Tonight i feel much better ... calmer ... less bitter. Although I still am not forgiving anything ... and don't think i will in a long time.
I owe my great feeling to Wessam, Ghaleb, and Rage Against the Machine.
Wessam: you might not believe it bass finding something wrong DID make me feel more satisfied and comfortable about everything ... although I still bardo cannot forgive all the illusions made.
Ghaleb: Thanks for bringing up that jam thing ... i needed to let out all this Energy
Rage: well ... it was you i was imitating :)
Now for the story. I went today to a jam and for the first time i was vocaling! I sang only one song but my GOD my throat still hurts :D ... The song's "Killing in The Name" by Rage Against the Machine. and who knows, we might actually take it further into being a real project :D
Anyways, i'm glad it did have a great effect on me ... hope i do this again sometime
Friday, September 28, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
I know ... I'm convinced ... i've learnt ... i wish
yesterday i had a conversation i didn't want to have. I mean God i was doing i can all day so as not to think or talk about this. But i did anywayz. but i was lucky to have it with a good friend of mine. But i guess that wasn't the only thing i was lucky for.
The outcome of this conversation, to me, was just being more convinced with my life, and what i've learnt over the past period more convinced of how i want things to be. More convinced of how i was wrong to make the mistakes i made, and that i should learn from them. It got me convinced that next time it should take me less than 4 years to deduce that something/someone is just not worth it. That i should not compromise for the sake of people that are selfish and not worthy of my sacrifice. I also learned that no matter what you do, some people might not ever change. Even if they are the shittiest of characters having the brightest of soles... even if they know they're wrong and know what's right... logic of wrong and right is not what makes this world go round, and some people are just too fucked up in their heads to go by it that they prefer to stay in their shitholes for life... and most of all ... i learned and i wish that i would NEVER be such a person.
Last but not least, i learned that everyone does get what they deserve in some twisted way or the other. Karma does exist, and sometimes it works its magic without you noticing or linking stuff together, it can hurt you in totally unrelated issues than the one you were wrong at ... I sincerely wish for this to go on ... in more twisted ways maybe.
The outcome of this conversation, to me, was just being more convinced with my life, and what i've learnt over the past period more convinced of how i want things to be. More convinced of how i was wrong to make the mistakes i made, and that i should learn from them. It got me convinced that next time it should take me less than 4 years to deduce that something/someone is just not worth it. That i should not compromise for the sake of people that are selfish and not worthy of my sacrifice. I also learned that no matter what you do, some people might not ever change. Even if they are the shittiest of characters having the brightest of soles... even if they know they're wrong and know what's right... logic of wrong and right is not what makes this world go round, and some people are just too fucked up in their heads to go by it that they prefer to stay in their shitholes for life... and most of all ... i learned and i wish that i would NEVER be such a person.
Last but not least, i learned that everyone does get what they deserve in some twisted way or the other. Karma does exist, and sometimes it works its magic without you noticing or linking stuff together, it can hurt you in totally unrelated issues than the one you were wrong at ... I sincerely wish for this to go on ... in more twisted ways maybe.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Yet another day... yet another day ...
Why on earth do i spend more time thinking of a title for this thing than that spent in writing it. If i would grade myself on the first day of my new resolution i would say give myself a 7. Not such a bad start is it?? i guess the shock phase is wearing off and it's time for the real thing ... that's about the time i start cracking ... i would give the old me just a couple of days, i just hope this goes differently.
I'm already into the third season of One Tree Hill. I don't know why i absolutely love this series, whether the show itself or the soundtrack, or how they both go together. I already downloaded and watched the first two seasons and currently in the third episode of the third.
and now i don't know what else i could say ... i just feel weird ...
In such weird time, there's always a song to cheer me up:
Song of Today: Citizen Cope ~ Son's Gonna Rise
I'm already into the third season of One Tree Hill. I don't know why i absolutely love this series, whether the show itself or the soundtrack, or how they both go together. I already downloaded and watched the first two seasons and currently in the third episode of the third.
and now i don't know what else i could say ... i just feel weird ...
