Alone?!

So apparently i'm still in this unstable emotional phase. and i should stop talking to my close friends about it as they've been giving it names that get on my nerves. "post breakup syndrome" as one's dared to say (although it's almost been 6 freaking months), and then more than one just think "Hayek ... you're just not the person who can be alone, and that's something you should work on and get used to ..."
So that particular thought left me thinking if i'm really like that?! Is this all about my not being able to stand being alone as they say? or is it that i just can't stand how stupid i am to go through four years of needless crap for nothing that's eventually worth it AND throw away some really precious things that could've actually made me happy and changed my life to the better along the way?

"ma3refet el naas konooz ya ebny" W always said ... all i can say is that, but apparently i just put them in the wrong places: bad people really close to me so they can fuck me up, and the good people i just hurt and wash away ... ma 3aleena

After i attempted to write this post a few times and ofcourse as usual i get off track alot along the way and find myself writing about something that's totally different, i decided to take a break and check one of my recent favorite blogs: Insomniac's My Oblivia. Ironically today's post was titled "Alone". Despite her describing it as "thought vomit", i just loved it. guess it makes me wish i could just let it out as clearly as she does. So i'm using this opportunity to finally add something that makes sense over here:


by Insomniac:

"Alone Again, naturally

Why do people hate alone? Why do they fear alone? I don’t think alone is bad; there are much worse things.

Alone is my favorite poem by Edgar Allan Poe. Alone is what I am in every emotional moment, and I don’t hate it, nor am I afraid of it; probably because I have seen what’s worse, which is being with someone who made me yearn for being alone.

It’s been a while since I felt upset about anything lately, but of course something had to happen and change that… yesterday was the worst night in a while, and today wasn’t great either. And this is when it hit me, lying in bed holding both of my kids and trying so hard not to let myself cry; I am alone!

I didn’t want to call my aunt to rant, I didn’t want to call H for some moral support, I didn’t want to share my moment of weakness with anyone. I kept talking to myself and reassuring myself it will be ok, I know it will be, and when it does, I want it to be my own work, without anyone’s help!!

Years ago, I felt that way, and I called him thinking he was a shoulder I could cry on… and here I am right now because of that stupid notion. I am right here in this very place because I mistakenly thought he would be there for me instead of depending on myself.

Alone is not bad, alone is just fine. This is what I have to tell myself every time I feel that overwhelmed. I should not need anyone to make me feel better, I should know how to feel better on my own; this is the only way I wouldn’t get disappointed.

I did not let the negative energy consume me; I didn’t mope in my bed and let half awake sleep take advantage of me. I got up and started cleaning up; that’s the best I can do now when I am feeling angry and/or hurt, clean up! It’s funny because I am quite the messy person by nature, but now I know exactly where everything goes, it took me around an hour to fold every item of clothing back to where it belonged. And I did it because I decided to be alone, instead of running to the phone and dialing a friendly number.

Thank you for the hurtful and thoughtless words! They reminded me of all the things I had almost forgotten. They reminded me of why I so wanted to leave before, and they also reminded me that I should not expect help from anyone.

I can do it alone; I would rather do it alone than depend on someone who is bound to let me down making me feel so worthless and inadequate once they get tired of my existence or stop finding great company in my presence.

Posted by insomniac at 5:01 PM"



To that I have to agree that there are lots of aspects of one's life that could be much better if they were alone. There's not much pressure and requirements towards somebody, there are no restraints to your freedom, you can totally focus on whatever it is that you have at hand without worrying if that meant you're ignoring someone whose feelings you care about and wouldn't want to make them feel bad.
So if we put all this in a practical equation, it's a sure winner... but i guess that to me, i'm not all that practical ... maybe it's just not in my genes enough.
I miss sharing special private thoughts, feelings, places, experiences, and even stupid meaningless words and actions that i wouldn't normally do with just anyone. I miss feeling misunderstood, despite my actually almost never feeling that ever in my past relationship...
bottom line (abl matawweh tany) is ... i guess i could just totally agree and wish for that stupid volume to get piped down so i could just live normally ... if that could just be done ... Alone would be just great ... although i'm still not quite sure i want to wish for that.

I know i'm not being very conclusive but ... then again, when the hell was I whenever it came to that?!

YEAH BABY!!!!!

I'm right now in College ...right in the middle of the corridor containing all the doctors' offices ... working on my laptop and playing Pink Floyd's "Another Brick In The Wall"

he3he3he3

Top That

Yesterday i broke my car radiator with my own freaking hands!!!

the weird thing is i've been feeling euphoric ever since.

