So that particular thought left me thinking if i'm really like that?! Is this all about my not being able to stand being alone as they say? or is it that i just can't stand how stupid i am to go through four years of needless crap for nothing that's eventually worth it AND throw away some really precious things that could've actually made me happy and changed my life to the better along the way?
"ma3refet el naas konooz ya ebny" W always said ... all i can say is that, but apparently i just put them in the wrong places: bad people really close to me so they can fuck me up, and the good people i just hurt and wash away ... ma 3aleena
After i attempted to write this post a few times and ofcourse as usual i get off track alot along the way and find myself writing about something that's totally different, i decided to take a break and check one of my recent favorite blogs: Insomniac's My Oblivia. Ironically today's post was titled "Alone". Despite her describing it as "thought vomit", i just loved it. guess it makes me wish i could just let it out as clearly as she does. So i'm using this opportunity to finally add something that makes sense over here:
"Alone Again, naturally
Why do people hate alone? Why do they fear alone? I don’t think alone is bad; there are much worse things.
Alone is my favorite poem by Edgar Allan Poe. Alone is what I am in every emotional moment, and I don’t hate it, nor am I afraid of it; probably because I have seen what’s worse, which is being with someone who made me yearn for being alone.
It’s been a while since I felt upset about anything lately, but of course something had to happen and change that… yesterday was the worst night in a while, and today wasn’t great either. And this is when it hit me, lying in bed holding both of my kids and trying so hard not to let myself cry; I am alone!
I didn’t want to call my aunt to rant, I didn’t want to call H for some moral support, I didn’t want to share my moment of weakness with anyone. I kept talking to myself and reassuring myself it will be ok, I know it will be, and when it does, I want it to be my own work, without anyone’s help!!
Years ago, I felt that way, and I called him thinking he was a shoulder I could cry on… and here I am right now because of that stupid notion. I am right here in this very place because I mistakenly thought he would be there for me instead of depending on myself.
Alone is not bad, alone is just fine. This is what I have to tell myself every time I feel that overwhelmed. I should not need anyone to make me feel better, I should know how to feel better on my own; this is the only way I wouldn’t get disappointed.
I did not let the negative energy consume me; I didn’t mope in my bed and let half awake sleep take advantage of me. I got up and started cleaning up; that’s the best I can do now when I am feeling angry and/or hurt, clean up! It’s funny because I am quite the messy person by nature, but now I know exactly where everything goes, it took me around an hour to fold every item of clothing back to where it belonged. And I did it because I decided to be alone, instead of running to the phone and dialing a friendly number.
Thank you for the hurtful and thoughtless words! They reminded me of all the things I had almost forgotten. They reminded me of why I so wanted to leave before, and they also reminded me that I should not expect help from anyone.
I can do it alone; I would rather do it alone than depend on someone who is bound to let me down making me feel so worthless and inadequate once they get tired of my existence or stop finding great company in my presence.