In such weird time, there's always a song to cheer me up:
Song of Today: Citizen Cope ~ Son's Gonna Rise
The Essential Crumbling
How do i start this?
well ... someone i know always tells me this country has to all burn down and be rebuilt 3ala nadaaffa. The first time i heard this it felt kind of weird, "why does it have to burn all the way down to be rebuilt? can't you just fix it the way it is without destroying it? and he would say NO. When things are so fucked up beyond a certain level, it's easier to just build a new one than fix it ... it's like crashing a car so bad it's beyond repair.
These days made me the most i can ever be convinced with this idea... but just not about my country, but about my life as a whole. For now i can say, i have reached rock bottom!
I'm jobless, i'm broke, i can't organize my time, i discovered that the person i loved the most in this world can do nothing but fuck me over, in short ... there's not an aspect of my life that's close to being good... really, i can't ever recall my being more pressured or feeling worse in my whole life.
but then again, i guess it's a chance to start over and turn the whole thing around ... act the way you should and make all you can out of it. you meen?? ana me. somehow that needs me to change half my habits and attitude ... but then again i went to a play all by myself today and had a blast ... who could've imagined that??!! as trivial as it is, it's a good start... i do believe so.
God help me ... help me be a better person and be closer to you ... as i admit this is one of the hardest things for me to maintain... and i'm sorry.
p.s. a person i had a bad fallout with once da3et 3alayya da3wa for me to get what i deserve ... is that it?? having my whole life crumble down that way??
despite my not being convinced with the particular wrong doing leading to this da3wa, i guess maybe it is ... and afterall, this would also mean that i deserve to turn it back around.
in all cases whether i'm convinced with this particular thing or not .. i'm sorry ... i sort of know now exactly what it feels like ... i sincerely am.
well ... someone i know always tells me this country has to all burn down and be rebuilt 3ala nadaaffa. The first time i heard this it felt kind of weird, "why does it have to burn all the way down to be rebuilt? can't you just fix it the way it is without destroying it? and he would say NO. When things are so fucked up beyond a certain level, it's easier to just build a new one than fix it ... it's like crashing a car so bad it's beyond repair.
These days made me the most i can ever be convinced with this idea... but just not about my country, but about my life as a whole. For now i can say, i have reached rock bottom!
I'm jobless, i'm broke, i can't organize my time, i discovered that the person i loved the most in this world can do nothing but fuck me over, in short ... there's not an aspect of my life that's close to being good... really, i can't ever recall my being more pressured or feeling worse in my whole life.
but then again, i guess it's a chance to start over and turn the whole thing around ... act the way you should and make all you can out of it. you meen?? ana me. somehow that needs me to change half my habits and attitude ... but then again i went to a play all by myself today and had a blast ... who could've imagined that??!! as trivial as it is, it's a good start... i do believe so.
God help me ... help me be a better person and be closer to you ... as i admit this is one of the hardest things for me to maintain... and i'm sorry.
p.s. a person i had a bad fallout with once da3et 3alayya da3wa for me to get what i deserve ... is that it?? having my whole life crumble down that way??
despite my not being convinced with the particular wrong doing leading to this da3wa, i guess maybe it is ... and afterall, this would also mean that i deserve to turn it back around.
in all cases whether i'm convinced with this particular thing or not .. i'm sorry ... i sort of know now exactly what it feels like ... i sincerely am.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
OK ... More than one line
I stare at the screen, still unable to sleep, wondering when i'll ever be ... all i can see on the screen is a green dot ... one green dot, a dot that's sentencing my brain back to it's misery.
It's the first time i can call it misery of the brain and not just the heart, because it just doesn't make sense. There's not a single thing i can't address a 'How' question to ... and it just sucks.
The only conclusion i can reach is that I've been living a lie. One ... Big ... Fat ... Lie. and it was like the hundredth time i live it ... the same ... exact ... lie.
The ironic thing is that in every move you make trying to prove yourself not to be a liar, you just prove it again ... and again ... and again... when will this ever stop?? Everything you say doesn't add up, everything you do doesn't make sense, and when both things come together, i realize how used i am.
