Sunday, March 1, 2009

On Past

well i guess there's always a reason to call it the PAST right? like it's gone? or at least that's what i'd love to think.
Someone always told me what you do will always come and bite you in the ass. I tried to reject the idea but it always came back. So here's why i mostly tried to shut it off.

For the past two years i've been going downhill in my life. Yes i've achieved things, but i had to go through an amazing number of fuckups and wrong decisions in order to achieve what i've achieved or to get where i am. Simply where i am and what i've achieved was to try not be that person i've been and stop fucking up (and maybe around) the way i used to. And that's what drove me forward.

The trick in this is for it to be actually over. Cause dwelling on it or focusing on it would mean you stop building that different person and go over each and every fuck up one at a time. which can never be a good thing. Cause a fresh start means you throw all this shit away and build it clean.

As for the consequences of sharing the details of my actions or whatever it is that i did. Yes i do appreciate that maybe some people may have right to know, but i just never knew what good it would make.

The way i see it, it wouldn't be past anymore. And if that past is to come to the present then it'll probably screw up everything you're working on. So maybe it's a better idea to let it remain in the past. and that's for the better of both parties. So how is that selfish?

I admit i fucked up badly ... like worse than anyone could. But at the same time, it was because of those fuckups that i realized it was not the way things should be. And it's because of them that i realized what i really want in life. I don't want to be THIS. The way i was the past few years. And i don't think i would've had the image of the person i truly want to be had i not been different... even for a while.

I want to be good ... I want to focus on the worthy things that really matter and work for them ... And i haven't always been that way i know. I just don't want my not having been that way all my life screw up the chances for this ever happening. And that's why i kept my fuckups to myself.

Lord have mercy on me...

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