I picked the onion

yesterday was yet another day of not-so-nice revelations.
I rediscovered for the zillionth time that i had picked the onion ...
and rediscovered that i shouldn't place myself in certain positions in people's lives. I'm higher than to do that myself ...
you know my name ... you know my number ... i should not be interested more than that in trying if you people are not even giving it a shot.
as for you ayat, i started it off with you ... and i now certainly know where we're headed and how this is all destined to be. all i can say is ... i'd be a total fool to make the same mistake a zillion times in a row ... or wait ... i already did that. So, in rephrasing my terms, i'd be more of a fool to do this again :).

today marks a new page, and a start of a new chapter in my life.

i'm thankful i cleaned out my closet yesterday :)

Song of the week: Pink Floyd ~ Comfortably Numb (the version from PULSE)

Grown Up?!

If you've known me quite well so far, you'll probably know that one of my major problems is life is with growing up. Some people say i'm mature, some people (including myself) think i'm just a kid that's so stuck in his childhood and will never go anywhere.
Problem is, the way life goes as a person grows up forces him into more and more situations in which he has to act like a mature person ... and those are the particular times that i hate. But when it came today ... i didn't just hate it, it struck me when i contemplated the actions of other 'grown ups' around me in the situation ...
There's no such thing as a grown up!!!!
Maturity does not exist!!!
Human Logic is a myth!!!
HURRAY!!! i shouldn't be mad at myself for not growing past where i am! if those people are that old and doing this then maybe i am at the top of the freakin pyramid already!
there's only being smart and being dumb ... being knowledgeable and being ignorant ... that's what it's all about!
if not then well ... my God this world is such a weird place!


dedicated to all of you!


Track of the day: Nine Inch Nails ~ Just Like You Imagined
tip: don't listen to it with low volume! and just try to dissolve in it and you'll be fine

A Little Bit Of Ordinarity (if that's even a word)

subconscious flow

a friend of mine wrote an interesting note that i totally related to today ... about those feelings that overwhelm us for no logical reason ... i can say i related to it at first, but just a minute ago it struck me. No i don't ... and once again i'm blaming it on my subconscious...
our subconscious mind is a very mighty and devious thing. i don't mean to dramatize it, but it really is.
I just had one of those moments of overwhelmment and i instantly remembered her. This time it was not a feeling of joy, it was total bitterness, like a huge big dark cloud has just set upon me. This time i decided to focus and find the reason. a low voice was singing in the background "call your name everyday ... when i feel so helpless ... i'm falling down ... but i'll rise above this" ... i never even knew the song was playing ... but upon realising that i started feeling so lonely i could die!
could it be true that our subconscious just works on it's own ... like i'm two similar people in one body but with each acting in it's own separate direction???
i think it might be true ... anyways ... it led me to seriously doubt that feelings come for no reason. and now i don't know any more ....
all i can say is ... thanks again my great friendly subconscious piece of shit for reminding me cause now i can't stop think of how lonely i feel tonight.

have a good night

stop pushing your luck

keep pushing your senseless crap and making fun of every other thing that makes sense and then maybe i'll just wake up to my senses and totally shut you and your nonsense out... cause i definitely didn't need it back then ... and i don't need it now. Especially if i'm not wrong at all.

Believe it or not ... i've never been a huge fan of GreenDay. Somehow though, i found myself singing this song continuously a little while after i woke up, and now it's put on consecutive repeats on my list ...
Song of the day ladies and gentlemen is GreenDay's "Wake Me Up When September Ends"

p.s. these guys have seriously matured (musically) in their last album .... boulevard of broken dreams also rocks.

oh well...

OK, So this is gonna come out extremely unorganized ... My head doesn't wanna switch off and at the same time i just can't make it slow down so i can grasp the thoughts to put them down in here...
I'm scared ... I'm scared of my subconscience ... because it's currently what i'm blaming everything i do on ... i just can't have any control over me and my head any more ...
I AM a kid ... i'm scared of growing up ... i've had to put myself in places of responsibility several times, i didn't do bad but i just don't want to remain in this place for good ... while life proves to me that it always gets worse, especially when it comes to that. I'm scared of life ... I feel small ... and i don't want to even consider whether or not i could handle it.
An ex-girfriend told me once that i'm too weak in a person ... and that i'm just a kid and should be more mature ... now i see she wasn't wrong ... but am doubtful whether or not i should still take it as an insult ...
i might just be in denial to shelter myself from all this crap ...
Why do I have to grow up???
Fuck this subconscious crap and insecurities .... !

Fuck the System

Lamma tet3amel zayy el 7'ara 3ashan enta fbaladak malaksh 2eema wala karaama ... yeb2a enta masry ...
lamma yetalla3o deenak fel mataar 3ashan betnazzel shonatak we gambak el hay2a el syaseyya yedrabolha meet ta3zeem salaam te3raf ennak massry ...
mal3oon abol nezaam fel balad dy 3ala abo elly maskeeno ...
that's my own opinion i sure know is shared by many out there ... and don't think it will ever change.... feel like getting a machine gun and shooting up all those who claim to be keeping the system in the streets ... seriously ... FUCK YOU ALL!!!!

Weak

I guess one shall stop fighting it and pretending he's never there ...
Yes I do feel weak ... I do feel vulnerable ...
I wish I could the spend the night talking to someone over the phone ... maybe even have someone in my arms ... or vice versa ... so fucking what?
Yes I do feel lonely ...
And I admit all that ...
that doesn't make me desperate or gay ... in fact if someone thinks that's wrong then THEY themselves have a problem ...
Sue me for being human

Music of the day: Massive Attack (mostly 'false flags', 'live with me' and 'angel')

Distributed Crap

I hate theoretical subjects ... and that's exactly what tomorrow's subject is all about ... theoretical crap!!! I've been reading my ass off but it just won't sink in ... i finished the goddamned thing yesterday yet i can't do shit with it ... i have just the following few hours to repair all this shit ... i need your prayers bigtime :(

in the middle of all this i don't know what's up with Seether and me ... i can't stop listening to this album ... i swear i hated it the first time i heard it ... well not hated it but at least i didn't like it that much ... and now i can't get enough ... track of the day: Walk Away From The Sun ... i don't think it should go on the group though so check it out on your own

WE INVENTED SOMETHING!!!!

Every civilization has inventions that mark them ... that are only theirs ... driven by their own traditions and lifestyle ... need is the mother of inventions (literal translation of el 7aaga omm el e7'teraa3) ... and all ... anyways.
The asians have their chopsticks out of how much bamboo they have lying around ... they made their houses from paper and light wood so it doesn't hurt them each time they fall in an earthquake ... the arctic people live in igloos while some tribes in Africa have houses that are built of shit! it's what you have around you that drives your creativity ...
and with that thought in mind ... i wonder ... how are we the only people on this planet to invent the shattaafa??!! (we don't just wipe, we wash :) could it actually be that this invention of a small water tube inside your toilet that brings water right to your @$$ to wash it is purely Egyptian??!!!
i don't care about how the inspiration came from and how the R&D was made for it (only hawarey will pro'lly understand what i mean by this) as long as we have an invention in our name ...
i'm proud of my Egyptian nation ... the nation of the SHATTAAFA!!!!

Happy New Year ... Indeed

All i can tell 2008 right now ... is 'estaba7na w saba7 el Molk Lellah' ... or was that directed at 2007 when it's just saying goodbye to me??? anywayz ... it's been a really rough night ...
Happy New Year