Great Expectations

Ever been so moved to weird levels by nothing but a movie? Ever had the same feeling over and over by just re-watching the same thing? It's like you know what's gonna happen yet when it does, you find yourself struck in the same sense and having the same lump in your throat... To me, this movie is one of those!
I don't know what nerve or part of my brain it touches there, or maybe i do but don't wanna totally admit it to myself, to the world, or maybe i just don't want to admit it in the first place.
Which makes me wonder (like i always do): Is this normal?
Is it normal that you feel a certain resemblance between the way you feel and the way a fictional character feels? of course this is originally the whole point of literature, movies, great stories, music ... all forms of art; to make you feel. And if you do feel it, then it's a successful, great, work of art. Again, that's another way I would describe this movie.
Why am i getting so off point? God this subconscious avoidance is so unbelievable.
Bottom line is, and the real thought i want to keep wandering around here is: Whether or not you're victimizing yourself or you're really agonized by something. Why the hell is it enjoyable to watch a movie, listen to a song that exactly expresses the same thing? that makes you feel the same agony and pain all over again?
Is it that you're a sadist that enjoys seeing someone else get hurt the same way you did? Or is it just that you're such a drama queen (king in my case) that subconsciously interprets this as having your feelings understood by someone else on this earth. Or maybe, last but not least, you're just a masochist that enjoys reliving the same agony and pain through these movies/songs.
I can't but keep all those questions open without answers ... i simply don't have any to give.

I think i'll just have to agree with what Dee once wrote: It's a Virgo thing!

IFF

i was asked a really interesting question ... If you could just go back in time for just once and take it from there when would that be?!
The more interesting thing was the amount of answers i found racing through my head. My god I obviously fucked up many times.
I guess as an answer to your question then, i would pick going back to December 2005.

No specific song for the day ... :(

Take Zillion

For some reason i don't feel fine (2alby ma2bood) and she's on my mind again. I hate it when this happens. I'm not really superstitious anymore but i can't help wondering... are both related? could something wrong be going on out there? is she alright? there's no way in hell i'm taking any more initiatives or asking again.
Seriously now, why the hell do I still care if she proved to me over and over and over again that there's no way in hell she could make it work... plus, i have been humiliated and hurt by her and this relationship more than i had ever been in my life. Not to mention the stupid things and better people i wrongfully gave up along the way ... all for nothing ... and for some reason i catch myself wondering if she's alright again?!

Please, if anyone knows where the OFF switch to this thing is, let me know.

Blue Me Away

I just came back from one of the most needed and best diving trips ever. Although it wasn't the longest, but it sure is the happy two days in the middle of a miserable year :) ... i mean the Cairo shit is piling up on me already and i haven't been in town for 12 hours yet.
Best thing about the trip was that it got me in touch with alot of things i miss. First day, first dive we went down 50 meters through the canyon of Dahab, reminded me of what underwater narcosis felt like :) ... second dive ... well there was nothing really special about that one ... except for a nosy trumpet fish that wouldn't leave me alone ... but then again i took a great picture of that :)

Yesterday was the BEST ever!!! first dive in my beloved Shark Reef-Yolanda in Ras Mohamed. 5 minutes through the dive we were greeted by a wonderful Octopus :) and guess what ... i did have the camera and took a few nice photos of it. a minute later a really nice stone fish ... another minute later a Huge Napoleon played around with us for a while ... then a murray eel ... then the napoleon again! this dive was truly unbelievable! I admit i have to thank Craig Williams who was my buddy for the dive for his amazing sight ... he was the one to notice the Octopus and signal me over to it ... Craig, Thank you, you made my whole trip with that!

We rested a bit in Marsa Breika bay between dives, and i took the opportunity of the calm water to re-attempt free diving. trying to get the same sensations i talked about before here. And again I made it to 15 metres (14.9 actually) and it all came back to me again! My God I AM so small ... another surprise was the dive time (3 minutes 37 seconds) ... I still can't believe it ... now i feel more crazy about it and want to do it again... the feeling you get when you're down there, complete silence surrounds you, u can see the surface really far away and the light is dancing with the waters moving surface, u feel so small it's overwhelming ...

last dive was in JackFish Alley, it wasn't bad really ... nice views in the caves and a big murray was posing for pictures for a while ... too bad the light wasn't really strong so the pictures came out a bit hazy .... but then again i took the Murray on video (he3he3).

I came back in really high spirits ... and now Cairo is trying to take that all back from me ... i just hope it doesn't succeed too quickly :)

P.s. will upload some pictures to this post later but i'm still downloading photoshop so i can add my signature to them.

And, Happy Valentines to everyone out there ... this time i'm single and it wasn't that bad (as if there was much of a difference when i wasn't the last time), i spent mine on the road listening to JEM ... which leads me to another thing:
My song to you ladies and gentlemen is yet another Jem track which will make most of you think of me as completely desperate :) ... but really enjoy
track from me to you guys (especially the ladies hehe) is Jem~ Come On Closer

will be uploaded shortly on the egroup