I picked the onion

yesterday was yet another day of not-so-nice revelations.
I rediscovered for the zillionth time that i had picked the onion ...
and rediscovered that i shouldn't place myself in certain positions in people's lives. I'm higher than to do that myself ...
you know my name ... you know my number ... i should not be interested more than that in trying if you people are not even giving it a shot.
as for you ayat, i started it off with you ... and i now certainly know where we're headed and how this is all destined to be. all i can say is ... i'd be a total fool to make the same mistake a zillion times in a row ... or wait ... i already did that. So, in rephrasing my terms, i'd be more of a fool to do this again :).

today marks a new page, and a start of a new chapter in my life.

i'm thankful i cleaned out my closet yesterday :)

Song of the week: Pink Floyd ~ Comfortably Numb (the version from PULSE)

Grown Up?!

If you've known me quite well so far, you'll probably know that one of my major problems is life is with growing up. Some people say i'm mature, some people (including myself) think i'm just a kid that's so stuck in his childhood and will never go anywhere.
Problem is, the way life goes as a person grows up forces him into more and more situations in which he has to act like a mature person ... and those are the particular times that i hate. But when it came today ... i didn't just hate it, it struck me when i contemplated the actions of other 'grown ups' around me in the situation ...
There's no such thing as a grown up!!!!
Maturity does not exist!!!
Human Logic is a myth!!!
HURRAY!!! i shouldn't be mad at myself for not growing past where i am! if those people are that old and doing this then maybe i am at the top of the freakin pyramid already!
there's only being smart and being dumb ... being knowledgeable and being ignorant ... that's what it's all about!
if not then well ... my God this world is such a weird place!


dedicated to all of you!


Track of the day: Nine Inch Nails ~ Just Like You Imagined
tip: don't listen to it with low volume! and just try to dissolve in it and you'll be fine

A Little Bit Of Ordinarity (if that's even a word)

subconscious flow

a friend of mine wrote an interesting note that i totally related to today ... about those feelings that overwhelm us for no logical reason ... i can say i related to it at first, but just a minute ago it struck me. No i don't ... and once again i'm blaming it on my subconscious...
our subconscious mind is a very mighty and devious thing. i don't mean to dramatize it, but it really is.
I just had one of those moments of overwhelmment and i instantly remembered her. This time it was not a feeling of joy, it was total bitterness, like a huge big dark cloud has just set upon me. This time i decided to focus and find the reason. a low voice was singing in the background "call your name everyday ... when i feel so helpless ... i'm falling down ... but i'll rise above this" ... i never even knew the song was playing ... but upon realising that i started feeling so lonely i could die!
could it be true that our subconscious just works on it's own ... like i'm two similar people in one body but with each acting in it's own separate direction???
i think it might be true ... anyways ... it led me to seriously doubt that feelings come for no reason. and now i don't know any more ....
all i can say is ... thanks again my great friendly subconscious piece of shit for reminding me cause now i can't stop think of how lonely i feel tonight.

have a good night

stop pushing your luck

keep pushing your senseless crap and making fun of every other thing that makes sense and then maybe i'll just wake up to my senses and totally shut you and your nonsense out... cause i definitely didn't need it back then ... and i don't need it now. Especially if i'm not wrong at all.

Believe it or not ... i've never been a huge fan of GreenDay. Somehow though, i found myself singing this song continuously a little while after i woke up, and now it's put on consecutive repeats on my list ...
Song of the day ladies and gentlemen is GreenDay's "Wake Me Up When September Ends"

p.s. these guys have seriously matured (musically) in their last album .... boulevard of broken dreams also rocks.

oh well...

OK, So this is gonna come out extremely unorganized ... My head doesn't wanna switch off and at the same time i just can't make it slow down so i can grasp the thoughts to put them down in here...
I'm scared ... I'm scared of my subconscience ... because it's currently what i'm blaming everything i do on ... i just can't have any control over me and my head any more ...
I AM a kid ... i'm scared of growing up ... i've had to put myself in places of responsibility several times, i didn't do bad but i just don't want to remain in this place for good ... while life proves to me that it always gets worse, especially when it comes to that. I'm scared of life ... I feel small ... and i don't want to even consider whether or not i could handle it.
An ex-girfriend told me once that i'm too weak in a person ... and that i'm just a kid and should be more mature ... now i see she wasn't wrong ... but am doubtful whether or not i should still take it as an insult ...
i might just be in denial to shelter myself from all this crap ...
Why do I have to grow up???
Fuck this subconscious crap and insecurities .... !