You do someone wrong, then you blame it on them. They prove you wrong and you apologize. You try to justify but it's of no sense or conviction. Then you act all convinced and pretend to sincerely apologize. Just to cancel those apologies by going through the whole series of justifications that always include table turning and accusations. And you end up having the same discussion of the night before with the same conclusions and ending by the same fake apologies. but this time you add a bit of acting hurt into it ... i wonder what will happen tomorrow.
Then i wonder why. Is it that you love hurting me that much? Is it that you love doing it in the same exact particular way? Is it that you love proving to me that i'm just a toy or ornament that only serves to your self satisfaction and fulfillment? if this doesn't make sense then why the hell does it always happen in the same way over and over and over again?? I'm dying for one that's different. I actually wish i could feel another bad feeling that would break my heart, just please let it be a different one this time.
How come your making up has to include an accusation? How come you'd always rather throw a justification/accusation that you later describe yourself as meaningless? How come is it that when you totally fuck me over and I'm hurt, the only thing you can do is ignore it and focus only on yourself? How come is it that you'd rather give up when the consequences of what you do get so bad than ever fight for me?
Is that even considered as making up? are you actually trying to make it up or are you just patching up your little puppet that you tore just to go around tearing it over all again from the very beginning?
The funny thing is I always forgive, and would've forgotten if I didn't have to be reminded by the same thing happening to me again ever so soon. and once again from you.
I guess i had started to turn into that ornament whose sole purpose is to make you feel better by possessing it. But i guess my heart's not cut out for this any more ... I'd rather refer to myself as a "HE" rather than an "It".
And for all that i should believe it when you say you love me?
No, for all that, i should hate you ... but i don't.
Thank you, and may you get what you deserve. as nothing i can do can cure this scar you left any more.
The one whose heart you broke ... again ... and again ... and again ... and again .... more than you could ever count.
It's the first time i can call it misery of the brain and not just the heart, because it just doesn't make sense. There's not a single thing i can't address a 'How' question to ... and it just sucks.
The only conclusion i can reach is that I've been living a lie. One ... Big ... Fat ... Lie. and it was like the hundredth time i live it ... the same ... exact ... lie.
The ironic thing is that in every move you make trying to prove yourself not to be a liar, you just prove it again ... and again ... and again... when will this ever stop?? Everything you say doesn't add up, everything you do doesn't make sense, and when both things come together, i realize how used i am.
You do someone wrong, then you blame it on them. They prove you wrong and you apologize. You try to justify but it's of no sense or conviction. Then you act all convinced and pretend to sincerely apologize. Just to cancel those apologies by going through the whole series of justifications that always include table turning and accusations. And you end up having the same discussion of the night before with the same conclusions and ending by the same fake apologies. but this time you add a bit of acting hurt into it ... i wonder what will happen tomorrow.
Then i wonder why. Is it that you love hurting me that much? Is it that you love doing it in the same exact particular way? Is it that you love proving to me that i'm just a toy or ornament that only serves to your self satisfaction and fulfillment? if this doesn't make sense then why the hell does it always happen in the same way over and over and over again?? I'm dying for one that's different. I actually wish i could feel another bad feeling that would break my heart, just please let it be a different one this time.
How come your making up has to include an accusation? How come you'd always rather throw a justification/accusation that you later describe yourself as meaningless? How come is it that when you totally fuck me over and I'm hurt, the only thing you can do is ignore it and focus only on yourself? How come is it that you'd rather give up when the consequences of what you do get so bad than ever fight for me?
Is that even considered as making up? are you actually trying to make it up or are you just patching up your little puppet that you tore just to go around tearing it over all again from the very beginning?
The funny thing is I always forgive, and would've forgotten if I didn't have to be reminded by the same thing happening to me again ever so soon. and once again from you.
I guess i had started to turn into that ornament whose sole purpose is to make you feel better by possessing it. But i guess my heart's not cut out for this any more ... I'd rather refer to myself as a "HE" rather than an "It".
And for all that i should believe it when you say you love me?
No, for all that, i should hate you ... but i don't.
Thank you, and may you get what you deserve. as nothing i can do can cure this scar you left any more.
The one whose heart you broke ... again ... and again ... and again ... and again .... more than you could ever count.
ONE LINE
I wish I could really forgive and forget ... it's that every time I do that, it's followed by regret
Saturday, September 15, 2007
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