what if ... then what

tonight is the night of the 'what if's and 'then what?'s
i can't stop thinking in those weird directions and wonder ... what if this had worked out? what if i didn't lose that? what if i hadn't done this or that?
and look at everything i currently have and everything that's going on around me, and again i wonder ... "then what???!!"
where is this all going? i have no clue ... but it sure tells me it's time to sleep. ...

p.s. this is very hard to explain but somehow i miss you all ... every single one of you

Deep Longings

I have a final tomorrow ... I've been having this weird headache since yesterday that just won't go away ... I'm sitting in this silent cafe trying to get enough focusing energy in my head so i could finish this final chapter i have left ... I'm extremely tired

I need to lose all this stress ... i need to lose this headache ... i need to stop daydreaming ... i need to go diving ... everytime i close my eyes i see this view ... hopefully in a month i can see it for real.





Picture taken at the Reefs of St. John Island ... offshore from Halayeb in the south of Egypt. July-2007

NOTE TO SELF

My situation is MY situation ... and so is my schedule, it's all MINE and it's me who controls it. If you want to interfere with that, it's up to me to decide whether or not to let you in it. And i should not give a rat's ass what your excuse is to fuck it all up and have the right to totally say no to whatever it is you wanna do with it, simply because it's mine!
When I am free, i'll let you know and will be glad to do anything for you, but until I am, I'm certainly not.

This message is not intended for a certain specific person from those who will definitely take this personally, because i know all of you will ... it's intended for all human beings currently living on this planet.

Thank you and good night!

Cold but I Love it

Today i can finally admit that it's getting cold in here ... i finally have those chills and shivers .... i'm even typing as fast as i can to get under the covers :) ... and i'm thanking GOD i finally have a laptop to use in bed (my hands are out though :)) ...
today i also finally feel good for some unknown reason despite life being so shitty to me. I just decided (or maybe haven't really) to just go with the essential flow ... that is focus on the things that matter and the essentials .. and it's going quite well i guess... as one of my favorite people always says: "Good things happen to those who wait" and i'm just hangin in there.
I was listening to the only functioning CD left in my car when this song came up ... and it really cheered me up so eventually it's the song i'm recommending for the day

Song of the day: Everybody wants you ~ Josh Kelley

Confessions and So-Called Revelations

I was having the usual thinking over a cigarette time ... when it came to me:
In all my writings i'm stating objections to life ... things i wish ... things i hate .... and questions that seam so rhetorical. Do i really have no answers at all??? I seriously doubt it!
I think i'm running away ... i have all the answers but just don't want to admit it.
I'm constantly afraid of the consequences of knowing ... afraid i can't put up with the responsibility of acting right upon knowing ... i'd rather stay where i am than jump into the unknown ... or the known for that matter ... it's like i can't make myself take the leap out of my irresponsible childhood ...
and that being said ... i still don't know if i'll do anything about it ...

ma 3aleena ... wish me luck in my exams

Sometimes

sometimes i'm not in the mood for stupidity
sometimes i'm not in the mood for meaninglessness
sometimes i'm not in the mood for handling either
sometimes i'm not in the mood for tolerating people acting upon them
sometimes i don't care if they're close or not
sometimes i just can't stand the noise
sometimes i can't stand being criticized
sometimes i can't bare being judged
sometimes i get sick of these judgments being the starter for their conversations
sometimes i can't stand them taking them back because they're wrong ... then going through the same shit the next time we deal
sometimes i don't feel like doing favors
sometimes i don't feel like repeating favors
sometimes i can't stand that i'm being taken for granted
sometimes i just need my own space and time
sometimes i need to act like a child
sometimes i can't tolerate childish jokes and behavior
sometimes i don't mind fooling myself into feeling that i'm the grownup i'm not close to being
sometimes i just need to be selfish without hating myself for it
sometimes i need to be more thankful
sometimes i need to be more responsible
sometimes i just need to reconsider
sometimes i need to stop thinking
sometimes i should just focus on the task at hand
sometimes i need to feel small
sometimes i need to feel tossed around in a spiral of a big wave
sometimes i dream of my perfect impact
sometimes i wish i could fall off this dune again
sometimes i wish i could fix all this
sometimes i want to keep it all as shattered as it is
sometimes i just wish i could take it all back and make you understand what you don't
sometimes i wish you could see me as i am and not think this way about me
sometimes i wish i could have one sincere conversation with you
sometimes i need to believe more in fate
sometimes i need to take life in
sometimes i can't stand the fact that once i fix something another gets broken
sometimes i need to feel at ease
sometimes i dream of being completely careless

sometimes i need to stop trying to control everything and JUST ... LET ... GO!!!



Today's Music is Nine Inch Nails

My quest for meaning is still endless, yet it's always in my heard and never my head.
It's in the deepest parts of me, yet never comes out enough to be recognized by my intellect.
Is it actually there? Or is it my own created fiction?
Am I simply running away in my head? scared to face reality? scared to face this world? so i just create one of mine in which all is well? in which i feel safe?

The trick is, it can never be safe. It just can never be. why can't i ever live with that?

Why does one has to fuck things up so bad in attempt to just make it better? or do i ever know what i'm making out of it? actually i don't mind my fucking it up ... but do i have to know that i'm fucking it up while i'm doing it??