oh well...

OK, So this is gonna come out extremely unorganized ... My head doesn't wanna switch off and at the same time i just can't make it slow down so i can grasp the thoughts to put them down in here...
I'm scared ... I'm scared of my subconscience ... because it's currently what i'm blaming everything i do on ... i just can't have any control over me and my head any more ...
I AM a kid ... i'm scared of growing up ... i've had to put myself in places of responsibility several times, i didn't do bad but i just don't want to remain in this place for good ... while life proves to me that it always gets worse, especially when it comes to that. I'm scared of life ... I feel small ... and i don't want to even consider whether or not i could handle it.
An ex-girfriend told me once that i'm too weak in a person ... and that i'm just a kid and should be more mature ... now i see she wasn't wrong ... but am doubtful whether or not i should still take it as an insult ...
i might just be in denial to shelter myself from all this crap ...
Why do I have to grow up???
Fuck this subconscious crap and insecurities .... !