Saturday, March 1, 2008


So apparently i'm still in this unstable emotional phase. and i should stop talking to my close friends about it as they've been giving it names that get on my nerves. "post breakup syndrome" as one's dared to say (although it's almost been 6 freaking months), and then more than one just think "Hayek ... you're just not the person who can be alone, and that's something you should work on and get used to ..."
So that particular thought left me thinking if i'm really like that?! Is this all about my not being able to stand being alone as they say? or is it that i just can't stand how stupid i am to go through four years of needless crap for nothing that's eventually worth it AND throw away some really precious things that could've actually made me happy and changed my life to the better along the way?

"ma3refet el naas konooz ya ebny" W always said ... all i can say is that, but apparently i just put them in the wrong places: bad people really close to me so they can fuck me up, and the good people i just hurt and wash away ... ma 3aleena

After i attempted to write this post a few times and ofcourse as usual i get off track alot along the way and find myself writing about something that's totally different, i decided to take a break and check one of my recent favorite blogs: Insomniac's My Oblivia. Ironically today's post was titled "Alone". Despite her describing it as "thought vomit", i just loved it. guess it makes me wish i could just let it out as clearly as she does. So i'm using this opportunity to finally add something that makes sense over here:

by Insomniac:

Alone Again, naturally

Why do people hate alone? Why do they fear alone? I don’t think alone is bad; there are much worse things.

Alone is my favorite poem by Edgar Allan Poe. Alone is what I am in every emotional moment, and I don’t hate it, nor am I afraid of it; probably because I have seen what’s worse, which is being with someone who made me yearn for being alone.

It’s been a while since I felt upset about anything lately, but of course something had to happen and change that… yesterday was the worst night in a while, and today wasn’t great either. And this is when it hit me, lying in bed holding both of my kids and trying so hard not to let myself cry; I am alone!

I didn’t want to call my aunt to rant, I didn’t want to call H for some moral support, I didn’t want to share my moment of weakness with anyone. I kept talking to myself and reassuring myself it will be ok, I know it will be, and when it does, I want it to be my own work, without anyone’s help!!

Years ago, I felt that way, and I called him thinking he was a shoulder I could cry on… and here I am right now because of that stupid notion. I am right here in this very place because I mistakenly thought he would be there for me instead of depending on myself.

Alone is not bad, alone is just fine. This is what I have to tell myself every time I feel that overwhelmed. I should not need anyone to make me feel better, I should know how to feel better on my own; this is the only way I wouldn’t get disappointed.

I did not let the negative energy consume me; I didn’t mope in my bed and let half awake sleep take advantage of me. I got up and started cleaning up; that’s the best I can do now when I am feeling angry and/or hurt, clean up! It’s funny because I am quite the messy person by nature, but now I know exactly where everything goes, it took me around an hour to fold every item of clothing back to where it belonged. And I did it because I decided to be alone, instead of running to the phone and dialing a friendly number.

Thank you for the hurtful and thoughtless words! They reminded me of all the things I had almost forgotten. They reminded me of why I so wanted to leave before, and they also reminded me that I should not expect help from anyone.

I can do it alone; I would rather do it alone than depend on someone who is bound to let me down making me feel so worthless and inadequate once they get tired of my existence or stop finding great company in my presence.


Ran said...

so you wasted 4 years in some needless crap (ur own words)
and now you are wasting more time wondring why you did that!!!

if i'm the one facing this situation you would be the first one to tell me "just let go and dun waste more time"

haijekov said...

it's not why i did that ... i know why i did that ... i was in love with someone who didn't deserve half of it... and i just kept trying and not getting any of the strict signs that kept hitting me along the way.
The things i'm really regretting and wondering why i did, are the chances i let go of for this relationship's sake ... the people i lost and hurt for the sake of someone that's just not worth it.
Eventually i know i have to let go and move on wasting no more time and all that ... that's why i'm letting it all out in here :)

thanks for stopping by dear, always a pleasure to hear from you.

Xero said...

well .. being in a 4 years relationship and just getting out of it suddenly is enough to cripple your entire life balance for some time before you can restore it .
but believe me you haven't seen the worst of being alone yet .
it seems that it's a common problem with Handasa guys around the first years in their twenties :D
i really have no solutions for loneliness as i can't find one for myself although i've been in this case for about 5 or 6 years now .
well .. all i have to say is WELCOME TO THE CLUB DUDE ..

Xero said...

just click that click and you'll know what i'm talkin about:)

insomniac said...

wow u actually quoted me, i feel important!! so much for the whole being alone theory :))

it is always a sad thing when u waste any number of your years on the wrong person! years that you can never really relive... like ran said, all the more reasons you should let them go and try to have your peace with it... speaking from personal experience, it is HARD! this is what i tell myself every time my mind hurts :) i did everything i would do for someone i love, i did everything i would want to have done to me by someone who loves me; this is who i am, and i shouldn't change it because i gave it to the wrong person.... it's wAAy easier said than done, but i would like to think it's doable!

and also xero said something very right, tho a tad depressing... ma ma3nah, enta lessa shuft 7aga... like each and every one of us, life has a lot more to show you, the good and the bad!!

finally, what you said about keeping the wrong people closer to you and washing away the right ones... i don't know why, it so reminded me of a good friend of mine, who said those words in tears... he realized that when he thought it was too late; may be it is not too late for you, at least you already know where you are and you can change (or at least try) some of the things u don't like!!

and don't let my words fool u, i mean we all need people at some point of our lives... yes ma3refet el nas kenooz, but there is always some balance where you should give ppl the support you expect of them, because u don't wanna feel like a parasite... yemken ana wakhdany karamty 7abeteen lately, but this is what i had in mind when i said alone was good; i didn't feel like i had much to offer anyone whom i would normally call for help.