter what you do, some people might not ever change. Even if they are the shittiest of characters having the brightest of soles... even if they know they're wrong and know what's right... logic of wrong and right is not what makes this world go round, and some people are just too fucked up in their heads to go by it that they prefer to stay in their shitholes for life... and most of all ... i learned and i wish that i would NEVER be such a person.
Last but not least, i learned that everyone does get what they deserve in some twisted way or the other. Karma does exist, and sometimes it works its magic without you noticing or linking stuff together, it can hurt you in totally unrelated issues than the one you were wrong at ... I sincerely wish for this to go on ... in more twisted ways maybe.

Yet another day... yet another day ...

Why on earth do i spend more time thinking of a title for this thing than that spent in writing it. If i would grade myself on the first day of my new resolution i would say give myself a 7. Not such a bad start is it?? i guess the shock phase is wearing off and it's time for the real thing ... that's about the time i start cracking ... i would give the old me just a couple of days, i just hope this goes differently.
I'm already into the third season of One Tree Hill. I don't know why i absolutely love this series, whether the show itself or the soundtrack, or how they both go together. I already downloaded and watched the first two seasons and currently in the third episode of the third.
and now i don't know what else i could say ... i just feel weird ...
In such weird time, there's always a song to cheer me up:
Song of Today: Citizen Cope ~ Son's Gonna Rise

The Essential Crumbling

How do i start this?
well ... someone i know always tells me this country has to all burn down and be rebuilt 3ala nadaaffa. The first time i heard this it felt kind of weird, "why does it have to burn all the way down to be rebuilt? can't you just fix it the way it is without destroying it? and he would say NO. When things are so fucked up beyond a certain level, it's easier to just build a new one than fix it ... it's like crashing a car so bad it's beyond repair.
These days made me the most i can ever be convinced with this idea... but just not about my country, but about my life as a whole. For now i can say, i have reached rock bottom!
I'm jobless, i'm broke, i can't organize my time, i discovered that the person i loved the most in this world can do nothing but fuck me over, in short ... there's not an aspect of my life that's close to being good... really, i can't ever recall my being more pressured or feeling worse in my whole life.
but then again, i guess it's a chance to start over and turn the whole thing around ... act the way you should and make all you can out of it. you meen?? ana me. somehow that needs me to change half my habits and attitude ... but then again i went to a play all by myself today and had a blast ... who could've imagined that??!! as trivial as it is, it's a good start... i do believe so.
God help me ... help me be a better person and be closer to you ... as i admit this is one of the hardest things for me to maintain... and i'm sorry.

p.s. a person i had a bad fallout with once da3et 3alayya da3wa for me to get what i deserve ... is that it?? having my whole life crumble down that way??
despite my not being convinced with the particular wrong doing leading to this da3wa, i guess maybe it is ... and afterall, this would also mean that i deserve to turn it back around.
in all cases whether i'm convinced with this particular thing or not .. i'm sorry ... i sort of know now exactly what it feels like ... i sincerely am.