OK ... More than one line

I stare at the screen, still unable to sleep, wondering when i'll ever be ... all i can see on the screen is a green dot ... one green dot, a dot that's sentencing my brain back to it's misery.
It's the first time i can call it misery of the brain and not just the heart, because it just doesn't make sense. There's not a single thing i can't address a 'How' question to ... and it just sucks.
The only conclusion i can reach is that I've been living a lie. One ... Big ... Fat ... Lie. and it was like the hundredth time i live it ... the same ... exact ... lie.
The ironic thing is that in every move you make trying to prove yourself not to be a liar, you just prove it again ... and again ... and again... when will this ever stop?? Everything you say doesn't add up, everything you do doesn't make sense, and when both things come together, i realize how used i am.
You do someone wrong, then you blame it on them. They prove you wrong and you apologize. You try to justify but it's of no sense or conviction. Then you act all convinced and pretend to sincerely apologize. Just to cancel those apologies by going through the whole series of justifications that always include table turning and accusations. And you end up having the same discussion of the night before with the same conclusions and ending by the same fake apologies. but this time you add a bit of acting hurt into it ... i wonder what will happen tomorrow.
Then i wonder why. Is it that you love hurting me that much? Is it that you love doing it in the same exact particular way? Is it that you love proving to me that i'm just a toy or ornament that only serves to your self satisfaction and fulfillment? if this doesn't make sense then why the hell does it always happen in the same way over and over and over again?? I'm dying for one that's different. I actually wish i could feel another bad feeling that would break my heart, just please let it be a different one this time.
How come your making up has to include an accusation? How come you'd always rather throw a justification/accusation that you later describe yourself as meaningless? How come is it that when you totally fuck me over and I'm hurt, the only thing you can do is ignore it and focus only on yourself? How come is it that you'd rather give up when the consequences of what you do get so bad than ever fight for me?
Is that even considered as making up? are you actually trying to make it up or are you just patching up your little puppet that you tore just to go around tearing it over all again from the very beginning?
The funny thing is I always forgive, and would've forgotten if I didn't have to be reminded by the same thing happening to me again ever so soon. and once again from you.
I guess i had started to turn into that ornament whose sole purpose is to make you feel better by possessing it. But i guess my heart's not cut out for this any more ... I'd rather refer to myself as a "HE" rather than an "It".
And for all that i should believe it when you say you love me?
No, for all that, i should hate you ... but i don't.
Thank you, and may you get what you deserve. as nothing i can do can cure this scar you left any more.
The one whose heart you broke ... again ... and again ... and again ... and again .... more than you could ever count.

ONE LINE

I wish I could really forgive and forget ... it's that every time I do that, it's followed by regret

actually i dont really wanna blog ... cause i can't get all this shit in order in my head... but a great deal of it is i'm tired of it always being there ... and always feeling that way ... at least lately ...
nothing pleases me ... and i can't please anyone that much either ... even it is then ...

FUCK THAT

Well I am warning this is going to be totally meaningless and gloomy ... I FEEL Like crap again...
This summer's been the shittiest ever ... people are developing that fakeness and stupidity syndrome somehow and it's just going worse...
they pretend to help you by passing out jobs and all that and if u look into them they're all beyond the deadlines ... all is just working to preserve that whole fake image they want of themselves in other people's eyes ... FUCK THAT!!!!
i can't stand the pressure of everything ... people ... money ... the future ... me ... why can't anything just switch off ... and the simplest most hurtful thing is that it would all be ok if anyone was actually sincere and serious instead of giving you that smile and affirmation and disappearing right after they fuck you over ... and once again i say ... FUCK THAT!!!
just give it up people, we all feel we're different. we all feel that we can't be like all those other people out there, but in the end, we all turn into those all typical Egyptian bums who usually turn into complete assholes in adult stages in their lives ... right now ... i can say it ... i am one... and i'm starting to be OK with it... FUCK IT ALL!!! and maybe you too

Wheels keep on Spinning round

Well ... i'm writing here so it's not good right? at least most pro'lly it ain't
my summer is still the worst ever outcome-wise. I'm flat broke, my car needs repair, I'm single, again, and now the person I'm apparently having the most fun being around is leaving the country for a year... hayel ...
My battles with myself are still going on and apparently i'm still losing. So i'm not really that successful at saying NO. I miss my ex everyday but i just can't deal that much without finding myself drawn into her all over again and it just won't work out ... i'll be making the same mistakes all over again. You're going to say that's a "NO" but then again i had failed for a few days and restarted it yesterday ...
The thing that's making my time more enjoyable is actually cake. Those guys' music is really lifting my spirit, which reminds me ... i need to go give drums another shot by the end of the week ...

Did i Mention that i SHAVED??!!!
after two years of abandoning the scissors i finally cut my hair ... so now i went from ponytail guy to the same old kido ... yalla mesh eshkaal :)

Happy birthday to my sis and dad ... and Noura, i'm gonna miss you like hell ... take care of you over there dear!

NO?

I've been thinking lately, mainly about my life and how i'm getting by... about my problems (mainly with my own self) ... and it hit me, as always, that my greatest of problems is that i can't restrain myself or force myself into sticking to something... I just suck at being that person who would just do the right thing despite all the pressure ... i admit it now and forever ... i usually take the easy way out of things...
This led me to another imagination ... how would life be if you don't have to go any difficulties between you and yourself to force yourself into something you should do yet you don't want to? how would life be if you don't feel that urge to get back to whatever wrong thing it is that you're supposed to be quitting?? imagine if an addict could quit just like that, if you decide your long lasting relationship is not working out and you have to end it and you can just do that without feeling the urge to get back cause you still love the person ... just imagine if it were just so easy to tell yourself "NO!"
how would life be?

i'm confused ... i'm taking the turn ... i'm confident ... i'm afraid ... i'm broken ... and this is getting very difficult ...

i need a big hug